It okay.

This morning has been semi-productive. Dishes, dusting, laundry, ect.
To make the chores more bearable I put on some music. Pretty soon I was flying through it like nothing. Right before I finished, a song came on, and there was a line in the lyrics that made me pause and think of my Dad.
In that moment I was grateful for our him and our relationship, and strangely I was also grateful for all the hardships that have blessed us.
On that line of thought, my brother also came to mind and he too was included in my gratitude for what we have.

The past three weeks have been full of saddness and anger as I struggled with my past. But today I came to a beautiful conclusion that made everything right.

I imagine when forgiveness is easy to exchange, my joy and freedom are equal to the effort required, but when I experience forgiveness for the unforgiveable..... I am allowed a glimpse of something closer to divine trancendence. Something much bigger than me, something to ponder and wonder at. Something that points me towards God, something that humbles me, something that heals my soul.......and I am silent and let it wash over me.

This morning, hands all soapy, doin' dishes, my life seemed to make perfect and wonderful sense. As I listened to the words in the song, the anger and saddness gently floated up and away and the holes in my heart filled with light and a profound thought came to me as tears rolled down my cheeks.

It's okay.
I mean it. All of it. It's okay.

Therapy Rocks.

After feeling bad for a few weeks, it dawned on me, in the form of a visual picture in my head the answer to my sadness. I imagined a box. The box was all my history. All things said and done to me or by me. All events to have ever have taken place. All labels, awards, failures, and thoughts. Everything. Then I saw the peaceful, silent and vast space around the box. I realized, of course I've been sad, I've been living in the damn box for a couple of weeks now, Instead of living outside the box where I belong. I gave myself a mental 'duh', and things steadily improved.

I know I am more back to my self because while driving with Luke today, he talked about the clown shoe. I imediately knew, he did not have to explain. He watches the clouds and so do I. He was finding beauty and having fun, and for the first time in awhile, I found beauty and had fun with him.

I had my purse stolen recently. It set off a whole week of violent and ugly mental dialogue between me and the imaginary perpetrator. Then out of the blue I noticed myself having these weird thoughts, and realized what a waste of energy, then I wondered what would happen if I did not respond this way. What if I did not fight or confront? After this last thought, I was overwhelmed with anxiety for a few minutes.

I am trying to let loose of this identification. This fighting thing. This tough thing. Maybe I don't need to be like that anymore.
It feels a lot lighter. Maybe whoever can just have my purse.

Me and my Dad have been having a lot of conversations lately. Its just that he doesn't know about them, because they've been in my head. They were tough and complicated. I was really mad for awhile and wanted to send him my therapy bill, but then I found out he really loves me, just like the way I love Luke, and would never harm me on purpose. Just like I would never want to harm my child either. The common thread we have between us is love. It surpasses all. It forgives all. It heals all.
I actually think we are quite alike.

This is what I've been doing lately besides thinking too much: Hot Yoga, Gardening, Piano, alot of Reading, alot of house work. Oh, and I've been sleeping better.

Ants on Drugs

If anyone thinks the life of a stay-at-home-mom is boring, they obviously haven't hung out with me and my kid, and don't know about the sublime conversations that can happen at any given moment.

Luke and I went for a night Safeway run to pick a couple of things up. (We needed yeast for the bread we were making) On the way home a country song was playing called, "Drugs or Jesus", one of my favorites I must add.

Anyway, from the back seat Luke asks me, "Mom, are drugs bad and Jesus good?"
Me: Um, Yeah.
Luke: Oh....well don't people eat drugs?
Me: Well....yeah.
Luke: Oh..... how do people get the drugs in their bodies?
Me: Well, they take bad pills or powder......
(5 minutes silence.)
Luke: Mom?
Me: Yeah.
Luke: Do ants do drugs?
Me: No... they'd die......to small.....
Luke: But...if they did do drugs would they be bad ants?
Me: No.
Luke: Why not?
Me: Cause they don't have brains.
Luke: ( total outrage and shock) What?! NO BRAINS! Why!
Me: ...Well insects don't have brains like we do.
Luke: (after a few minutes of silence) Well, mom, do ants have BONES?
Me: Their bones are on the outside and they are soft on the inside.
After a moment of deep thought.
Luke: (with total delight.) Ahhh! You mean they are NAKED on the inside?
Me: Yup. Naked.

I could see another sublime conversation was about to begin.

Beauty for Ashes

I was reading a book recently about the ways human beings subconscously create their personal identity. A passage in this chapter really resonated with me. It suggested that if you had failed to create an self-image in the normal way (education,job,family,ect.) then you either create it's negative opposite (negative or anti-social behavior) or if you've done neither people just feel uncomfortable with you, not knowing how they relate to you and you them. It can be a painful feeling.
I really understood that, but the cool thing is, that it suggests the place of weak identity or a destroyed identity (tragedy, job loss, divorce ect.) is actually the optimum place for the spiritual realization of who you really are. Which, in fact, has nothing to do with your education or job or any other fleeting role we may play in life. Maybe because there is not as much as an entrenched identity to disidentify with or its one that would be happily discarded given the choice.

I have generally experienced a basic discomfort when socializing with new people. As I grew older I started to understand that I did not have the typical life experiences, in the typical orders, to communicate to someone a basic picture of who I was. You know, my "story" was either too weird or unacceptable to use as a lead in! So I have had much anxiety meeting new people, until the last few years. (Thank God for Tim!)

This year has been one of joy as I become comfortable embracing myself as larger than what is definable in words. I now have in the place of past shame and discomfort a pervading peace and surprisingly, a persistent and overwhelming joy.( God's love is so good, His concern so undeniable....)

Luke had started Kindergarten at a great public school near us. Two weeks into it though, I noticed him more and more angry and resistant to school. He was required to do almost daily homework. It was hard to pretend it was interesting. I tried to stay positve for him but in truth, we both knew the work to be drudgery. He is my son after all..... so cut and paste we did and did and did. Ugh.
I looked at his school ciriculum to see where I could help my son. He was not interested and I was worried because he seemed to fall behind the standards the system had created for his grade. I spoke to my husband about it several times. We searched for ways to help him. I even asked the teacher if I could assist in the classroom. (The answer was no.) I asked to observe the class. (Same answer.) Basically the public school teachers are exhausted, and rightly so, but I could not accept my son being just another score on a standardized test. I tried to talk to my husband again being completely frustrated. But this time he wasn't as understanding. He gently let me know I had to tow the line as a parent and support the system the best I could. I interpreted him as telling me to conform to a system I felt could not only not serve my child but potentially harm him. I stewed and prayed.
Gratefully God heard me......and I believe so fully His concern for my son's life is intimate and personal, so of course by the end of the week we had a phone call from Waldorf school that Luke was accepted because someone had dropped out and he could come imediately. This was Wednesday. By Monday I had all the forms filled and him withdrawn from the other school and together Tim and I took him to his first day at Waldorf, which by the way, I have found to be the most unbelieveably nurturing, peaceful, loving, respectful, aware, environment possible for a growing child, not to mention adults too!

This place is different. I noticed at once I was comfortable meeting the other parents and teachers. There was a similiar vibe in the way moved. There was no uncomfortable silences. Just comfortable ones. No one gave pedigrees upon meeting!

