Om.

Lately I've been reading about meditation. I have been very interested in the suggestion of a quiet time of listening. The thought of stopping my mind for while has sounded good to me. However, it also made me very nervous. I have tried to slow my mind in the past and meditate and it did't turn out at all.

I have always had too many thoughts. It has taken me so many years to learn which ones to express. This is no joke as being finally diagnosed with some minor mental quirks. My doctor explained it well. He said that my mind is like a radio playing 5 to 10 channels...AT ONCE. I could identify with that imediately. It was the first time someone seemed to understand what its like in my head! Anyway, it is not always that loud in there and I can focus, it just may be a bit more difficult at times. Since then I've learned many different ways to cope with the incessant thinking and can report I have had great results.

Now that I think I have a good control on my internal radio stations I decided to try to meditate this afternoon. I sat down on a pillow and got geared up to start mediating. I was like, 'YAH! I'm DOING it! Cool.' But after a few minutes the chatter did slow and I found a really effective image to focus on.

I imagined I was floating in water. The further away my thoughts got, the lower I would sink under the surface. I could look up and see the light above the water which was my external world with all its noise and chaos. I continued to sink a bit lower so the light was further and further away. On the way down I imagined my cares, concerns, and static to float up and away to the surface, like bubbles. I noticed that after the most noticeable ones floated away I was left with this one thought that I seemed to have an abundance of. The last thoughts to float up all had one word in common. When I noticed the word I was surprised. The word was, "Want". For instance, it sounded like this, I want to scratch my nose, I want a drink of water, I want a blanket, I want to change my legs, I want....' You get the point.

At a certain point though, the wants got quieter so as I didn't notice them as much. When my leg fell asleep I thought whoa, I am way not yogi enough for that! So I opened my eyes and looked at my watch. I had no idea how long I'd been there.

I got 21 minutes. Somehow I don't think I'm supposed to be this proud of it, but I am. Yay me.

Being a parent or step-parent asks me to be more than I am. Lately I've noticed that. I wish to teach gentleness, humility, grace, and forgiveness, among many other things. However here is the catch, I'm supposed to possess these things first! Thinking on this yesterday, I had to go to God for an emergency fronted supply. Luckily for me, He always has it. Never runs out.

This weeks family drama has been excessively tiresome and painful. However with age comes perspective. Actually, I correct that, with age and praying desperately with your face on the floor comes perspective.

It went kind of like this: ME: "God, I am being treated unfairly and am enraged beyond measure, and oh yeah, no one understands me and why am I sooooo different? I live with a bunch of jerks and I'm supposed to be this mature bullet-proof mother and wife and...blah...blah..blah. Anyway, what do I do? Just tell me..just tellmewhattodo...!!

GOD: "Cathy, relax, you're okay. Besides think of those people in Kenya getting killed with machettes. Now what was your problem? Oh yeah, that. Okay, just remember, the actions of other people cannot define you. Only your actions do that, and yes, I do see you are a little short in the patience department, grace department, and...well, like I said, relax. I'm on it."

Since this prayer alot has changed. First of all I learned that in moments of doubt or extreme emotion of any kind, it can be best to do and say nothing. Just relax. Wait. So thats what I've done. I called time on the game of emotional family drama, and I must say, it feels foreign for me, so against my overly reactive nature that has taxed me most of my life, to be the one to say, "HEYEVERYBODY STOP! TIME. f---ing. OUT.!" I normally am the one to relentlessly chase phantom solutions in a crazed state. (FYI, it never worked.)

I guess I've come to the thought that, gee, I just don't know all the anwers all the time, and am embarrassed to say, this little tidbit surprised me much more than it should have. However, that knowledge lets me breathe and just writing it, I let out an huge exhale and rememeber, God knows whats going on, He's got my back. He's 'handlin' it'. All the tension dissapears from my neck and my shoulders drop down from where they were hiked up by my ears and in the middle of my chest a spark of sunny warmth that lets me know this storm is almost over.

We'll count casualties later.

At times of struggle and sadness I tend to do the ostrich thing. So that during difficulty I can continue to function with the daily business of living. So on the surface if I was asked why I look tired or angry, or some other unseemly emotion, I can answer with bewilderment? What me? I am fine. You know, fine. But the truth inside me leaks. Sometimes to my dismay and
sometimes it takes me awhile to gather all the leaking clues of lethargy, vodka, and excessive daydreaming about what it'd be like if I was blind, to notice something might not be 'right'.

Luckily for me I have what I think is a special perk from God that has helps me in my life. I have always been a prolific dreamer. When I cannot look at something head on, it will first come at me sideways in the shape of a vivid, colorful, emotional big screen dream. Dreams that draw on all my senses of smell, taste, touch, besides just the sight and sound. Last night's dream was no different it was really an award winner!

In the dream I was wading through the ocean with an unseen friend, a woman whom I loved, but could not see her face, As we waded a fair distance from the shore she would reassure me we were not far from where we were going. As we neared shore I started having stomach pains and doubled over. I sank beneath the water and to my shock when I came up I was holding a newborn baby. He was perfect and I was happily surprised. Someone handed me a piece of paper that had his name on it. I read it and not finding any liking or connection to it, (the name was Eric) decided to name him David, like the David from David and Goliath and like my brother.

When I woke up, the first thought I had was 'Hey, I don't want more children!" But after the initial alarm wore off and I realized my dream was not some longing for another baby.....I snuggled back down under my new feather comforter and rolled the dream around in my thoughts considering all the beautiful little details that safely seemed right out of a movie.