The List

My husband likes to get me very nice gifts. So this Christmas early in December, I started making my private Christmas list. I knew that what I would choose I most likely recieve so I spent quite a bit of thought on it. Near the top was a Hermes enamel bracelet, something interesting, valuable, and collectible. Then I thought of the different gems and stones and how I might want a piece of jewelry. My mind kept going around searching for that one thing I would really want. I considered each item and held it in my minds eye and looked at it from every angle. I imagined what it'd be like to own each thing and what I would do with it. I could see myself admire the thing and then walk to my jewelry box and put it inside. Slowly every item on my list dissapeared as I found that I really did not want any of them very much after all.
It would seem I would have trancended some spiritual mountain, but actually I felt a bit empty and dull.

Since then, I have felt like I am waiting. I have lost my crazy energetic drive and now have started questioning everything I do searching for motives. I have thought of possessions, incomes, the vacations, and have come up empty. These things suddenly are not enough to invest my full attention to anymore. I started to search for ideas of what would warrant me to break loose my energy. A few nights later I had a dream.

I was in a high-rise penthouse. I could hear the clinking of glasses and the light laughter and conversations of the people there. I was engaged in some mindless talk with someone when I saw a flash of fire in the reflection in the window. Still holding my glass I ran to the window and as the other guests crowded behind me we watched a building across town come crumbling down. As everyone stared out the window in shocked silence two more buildings came down. I thought, this is it, and set my drink down.

The next part of the dream I entered our old home. It was destroyed, glass shards, twisted steel were everywhere, the dust barely settled. There was no one there. I led Luke by the hand up the stairs. I walked over to a table where something shiny caught my eye. It was my jewelry. I gingerly picked up a beautiful necklace and put it down. Then I picked up a pair of Chanel earring that were my step-daughter's. I'd always been jealous of those earring. I realized they were mine now if I wanted them. I stood there gently fingering the double cc. I thought of the city torn apart the and destruction and realized they no longer have value. They have no context in this world. No one will ever care again about that logo. It means nothing now. I tipped my palm and let the earring slip back down to the table. Silently I took Luke's hand and turned and left that place.

Since I've had the dream I've turned it over and over in my mind, realizing it contains many questions and answers.

Last night lying in bed after turning the light out, I turned to my husband and told him I was waiting for something. Something I couldn't put my finger on....I told him of my apathy and wondered if I was too young for that mid-life thing. He laughed, but he understood.

He is going to join another mission in the summer. He asked me if I'd like to go to Africa with him.