( Next blog I will share some of the beautiful philosophy behind the school. But basically it understands we are far more than the labels the world gives and we blindly accept.) In short, I feel I found people who care about what I do.....and this has been so rare in my life....

I truly cannot tell in words the joy I have to be able to offer my son something like this. (Thank you to my hard working husband!).. and I am happy to tell everyone I believe I have found a place where I/we feel at home...I've met kindred spirits!

By the way, Luke is loving school. and he has now 'gotten' his ABC's....know why?.......he did it through sign language.....hee hee!.....and me? I am making progress too.... I am getting to know the other moms, and actually LIKE them!....whoa. the world is shifting.....or maybe it's me.
Whatever it is......We will find our own way.

It is well with my soul

Life has been a continuous beautiful learning experience for me, so I have not have not had the inclination to write anything until today when I felt I could finally see the larger pictures and lessons.

I took a walk this morning but not until I dropped off Luke at Kindergarten. On the way to school we practiced his Alphabet flash cards. He is so excited to learn. Tim introduced a simple but creative method for him that each time he remembers the letter and corresponding sound he earns a penny, then at the end of the week we will take him to buy a small treat with his money! It is so wonderful for Tim and I to see Luke happily learning and growing.

Tim had been gone for about 10 days or so, saying goodbye to his youngest daughter Kenna who is spending her last year of highschool at a boarding school. It wasn't easy for him. The trip seemed long for us both but when he returned Luke and I were extremely happy to have him home.

Lately Luke seems to be overjoyed and he is like a cup spilling over with love.

While Tim was gone I finished reading a book. There was a part in the book that spoke about children and that what they want more than anything is to be recognized at the spirit level. Not only for what they do or do not do, or constantly pushing them to do this or that...to hurry up..ect. But they, like all human beings long to be seen for who they are beneath our physical and material selves. This resonated so deeply in me. I thought back on my childhood and the times my mom or dad were with me in a way that saw through my outer shell to the being God created. I have been becoming more aware of the time I spend with my child and the way that I do it...and not just Luke, but this awareness has effected the way I interact with people in general. After all we all long to be recognized in spirit.

One time my mom took me on a bike ride, just her and me. We packed a backpack and put twinkies in it. We stopped to rest under a tree and ate our twinkies and talked. She was fully present, I felt nothing was more important than what we were doing at that moment. She recognized me as an important human being that she loved. On the other hand my Dad, I remember doing the same thing in a different way. When the world was about to overwhelm me he would swoop in to remind me that I would never be alone. I was 17 and in some bad trouble, he simply looked at me without judgment and said there was nothing we could not handle together. The knowledge of his love that day would see me through many years of hardship and become a reminder to me of my true worth. Thank you.

Last night Luke made a comment to me. I was giving him a bath, his hair full of soap suds, and he cocks his head to the side and looks at me very seriously and asks, "Mom, were you a star?"
I wasn't sure I understood. "Huh? What do you mean?"
"Well, you know like on T.V. Were you the star of a show?"
I was so temped to lie! "well....noooo." Still not sure where this was going.
"Oh, but you dance so good and look like the girls on T.V. so I though you were a star, you know before me, when you were younger."
"Oh."
I am thoroughly enjoying this blessed place in life when children idealize their parents. For someday we will fall from the pedestal to be monsters and then mere human beings........but for today...my son thinks I'm a star!
Not to hog all the limelight, when Tim was saying goodnight to Luke he askes him, "Dad, are you a president?"
"Well, yes, of my company."
Luke is thoughtful for a moment. "Well, then how come you're not on the money?"
Oh the sweet sweet love of a child to his parents. One of God's best gifts that could be given to us mere mortals. The love of a child. What is more beautiful?

So like I had started out saying, I had gone for a walk this morning. I rounded the corner and put on my ipod. I trodded up Diamond Head with no idea what was coming. I watched the ocean and felt the breeze as I neared the top. When I got to the lookout, I sat down mesmerized by the vastness of the ocean and as I sat there in silence two things happened, I remembered how small I am and at the same time I remembered how vast I am. As these two thoughts converged my joy, peace, and understanding grew, and an unexpected song came on clear and true through my headphones, that was perfectly timed by God. (It is like the one you should be hearing now.) After a while I got up and with a clear and grateful perspective and headed home.

Much Love to all.

Bridging Time & Company Bugs

Kianna's gone home. Luke is back to school. Life is once again has settled down to a slow hum and I enjoy it.

The kids were miraculous to be around. They are beautiful human beings and I was honored to be able to care for them and have them in my life for our yearly visit. Many times during our summer together it dawned on me that I am probably learning more from them than they from me.

I watched Luke and Kianna, play, fight, laugh, cry, struggle for control, and fall down exhausted at the end of the day asking for a back rub or a hug as they drifted off to sleep, and it felt like I was seeing the whole story of humanity played out before my eyes, and it gave me a greater perspective of my own sibling rivalries.

My niece is like my brother as a child...all playful innocence, wilyness, and exuberence. It was impossible not to love her, and somehow, I noticed the more Ioved my brother's child, the more I loved him. She became like a bridge over the oceans of times past, and her presence in my life has started to rewrite the story of my own childhood with a new and peaceful perspective.
****
Walking to the car the other day picking up Luke from Kindergarten he says to me, "MOM! You know what I WANT? A Sunday.....er no,....a sunday, no..oh maybe it's a monday. Yah! MOM! Can I have a Monday? You know from Macdonnals?

Today dropping him off at school he found a little beetle on the sidewalk and he got so excited. I reminded him it was a 'company' bug the same kind Grandma Joy says she finds at her house everytime they have company. Talking quietly as to not disturb his little friend, he gently held it in his hand as we walked to his classroom. I told him he could take it in to show his friends.
He said, "No, I want him to be free in nature......with his mom and dad."

"Wings Of Forgiveness"

I just want you to know
After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know
That I still love you
That I still love you:

Had to go
Across the water
Just to find
What was here in my heart all along
Spend so much time
Trying to be right
That I was dead wrong

If Nelson Mandela can forgive his oppressors
Surely I can forgive you for your passion

You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

Had to run
To the arms of curiosity
Just to find
What was here in my life all along
I had found that the art of simplicity
Simply means making peace of your complexity

If Gandhi can forgive persecution
Surely you can forgive me for being so petty

I'm only human
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

I've searched for romance
Flowers and affection
What I found is a lesson
Of what love really is
Found the game of love is
Not about how much you can take
In fact authentic love is about
How much you can give

After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know
That I still love you
I want you to know
That I forgive you
(thank you for teaching how to give)
And I wanna let you know how much you changed my life
I wanna let you know you taught me how to fly
And I wrote this song to tell you this
I'm better cuz you taught me how to give

I took a swim
In the sea of guilt and misery
To find myself in an island
In the middle of nowhere
In my solitude
I asked to know the highest truth
And what I was told
Is to let own self be true

If Jesus can forgive crucifixion
Surely we can survive and find resolution

Let's keep it moving
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high, and fly high
Let's keep it moving
Let's shake free this gravity of commitment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know
That I still love you
I want you to know
That I still love you
And I wanna let you know how much you changed my life
I wanna let you know you taught me how to fly
And I wrote this song to tell you this
I'm better cuz you taught me how to give

I still love you
I want you to know
I still love you
Want you to know
I still love you
(And I always will love you)
And I wanna let you know
I forgive you
I wanna let you know
That I still love you
Want you to know
I still love you
I just want you to know
I still love you
Want you to know
I still love you
Want you to know
I still love you
And I wanna let you know
I forgive you
I wanna let you know
I still love you

It's MINE!

