At times life goes too fast for me to stop and write and I miss it. Its seems, I know if I am living and not just existing if I write. If I notice all the details, all the moments like....the light on his face.....at that angle, it seems beautiful, the wind on my face....

When things are good I notice my life and I love all the small things that mean I am so alive and so grateful to be here on this planet. Beloved. Child of God. Many times I find myself here. I feel lucky because I am not sure most people feel the same way, but because I came up from the depths of pain and confusion and all the years of darkness...and then......light, I feel blessed beyond measure.

So, I notice things maybe others take for granted because it's only by the grace of God that I experience them. The opening my fridge...and it's full. My bed and the privacy and feeling of cleanliness and calm it gives me. Having my husband hold my hand when we walk somewhere....There are so many small moments I notice and smile inside to know, they're mine, and I feel so rich.

But life has its ups and downs and I struggle with them like everyone else. I miss my cousin and think of him almost daily. I try to be glad and know that he has peace and that God's grace is his in full now...but even though I believe this, I am still sad in the unspeakable place where I store things that cannot be expressed because there are no words for them. The place where thoughts of unborn children, missing a mother and a cousin reside. A place I let God manage for me because I cannot.

Now I worry about my youngest step-daughter. She was not asked back to her highschool for her senior year. Essentially she was nicely kicked out of the most difficult school to be kicked out of. She has steadily been in decline and none of us know for how long. It has been decided she will go to a 'camp' for the summer. Its theraputic and meant to help teens through difficult periods in their lives. It's just so hard for all of us to go through this again with another daughter. It makes me wonder about all the mistakes I've made as her step-mom. It also makes me remember my own dark period I went through in my teens. It's just so much pain to think about....her.....Tim...Joyce...her sisters...and me. I just hope we get through it and come out for the better. She is not aware of the plans being made for her but she will be leaving us next Tuesday. It's alot to think about right now.

In light of the recent events my next entry will be for my Dad.