Durning a family vacation, staying at my parents house, with my five year old son and 6 year old niece, we often hear the words "mine!" shouted through the house as the kids try claim ownership of a particular toy.

It prompted a childhood memory where I can remember myself loudly expressing to my Dad my ownership of some object as "MINE". His reply was a loud, "NO it's not YOURS, it's MINE." Then to add emphasis, he motioned with his arm around the room and said, "It's ALL MINE."

At the time, I was slightly dismayed and confused by this because something in what he said seemed to be true. Even at my young age I could concede that, yes, he did actually buy all of these items, but at the same time I felt a discomfort almost like an imcompleteness to the statement.

Recently, I decided I would just be attatched to one thing. Just my mother's ring, because, I figured, how hard can it be to protect it? It would be safe to get really attached to this one thing. I thought of all the ways to take care of it.

A few months later someone stole it. Strange thing. The theif only took the ring. It did not have much monetary value, I figured a theif would overlook it and take the jewels worth more money, but they went straight for my mother's ring. They actually had to dig around for it. Anyway, at least they had good taste.

Ocassionally, I remember my Dad's words and the same feeling of curiousity will arise as if I was still trying to understand a part of the conversation I still suspected was missing.

Maybe 30 years have passed and while sitting quietly drinking a cup of coffee this morning I realized I finally have the other part of the conversational equation that my five year old self suspected was there but missing it's expression.

Me at 5: "It's MINE!"
Dad: No!" It's MINE!"
Me at 5: "Hmmm. Maybe it's not mine...he did buy it...but...."
Me at 34: Finally solving the equation. "You are right. It's not mine. But neither is it yours."

Faith gives you wings..

I asked Luke what kind of super-powers he prayed for. He said, "Hmmm, well, super speed, x-ray vision, oh and flying. Yeah, I want wings."
Gotta love that kind of faith.

Kooky

It was the perfect storm, ran out of medication, insominia, thyroid low, cousin dies, step-daughter gets sent off. I really should have seen it coming.

The last month has been gruelling. I held things together well when Tim left for the East coast to bring Kenna to her 'girl's camp' and then to vacation in San Fran. My middle step-daughter stayed with me and Luke. She is doing very well in her life and was a great help to me. I was a bit stressed but still functioning. The night Tim came home I put a lot of effort into preparing for his return; dinner, lei, laundry ect. So when we sat on the couch before dinner and he complained there was not enough salsa for his chips in a disgusted tone, I believe you could've heard the audible snap of my mind cracking.

It was a quick downward spiral. Depression is no joke. It happened in the typical fashion. Luckily for me, I am schooled in this event and knew what to do. After doing the rounds of physical check ups to rule out something like brain rot, I called my shrink. He's a wonderful man, by the way.

What I realized as there is such a thing as 'too much'. Basically, I had 'too much'. He imediately increased my meds and made me another appointment for two weeks later.

Well, it's been about 2 weeks and I am feeling much better and gaining perspective. I've realized I've not only been grieving for Josh, my cousin, but also for Kenna.

Last night I wrote her an 'impact letter'. It was a hard task to do. I was supposed to cite all the reasons she is out of control. However, deep down, I feel it is because it is from an enormous lack of parenting.

As the step-mom, no one will admit, but I am the primary care-giver for her. I see her and interact the most. However, I have not been allowed to give consequences to her for her actions. Only Tim can do that. So basically, I can set up great structure but cannot enforce it in anyway. Nice.

Here is a picure of Kenna's daily life. Go out at night after we are asleep. come home, skip school, get kicked out of school. Sleep most of the day or talk obsessively on Myspace. Get showered and made up, go to Outrigger for lunch on her parents account, because she doesn't 'like' our food in the house. Do absolutely no chores I give her......(Dad. you better not be snickering...)and smoke weed.

Anyway, Tims solutions have been to tell her if she does not quit locking herself in her room, which by the way is a full studio with kitchen, he will remove the door. I swear we have all hear the threat hundreds of times. Never happened. So now she has been sent off to a camp where she is supposed to learn how to keep her word. Hmmmm. It seems real F-up if you ask me.

The one positive thing that came of all this so far is that I am learning by observing. So for Luke, I am practicing boundaries and doing what I say so he can expect and anticipate consequences for his actions. I signed him up for Karate and they gave me a chart of the 'karate' ways. Its a check list we go through together once a day to reward him for doing the right things. Respect for others, cleanliness, chores, ect.......and you know what?!!!! He LOVES it. He can measure and choose his own behavior. I think its extremely freeing for him. He is learning early that he is in charge of his choices. The rewards are time together doing what he picks. We go on a bike ride or play Operation....we are having lots of fun!

So far so good. I know he's not 17, and there is no comparison, but give me a break, I gotta have some highlight to all this, and it's Luke, he's awesome.

The other day, we were on a bike ride and he says to me, "Mom, your shadow is beautiful!!!!" He was noticing the different shades of blue in the shadows. Cool.

Lukisms

Luke turned his head to look up at me and says, "Mom, do you know what I prayed for just now?"
"No, what?"
He smiled wide at me and said, " I asked God for super-powers!"

At times life goes too fast for me to stop and write and I miss it. Its seems, I know if I am living and not just existing if I write. If I notice all the details, all the moments like....the light on his face.....at that angle, it seems beautiful, the wind on my face....

When things are good I notice my life and I love all the small things that mean I am so alive and so grateful to be here on this planet. Beloved. Child of God. Many times I find myself here. I feel lucky because I am not sure most people feel the same way, but because I came up from the depths of pain and confusion and all the years of darkness...and then......light, I feel blessed beyond measure.

So, I notice things maybe others take for granted because it's only by the grace of God that I experience them. The opening my fridge...and it's full. My bed and the privacy and feeling of cleanliness and calm it gives me. Having my husband hold my hand when we walk somewhere....There are so many small moments I notice and smile inside to know, they're mine, and I feel so rich.

But life has its ups and downs and I struggle with them like everyone else. I miss my cousin and think of him almost daily. I try to be glad and know that he has peace and that God's grace is his in full now...but even though I believe this, I am still sad in the unspeakable place where I store things that cannot be expressed because there are no words for them. The place where thoughts of unborn children, missing a mother and a cousin reside. A place I let God manage for me because I cannot.

Now I worry about my youngest step-daughter. She was not asked back to her highschool for her senior year. Essentially she was nicely kicked out of the most difficult school to be kicked out of. She has steadily been in decline and none of us know for how long. It has been decided she will go to a 'camp' for the summer. Its theraputic and meant to help teens through difficult periods in their lives. It's just so hard for all of us to go through this again with another daughter. It makes me wonder about all the mistakes I've made as her step-mom. It also makes me remember my own dark period I went through in my teens. It's just so much pain to think about....her.....Tim...Joyce...her sisters...and me. I just hope we get through it and come out for the better. She is not aware of the plans being made for her but she will be leaving us next Tuesday. It's alot to think about right now.

In light of the recent events my next entry will be for my Dad.

I LOVE LUKEY!

Tim and I got these photo keychains as a little souviners from his highschool reunion. They were selling them as keepsakes. Two for $10. For whatever reason we bought the corny plasitc momentos. I joked with Tim that I would make sure he carried his on his keychain

When we got home Luke noticed the keychain. He imediately grabbed it and excitedly exclaimed, "This is MINE! I want this for ME!"

It was so cute how much he liked it. I mean after all it was just a picture of his parents. Our heads all squished together, cheek to cheek with corny grins on our faces. But he liked it. He demanded I hook it on the handle of his school bag.

So now each day he proudly carries our picture to school with him.

Children are so beautiful. They just eminate love. It's hard to believe.... I guess you'd have to have been there to see his delight and enthusiasm wtih the keychain, and his fierce pride when he got to school and showed his friends the momento, "HEY! You guys! LOOK! This is my PARENTS! SEEEEEEE!!!!"

(I'll probably have to read this over and over when he becomes a teenager but for now I can revel in the fact our son actually wants people to know we are related.)

A Cool Message From My Mom

A few days ago I decided to reorganize Lukes room. I bought these cool canvas pop-up storage boxes to put all of his toys in. Today Luke and I opened up the package and popped open the boxes. He loved them. They are in bright red and bright blue and they stack in two towers of three. So we dumped his toys out all over the floor and started to organize according to size.
Thinking what a great concept these boxes were, I bought myself a few as well. I have a stack photo albums and journals and other random stuff on the top of my closet. I hate looking at it because it's such an eyesore. Finally I have these chic new boxes to give it a nice clean look up there. My boxes, by the way, are black and tan, very cool.

After finishing with Luke's stuff I started on mine. Half way through the project I came across a letter. I recognized my name on the envelope written in my mother's hand-writing. I realized it was the letter she wrote from her death bed to say goodbye to me. I read it in a half frozen stupor, still not willing to let the grief fully surface.

Nearing the end of the letter, she said that if God was willing she would watch over me like a guardian angel. She wrote that she would enjoy seeing me raise my children and added that it would be a challenge as well as a joy. I put the letter away and finished my organizing task.

A bit later in the evening I started to do dishes but that last words in the letter kept popping into my head. The words about her being a guardian angel. As I washed dishes in the warm soapy water it suddenly dawned on me, and I pulled my hands abruptly from the water, that today was her birthday. May 13.

Happy Birthday Mama!

Hey Everybodeeeee!!!!

Yesterday Luke, Tim, and I went on a walk. Luke brought along his new skateboard he got for his birthday. It took quite awhile to get him all ready. First the long pants,(play pants not his good pants, long sleeves...)then all the gear, the elbow pads the knee pads, the wrist guards...on and on...FINALLY, we get out the door.

We are almost to the corner, yah! its a beautiful day in Hawaii! I'm excited! Tim and I are holding hands too. Then, I hear Luke yell at the top of his lungs,"HEY EVERYBODY, I POOPED IN MY PANTS ON ACCIDENT!!!!!!)

Luke is standing there with big round bewildered eyes. We turn around and I am about to laugh out loud and Tim gives me a dirty look warning me not to laugh. I hide my mouth behind my hand and look down while Tim heads back towards Luke. After I gain control of myself I catch up with them and explain to Luke and Tim that when Luke eats a half sheet of Birthday cake and 6 chocolate cupcakes and 2 pop tarts....well, he gets the runs. Thats just what happens. No big deal. So Tim gets him all cleaned up and we go through the whole dressing routine again and start over.

The walk was worth it though.

Disjointed

It has been so long since I last wrote, but life has been moving too fast for me to stop to record my observations.....too much craziness..
I swear, I see my life, well the whole world actually, in vivid living color. I find it exciting/exhausting and some people find it manic..but whatever.
First of all the whole quit smoking thing is entering it's 4th month. I finally feel confident enough to say I quit and not 'I'm quitting.' It feels good and now I also feel far enough away from the beginning of the journey to comment on it with some perspective.
Letting go of smoking has been one of the major struggles of my life. It had filled in so many moments and gaps...it was my absolute best card for coping with life. Unfortunately my best card was bad for mine and everyone else's health. So here I am and now I'm naked, at least that is how it feels. Raw. Its been raw. Life has become so much louder and brighter than before. That is something I am learning how to live and deal with. It will be okay though...actually it will be great....moving along...
Luke had his birthday party. The big 5. It was so much fun at least thats what it looked like from where I was inside my head.
I've been a bit detatched since I found out my cousin Josh died. I have so much to say about him and to him but right now nothing will come. Its frustrating because I want so much to tell how beautiful he was and all the things I saw in him...but not today I guess. I'm too disjointed. I'm going to go and work on my ebay store instead.

Life is just too crazy sometimes, but I try to remember that all things pass. Its been since Feb.7 since I became 'smoke free' and its been quite a journey for me and my family.
I figure that my habit was so important to me that I did it for 17 years. It filled quite a bit of time for me and unbeknowst to me it acted as an extremely strong buffer against life's anxieties. It was literally a cloud of smoke surrounding me that insulated me against unpleasant feelings and situations. You have to think that using that method of coping for all those years to stop it has been an enormous change. It has been more difficult I think for Tim than me. Without the ciggarette to take me outside to the back porch at any and every annoyance, I know instead stay put and say something. So of course not have much practice at negotiating irritating situations much I have swung to the far right in my responses and then to the far left. Eventually with some more practice maybe I will be able to handle life with more grace than I have in the past few months....and for the record, I do credit my husband with his patience and support and willingness to go the mile with me. Its probably been hellish and baffling for him.
On the subject of grace, which by the way, is my favorite subject, I bought a few copies of a sermon I heard at church a few weeks ago. It spoke to that secret place in my heart and has stayed with me since. I hope to be able to post it on my blog in a few days. It is an amazing message and has been a great comfort to me. I stay this with much emphasis, anyone who reads this blog can absolutely look forward to reading it. I just have to dictate it from an audio cd first. I know it will be worthwhile. If I can learn how to load it as it is in audio form I will.
My marriage has been difficult for all the above reasons and more. However, I am comforted in knowing that through suffering comes joy and understanding and compassion to the same degree. I have seen this strange thing occur again and again in my life, so I do speak from experience and am not quoting some 'feel good pop physcology book'! I believe we are in a time of growth and because we decided that we will stay married and ultimately want peace and all good things for ourselves and our children, I know we will weather this transition. (But it seems every time there is a hardship I once again have to decide whether your in or out.) Hopefully that will become less and less an occurance. Last thing on the subject of marriage. Its hard. It has asked me to be more than I am. It has forced me to rethink my behavior, habits, and priorities many times over. I guess it reminds me of becoming a parent, the way that it asks or demands you to grow......or die!
I have had a black rage of a temper since I quit smoking. I always knew it was there deep down, but now....honestly it has completely surprised me and now its something I need to manage. Last week I threw my beautiful porcelan egg from my mother out the window. It went through the screen in the living room and shattered in the street. Every time I look at the gaping hole in the screen I am sorry about it and wish it didn't happen. Not only does it make me look totally crazy and unstable but of course for this week I am sure I am the gossip of the neighborhood. We don't have much privacy the way our houses and windows are situated. So basically I used the most horrible language and threw stuff during an argument with my husband. I think I surprised him. Well I floored myself. Totally weird. However, the good thing about this incident is that when your actions are seen by everyone, I seem to have to face them. No hiding or pretending it wasn't so bad. So since my behavior has caused me much embarrassment I decided to change it. I seriously do not want to be know as that crazy lady neighbor.......
Anyway on to brighter subjects. This morning on the way to school Luke asked me, "Mom, how high is God?"
Me: Pretty high up there, you can't see him.
Luke: "Well could we see him with binoculars?"
Me: No.

Sunday at Grandpa's & Grandma

This is a story told to me by Tim. I stayed home with sore throat and bad cold and thoroughly enjoyed having the house to myself to putter around in and 'do stuff'.


Tim took the trainer wheels off Luke's bicycle in the garage while Luke helped with his own wrench. Afterwards, he stood back and with complete exuberance announced, "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!"
He mastered the two wheels instantly.....and rode off full blast down Grandma and Grandpa's lane in Kailua. He even rode side saddle and tried to come to skidding stops.
Later in the evening he took Dad aside and in his 'man-to-man' voice said, "Dad, I need to talk to you."
"Okay, whuts up?"
"Now that my trainer wheels are off my bicycle are we going to take the trainer wheels off my motorcycle? Because YOU said I could take my trainer wheels off my motorcycle when I learned to ride my big bicycles with no trainer wheels!"
He then looked at Dad and there was a long pause while Dad tried to figure out how to stall taking the trainer wheels off the motorcycle. Tim quickly developed a answer.
"Lukie, I said we would take off the trainers on the motorcycle AFTER you learned to ride your bicycle with no trainer wheels VERY VERY VERY good.
"Well, I rode really good today!"
"I know son but I want you to be able to ride your bike with no mistakes."
"Okay, is that when I'm 5 years old?"

Geeze. Sheesh. Dangnagit.

These are the words I am trying to use now that I am trying to be a better, example to my son in the cussing department. I would like to chill on the bad language and what not. I am into this. I guess I say 'crap' alot or something.

Question for the Day: Why is my husband smug? I don't know and nor do I want to know.

Last randomness. For so long I could not get my photos to stretch out on the slide show like I just did with no problemo. What's that about? I wracked my brain forever then gave up trying and let my blog look all a mess like I'm a total computer tard. Which I am, but there are directions on how to do it. So it should have worked. Anyway, guess its working now. I guess I can't be all happy about it
because
I am in a total funk. My son did not get into the school I was totally heart- set on for him. (BTW, at this school they interview Parents not Kids) So its not like it was something about him. It was me! Ahhg. I am so on fire over this. I don't show well. But I told his Dad he needed to call and talk to them and what not...since he is our 'showface' of the family! What I mean is, he is .a...you know..socially acceptable, No mohawk, no facial hair, no accent of any kind,suit,tie,guy... the perfect, Front! Not that I have that much facial hair or mohawk....but you know what I mean. Wax.

Anyway, I think more could have been done instead of just me going down there to the interview and the second interview and the third ect, paperwork, ect. phone calls....from all me. Yay.Team. That would really freak him out....I could tell him I have a whole system set up for Luke called "Operation Free Bird". Hahaaa. Thats right minimal rules. No lids on toothpaste, ect. Lots of painting, singing, dance ect. I say its better for a child to learn something when they are passionate about it. In fact, I quote.......myself. I said,"Listen, I really don't think its a big deal he's not into his xyzs567's yet. Besides, he'll get that in due time. Its not a contest whose kid can regurgitate the most cra....stuff!
I couldn't believe I said that. It just came out. Didn't really sound like me. I mean it did sound like me, the way I think but it came out better than usual.
Have I mentioned I haven't been able to sleep in a long time? I'm getting so kooky.
So friends if anyone has read this far. Don't blame me if I list some crime against fashion thing up for auction...like I said, I haven't had enough sleep lately. No not really. I'd Never do that. Bad fashion.
Hi Dad.

Why God Made Moms...

"Why God made Moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms works at work & works at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.

Boring is, as Boring Does!

I finally bit the bullet. After hearing some great lectures on the effects of media on children and the incident at school where Luke was acting out some violent scene from a tv show.....I turned off the tube completely. Well for Luke, that is.

Lucas is visibly less aggressive. He is much more calmer but the best part is, he is so much more fun and creative!

The new pictures are of Luke flying a kite he made. Another picture is of him in his bed with some of my old cans that we made into a awesome rocking drum set. We love love love it! Especially me. No so much Tim. (I'd always wished I was a drummer in a rock band.....) Anyway, I picked up an old beat up surf board at a garage sale for 5 bucks! I told him he could decorate it, besides that I grabbed a book at the sale too. The title: 365 things to for kids besides watch tv. So, I know I'm on the right track! You know the little signs God gives and such...

So check out the new photos and the link of a very uninhibited Lukie doing his hip hop rap dancing!

So, now I have to go help my son find something to do besides tv....as he is driving me nuts.

I Throw Crackers When I'm Angry

It has been a long time since I've blogged, but I have an awesome reason/excuse.
Okay, here goes...in a nut shell.
February 7 I quit smoking. Yay alright! After 100's of failed attempts over the last 10 or so years, I randomly came across a show on smoking...okay..it was Oprah. But anyway it was a show on smoking cessation and it had some excellent information. Number one, I learned that there were different kinds of smoking addictions. Yah okay, I thought fine. I already know...I'm the 'hardcore' kind. For some reason I kept watching. They had been interviewing 3 women who had quit and showed how they were doing. For some reason that was really helpful. Near the end they gave a website to take a test to determine what kind of smoker you are. Fast forward I took the test. I was actually surprised to find out the result. Yah, I knew I'd rate the hardcore smoker but didn't know what all that entailed. So here are my dirty issue on a plate for all of blog world. Basically it said my kind of smoker smokes to possible medicate another problem. They smoke chain smoke...ect ect. The most alarming part was that the percentage of people in this category had a next to zero chance of ever quitting. Luckily for me, that made me mad and being the opositional type that my husband says I am, It actually motivated me! So I carefully read the quit plan, and this time I followed. I made an appointment with my beloved head shrinker. I told him what I heard about from Oppie. He surprisingly agreed. After I told him my experiences of trying to quit previously. I go REAL crazy. So he readjusted my medication I already take to just a bit higher. I was supposed to set my quit date a week into taking the new dosage. I was so gung-ho I quit a day early. Possibly before the new med took effect. I should have followed directions. That very evening as I was walking past Tim who was in the computer room I completely lost my mind! He said something to me with a tone of voice I usually ignore, but this time, I didn't keep walking. I backed up to the door of the room. I was eating crackers. 5 crackers to be exact, and I said slowly and softly, enunciating every word.."What did you say?". As he started to repeat with irritation about how he was hungry or something like that, I literally heard a snap inside my head. First I threw the 1 cracker as hard as I possibly could at him, hurting my arm. Then feeling that was not effective, crunched up the last four into tiny tiny pieces and threw them on his head and computer. Yelling all the while about how I work hard and such and such. He just looked at me. He didn't say a word. Later on down the road, I apologized and admitted that I had just quit smoking. He said then that it all made sense.
So the reason I haven't blogged is that my new medication makes me sssssoooooo chilled out, I am too lazy. No just kidding. I think it just numbs my creative drive some. I still think a lot about things I'd like to write about or do, I just haven't.
I'm getting better now. I haven't thrown any crackers since then.

All we need....and more.

A few days ago Luke asked me to go to the chapel service with him at his preschool. They have chapel every Thursday and the kids have a short service with the pastor. They sing, have a story from the bible and pray. I wasn't aware that parents also were welcome to attend.
So this morning I stayed for the morning chapel and it was one of those gifts that God gives of extreme beauty. So simple and so beautiful. The children sang with full hearts and they held nothing back. Their faces just radiated joy which then spread to everyone else in the chapel.
It's amazing to me how such a simple thing could be so intricate in design and meaning. The wonder and innocence of the children were contagious and I left the service with many things to consider and ponder.
The first thing I thought as I walked to my car is that God must hear my quietest thoughts and deepest questions even when I don't even mean him to, because yesterday, as I ran my errands and kept up my mindless busy pace I secretly wondered if there is more to life. I didn't wonder this in an ungrateful way but more in a curious way. When you have all you want and you need no more things then what do you do? How does life change when the struggle to survive disappears? The thought was so quiet and buried underneath my mental 'to do' lists that I quickly forgot about it.
Then this morning at chapel God reminded me about the question that had been whispering to me the day before. He seemed to be pointing to the children and in many different ways say that, what they are, how they are, that is exactly what He wants from me and everyone else too.
So this morning before I resume the rest of my day I am thinking about exactly what I saw in those children. I remember their shining faces smiling as they sang. Full of life and animation. Full hearts. Spontaneous joy. Completely in the moment of praise.
They seem to naturally know what was important. As I compare myself to them, I doubt they were worried about getting gas for the car or being late for an appointment. Nope they had all they needed right then and there....and I got to be there, and I felt I had all I needed and more too.

This song is for my Sweetheart, Tim. Happy Valentines!

Hey mf's...I'm Breathin' Freeeeeeeeeeee!

I haven't done anything with my life today. I'm a complete loser. Well, I did make the bed and pick up the house somewhat but thats because if I don't then I feel super uncomfortable, like itchy. Anyway, I am 'breathing free' that means I quit smoking but Oprah says not to say 'quit', you say, 'I'm f---ing breathing free'. Yah okay.

So the good news is I have been 'breathing free' since the 7th. Hoorah! The bad thing is, is that I had to go to my head shrinker doctor to readjust my medicine. I suggested to him to just cut to the chase and give me Vicodin. I don't know why we just mess around with other stuff. He didn't really see it that way though. So instead he ups my dosage of my anti-anxiety pill x3, and I really gotta tell you, its working. I am 'breathing free', I am also drooling, but no matter. I won't have cancer. Speaking of which, that is a new worry on my mind. I've had a bit of a sore back this morning, I was sure my spine was riddled with cancer but then again its probably because I slept till 11. Whatever. I am 'breathing free' okay? So I will sleep alot and its OKAY. Ha.
Now, I am going to go and accomplish something. What that will be I have no idea. Maybe organize my son's legos or repackage the dry cereal into tupperware. Hmmmmm....the choices are many...

The Dance Battle

Last night I took my 4 year old son, Luke and his 11 year old cousin to see Chris Brown in concert. It was quite the experience.
Now its not what your thinking. Chris Brown is not the typical rapper you'd think of right off. This guy is very cool and considered to be the best dancer currently for hip hop in the world. The concert totally rocked....from a kids point of view, that is.....no really..I actually loved it too. Besides Chris Brown joined this 'club' where the music artists pledge to use clean langauge. No nasty lyrics, no bitches, no ho's, and the like. Anyway, I felt his show was child friendly enough to bring my young ones to and apparantly so did many other parents. I was one of many out of place parents standing next to pre-teen kids going CRAZY. Yes it was quite the experience. I think it was great. Luke was completely mesmerized by the dancing and special effects.

My thinking on this is that I'd like to expose Luke to as much diverse talent as possible, kind of to show him what is possible in the world, to give him things to dream about and strive towards.
I know as a child my family lived in a smaller community and I wasn't exposed much to any kinds of talent unless it was highschool sports or singing in church. My artistic dreams never matured to personal possibility simply because I never met anyone who spoke the language of creative arts until I was much much older. If Luke has any of my leanings Tim and I are ready! We both noticed its highly likely from what Luke has shown so far!
He loves to perform and is very physical. For instance, this morning Luke and I did 'battle.'( I may be able to load the video later....) You ask, what is battle? Okay, its a dance off. His middle sister Remy made him a cd of his favorite rap songs. So I put it on and we take turns trying to out do each other breakdancing, popping, roboting, and other awesome dance moves. Its so fun, his sister Kenna, joined in and Tim too. Everyone doing the 'pop lock and drop' and 'getting low' and what not. Way fun. Luke's oldest sister Mariko was there too but she is a bit more 'Japanese' then her sister Kenna and too dignified to do the robot but she did get some good laughs though! Hopefully I can share the video because as you will see, Luke takes himself very seriously with his hip hop!
I guess the way I see is, that even if Luke does not end up mastering any particular art, the point is to understand the necessity of being able to express yourself from your heart joyously and spontaneously. In the world we live in its too often we do what we think we 'should' and end up forgetting the importance of child-like joy. There is so much regurgitated knowlegde and rules we need to learn to survive and while that is good....I just want to stress the other side. The side of honoring your dreams and living from the heart.
So I'm curious. What are your dreams? The thing you always wished you could do? The thing that when you're driving in the car you imagine yourself doing. You are flamenco dancing? Bravo. Go do it. You are a poet? Fabulous. Go make some poems. Who cares if they're crappy. I dance tahitian. I am terrible. But so what. There are enough experts in the world.
I you have the time I'd love to know....please comment and tell me what you would secretly love to do.

Super bored.

OKay, I'm a bit bored tonight and I happen to be a wicked list maker. Everyday you know, I make a list. Sometimes they're weird, but I swear they help me.

List of stuff I like.

• Roberto Cavalli dresses
• Leonard de Paris clothes
  

1. Thrift stores
2. piano
3. 3' heels
4. suede
5. awesome leather handbags
   
6. reading
   
7. cooking by the seat of my pants. (meaning; making it up as you go)
8. painting
9. shock value
10. taking photos of random stuff
11. Fresh flowers
12. silence
13. pedicures

By the Grace of God, there go I.

I finally figured out how to choose my own music for this site. It was so easy its embarrassing-oh well.
Let me introduce my current favorite musician: Marc Cohen.

I love his arrangements the guitar, piano, and lyrics are simple, true, and beautifully put. I think this particular song speaks well for me, and if it really is a great song, it will speak to a place in everyone.

I added a few more links to sites I liked. Geek-Betty is someone I accidentally came across, kinda bumped into her blog out in cyberspace. I'm very glad I did. I find reading it a strange experience, as if she is living the life I tried so hard to get away from. But somehow, when reading her blog, we seem the same. All our life trappings that supposedly tell us who we are: our zip code, our education, our cars, ect. ect. that were supposed to separate us...they really don't. Anyway, her life shows me that our wealth is on the inside.

and sometimes I'm proud, and sometimes I'm unsure if I should be ashamed of how hard I tried to climb up up up and out. And I have to think about it to remember, so I know, I wasn't climbing up for status but for freedom. Freedom from ignorance, hatred, bitterness, blame.
So I did climb. Yeah, so I'm a climber. I know it's been said about me. But I think you would have too if you were me. Who wants to live a life saturated with drugs, lies, and fear? It was poverty on every level and when I decided I wanted out, I stopped at nothing to get away from all of it. I can't seem to be sorry for that.

but sometimes I feel guilty about my life. I know I don't have everything in the world but it sure is more than most. I thought about this after posting the pictures of my new bedspread. As if thats the most important thing in the world or something. I don't know. I'm just glad I have a bed with sheets and the fact that they match...well thats the frosting. I'll not mention the thread count..ah hem...but seriously, I guess I felt weird for celebrating so openly my new stuff without qualifying how they came to be, and now I will qualify them.
"By the grace of God, there go I.."

I'm a real grown-up.

Okay, here is the new bed spread, I still need a few more pieces, but hey, Its an improvement.


Next photo proves that I am a full fledged grown-up. I now am the proud owner of stemware. YAH!

Last photo is the flowers I bought this week, they're kinda dying but I'm still hanging on to them.

She was bored!

My bff, Heidi, has met a dream guy and they are about to run off into the sunset. ah hem... Yah. No they really are. I am so happy for her. She is one of the most industrious women I know. Single mom, Business owner, and she's kept her hair gorgeous platinum blond through it all. She is my most fabulous friend. Loyal, loving, whimsical, and completely unique.

It seems like her life is changing as her new man pampers her to death. She called me and left this message, "Um....yah, Cathy, I was wondering...uh, What DO you Do all day, yah, call me back."

Now normally if someone asks me that, them are fighten words! Cause hey! I do important shit. Don't make me get into it.
But when Heidi left that message I totally had to laugh. She used to work too much, as far as I was concerned. It seems like she is getting a well deserved break. I called her back.

"Hey, I got your message....girl, you don't even know!"

Her, "Really? Well what do you do, because I'm kind of bored."

Me, "Okay, remember my bedspread? It was so gross. Anyway, Tim has hated it for so long. I got an awesome new set up. Its totally right out of a magazine. So hotel. But see, it wasn't easy, I bargained shopped, thats the thing see... I went to costco and bought a down comfortor, then Ross for this gorgeous duvet....I'm not even near finished...but you know.."

Her, "hmmmm, yeah.....decorate....that is so perf." (Perf: Perfect.)
Me, "For real, its totally fun. Oh, also, your kid, they will keep you busy, sign em up for all kinds of activities. You know you'll be carpooling for hours. Piano, gymnastics, japanese....yoga...and whatnot."

Her, "Yeah, Savannah is starting ballet, and we'll be moving soon and that will keep us seriously busy. I guess I was just bored for a bit today. Besides I gotta a million apps from nannys to read."

Me, "Oh, well, if you get bored again, call me. I'll tell you about my new magic bullet blender. Its the bomb. Anyway, I'm going back to bed, I have a blader infection."

Her, "ew. kay, bye."

I can not believe we are having this conversation........as we met 11 years ago in a night club we both go- goed at, our lockers were next to each others...and now we're moms and functioning members of society discussing house-wife stuff.......thank God.

Vocabulary Lesson for Tim

A couple days ago my truck was broken into. Not really 'broken into' persay because it wasn't locked in the first place. The only thing stolen that mattered was my phone. I replaced it yesterday and have the same phone number, however, the SIM card memory couldn't be replaced which means I have no ones phone numbers. If you all could be so kind and call me with your number I will start the reprogramming of my phone.

Yesterday Tim was going to take out his one man canoe. He had Luke helping him get it down from the racks. Tim said to him, "Be careful it's delicate."
Luke replies, " I know."
Tim looks at him and goes, "Do you know what 'delicate' means?"
Luke bored says, "Yes, it means fragile."
Tim now curious asks, "Do you know what fragile means?"
Luke says, "Yah Dad, it means something can be easily broken."

Tim came inside later to tell me the story how Luke patiently answered all of his questions, he was a bit surprised by his vocab. I just figured Luke thought Tim needed to know the definition. Its so nice of him to put up with his parents questions.

Om.

Lately I've been reading about meditation. I have been very interested in the suggestion of a quiet time of listening. The thought of stopping my mind for while has sounded good to me. However, it also made me very nervous. I have tried to slow my mind in the past and meditate and it did't turn out at all.

I have always had too many thoughts. It has taken me so many years to learn which ones to express. This is no joke as being finally diagnosed with some minor mental quirks. My doctor explained it well. He said that my mind is like a radio playing 5 to 10 channels...AT ONCE. I could identify with that imediately. It was the first time someone seemed to understand what its like in my head! Anyway, it is not always that loud in there and I can focus, it just may be a bit more difficult at times. Since then I've learned many different ways to cope with the incessant thinking and can report I have had great results.

Now that I think I have a good control on my internal radio stations I decided to try to meditate this afternoon. I sat down on a pillow and got geared up to start mediating. I was like, 'YAH! I'm DOING it! Cool.' But after a few minutes the chatter did slow and I found a really effective image to focus on.

I imagined I was floating in water. The further away my thoughts got, the lower I would sink under the surface. I could look up and see the light above the water which was my external world with all its noise and chaos. I continued to sink a bit lower so the light was further and further away. On the way down I imagined my cares, concerns, and static to float up and away to the surface, like bubbles. I noticed that after the most noticeable ones floated away I was left with this one thought that I seemed to have an abundance of. The last thoughts to float up all had one word in common. When I noticed the word I was surprised. The word was, "Want". For instance, it sounded like this, I want to scratch my nose, I want a drink of water, I want a blanket, I want to change my legs, I want....' You get the point.

At a certain point though, the wants got quieter so as I didn't notice them as much. When my leg fell asleep I thought whoa, I am way not yogi enough for that! So I opened my eyes and looked at my watch. I had no idea how long I'd been there.

I got 21 minutes. Somehow I don't think I'm supposed to be this proud of it, but I am. Yay me.

Being a parent or step-parent asks me to be more than I am. Lately I've noticed that. I wish to teach gentleness, humility, grace, and forgiveness, among many other things. However here is the catch, I'm supposed to possess these things first! Thinking on this yesterday, I had to go to God for an emergency fronted supply. Luckily for me, He always has it. Never runs out.

This weeks family drama has been excessively tiresome and painful. However with age comes perspective. Actually, I correct that, with age and praying desperately with your face on the floor comes perspective.

It went kind of like this: ME: "God, I am being treated unfairly and am enraged beyond measure, and oh yeah, no one understands me and why am I sooooo different? I live with a bunch of jerks and I'm supposed to be this mature bullet-proof mother and wife and...blah...blah..blah. Anyway, what do I do? Just tell me..just tellmewhattodo...!!

GOD: "Cathy, relax, you're okay. Besides think of those people in Kenya getting killed with machettes. Now what was your problem? Oh yeah, that. Okay, just remember, the actions of other people cannot define you. Only your actions do that, and yes, I do see you are a little short in the patience department, grace department, and...well, like I said, relax. I'm on it."

Since this prayer alot has changed. First of all I learned that in moments of doubt or extreme emotion of any kind, it can be best to do and say nothing. Just relax. Wait. So thats what I've done. I called time on the game of emotional family drama, and I must say, it feels foreign for me, so against my overly reactive nature that has taxed me most of my life, to be the one to say, "HEYEVERYBODY STOP! TIME. f---ing. OUT.!" I normally am the one to relentlessly chase phantom solutions in a crazed state. (FYI, it never worked.)

I guess I've come to the thought that, gee, I just don't know all the anwers all the time, and am embarrassed to say, this little tidbit surprised me much more than it should have. However, that knowledge lets me breathe and just writing it, I let out an huge exhale and rememeber, God knows whats going on, He's got my back. He's 'handlin' it'. All the tension dissapears from my neck and my shoulders drop down from where they were hiked up by my ears and in the middle of my chest a spark of sunny warmth that lets me know this storm is almost over.

We'll count casualties later.

At times of struggle and sadness I tend to do the ostrich thing. So that during difficulty I can continue to function with the daily business of living. So on the surface if I was asked why I look tired or angry, or some other unseemly emotion, I can answer with bewilderment? What me? I am fine. You know, fine. But the truth inside me leaks. Sometimes to my dismay and
sometimes it takes me awhile to gather all the leaking clues of lethargy, vodka, and excessive daydreaming about what it'd be like if I was blind, to notice something might not be 'right'.

Luckily for me I have what I think is a special perk from God that has helps me in my life. I have always been a prolific dreamer. When I cannot look at something head on, it will first come at me sideways in the shape of a vivid, colorful, emotional big screen dream. Dreams that draw on all my senses of smell, taste, touch, besides just the sight and sound. Last night's dream was no different it was really an award winner!

In the dream I was wading through the ocean with an unseen friend, a woman whom I loved, but could not see her face, As we waded a fair distance from the shore she would reassure me we were not far from where we were going. As we neared shore I started having stomach pains and doubled over. I sank beneath the water and to my shock when I came up I was holding a newborn baby. He was perfect and I was happily surprised. Someone handed me a piece of paper that had his name on it. I read it and not finding any liking or connection to it, (the name was Eric) decided to name him David, like the David from David and Goliath and like my brother.

When I woke up, the first thought I had was 'Hey, I don't want more children!" But after the initial alarm wore off and I realized my dream was not some longing for another baby.....I snuggled back down under my new feather comforter and rolled the dream around in my thoughts considering all the beautiful little details that safely seemed right out of a movie.

No more Discovery Channel. Period.

My son asks profound questions. I was watching CSI and trying to relax and he goes, "Mom, how do the pictures get in the t.v.?" I sigh, and hope his Dad comes home soon because he loves to seriously answer these questions with him.
I say, " I don't know."
So he asks again, "Moooom, but hooooow do they get in there?"
I am so tired and I mumble threatenly,"Hey, you know its magic dammit now don't bother me. Dang."
I'm not letting him watch Discovery anymore.

More meds.

I had another dream. I was getting in the car with Tim and all the kids. My step-daughter was in the front seat. I then kicked her ass. Totally weird.

My son can play the piano...with his head.

We were at a New Year's Eve party with a bunch of super socially acceptable people and one of these s.s.a's comes sloshing up to me and Luke after seeing him dancing and says to, me kinda hunched over, "oooohhheeey, now that kidsssssgonnabeeeeeesumbudy!" I instinctively grabbed my son to my side and hissed, "NO, no he's not."

We were in at the hot tub at our hotel this last weekend and I was talking about how Lukey is in piano. I was real excited about it. I was just about to brag about how great his ear is and joke how he loves to play the piano....with his nose...and its soooo funny blah blah blah. Well, this stately older man who was in the hot tub too was listening and turns to us and says he was a piano teacher. We all turned to him interested and he goes on to tell us how his daughter is a Juliard graduate and was a child prodigy on magazine covers and a show called "Who in the World?" and how at 6 years old she was playing concerts....with an orchestra!!! ........... I was so glad I didn't brag about Luke playing the piano with his head. Phew!

The other day, I heard about a school that really interested me. Its called Assets. Its for kids who are gifted or dyslexic or both. So I called Tim to tell him that I was looking into it and he says to me, "Well, what makes you think Luke is gifted?" I was silent. I never thought about THAT. So I considered his question for the rest of the day.

When he got home I told him my answer. 1)First of all, everyone is gifted. See 1Cor.12:4. ALL people are born with certain gifts.....my job is to understand this and help my son find his.
2) I read a study done on a class room of children. The teacher was given fake test scores at the begining of the year. The fake scores were divided in two groups. One group they called "gifted". One group they called average. At the end of the year the children whom the teacher believed to be gifted had lived up to their label and had the new test scores to prove it. The other group similarly lived up to the teachers expectations and had average scores. I will try to find the actual study and post the link for it. So therefore reason number two is: We are who we believe we are. Go see Forest Gump.
3) Thirdly, I think this world uses the term gifted incorrectly. You are "gifted" if you happen to learn the way the majority of people learn and excel at it. Then you are recognized by the system as special. Maybe so, maybe not. Read the Davinci Method.
4)Back to the first reason.

The List

My husband likes to get me very nice gifts. So this Christmas early in December, I started making my private Christmas list. I knew that what I would choose I most likely recieve so I spent quite a bit of thought on it. Near the top was a Hermes enamel bracelet, something interesting, valuable, and collectible. Then I thought of the different gems and stones and how I might want a piece of jewelry. My mind kept going around searching for that one thing I would really want. I considered each item and held it in my minds eye and looked at it from every angle. I imagined what it'd be like to own each thing and what I would do with it. I could see myself admire the thing and then walk to my jewelry box and put it inside. Slowly every item on my list dissapeared as I found that I really did not want any of them very much after all.
It would seem I would have trancended some spiritual mountain, but actually I felt a bit empty and dull.

Since then, I have felt like I am waiting. I have lost my crazy energetic drive and now have started questioning everything I do searching for motives. I have thought of possessions, incomes, the vacations, and have come up empty. These things suddenly are not enough to invest my full attention to anymore. I started to search for ideas of what would warrant me to break loose my energy. A few nights later I had a dream.

I was in a high-rise penthouse. I could hear the clinking of glasses and the light laughter and conversations of the people there. I was engaged in some mindless talk with someone when I saw a flash of fire in the reflection in the window. Still holding my glass I ran to the window and as the other guests crowded behind me we watched a building across town come crumbling down. As everyone stared out the window in shocked silence two more buildings came down. I thought, this is it, and set my drink down.

The next part of the dream I entered our old home. It was destroyed, glass shards, twisted steel were everywhere, the dust barely settled. There was no one there. I led Luke by the hand up the stairs. I walked over to a table where something shiny caught my eye. It was my jewelry. I gingerly picked up a beautiful necklace and put it down. Then I picked up a pair of Chanel earring that were my step-daughter's. I'd always been jealous of those earring. I realized they were mine now if I wanted them. I stood there gently fingering the double cc. I thought of the city torn apart the and destruction and realized they no longer have value. They have no context in this world. No one will ever care again about that logo. It means nothing now. I tipped my palm and let the earring slip back down to the table. Silently I took Luke's hand and turned and left that place.

Since I've had the dream I've turned it over and over in my mind, realizing it contains many questions and answers.

Last night lying in bed after turning the light out, I turned to my husband and told him I was waiting for something. Something I couldn't put my finger on....I told him of my apathy and wondered if I was too young for that mid-life thing. He laughed, but he understood.

He is going to join another mission in the summer. He asked me if I'd like to go to Africa with him.