Being a parent or step-parent asks me to be more than I am. Lately I've noticed that. I wish to teach gentleness, humility, grace, and forgiveness, among many other things. However here is the catch, I'm supposed to possess these things first! Thinking on this yesterday, I had to go to God for an emergency fronted supply. Luckily for me, He always has it. Never runs out.

This weeks family drama has been excessively tiresome and painful. However with age comes perspective. Actually, I correct that, with age and praying desperately with your face on the floor comes perspective.

It went kind of like this: ME: "God, I am being treated unfairly and am enraged beyond measure, and oh yeah, no one understands me and why am I sooooo different? I live with a bunch of jerks and I'm supposed to be this mature bullet-proof mother and wife and...blah...blah..blah. Anyway, what do I do? Just tell me..just tellmewhattodo...!!

GOD: "Cathy, relax, you're okay. Besides think of those people in Kenya getting killed with machettes. Now what was your problem? Oh yeah, that. Okay, just remember, the actions of other people cannot define you. Only your actions do that, and yes, I do see you are a little short in the patience department, grace department, and...well, like I said, relax. I'm on it."

Since this prayer alot has changed. First of all I learned that in moments of doubt or extreme emotion of any kind, it can be best to do and say nothing. Just relax. Wait. So thats what I've done. I called time on the game of emotional family drama, and I must say, it feels foreign for me, so against my overly reactive nature that has taxed me most of my life, to be the one to say, "HEYEVERYBODY STOP! TIME. f---ing. OUT.!" I normally am the one to relentlessly chase phantom solutions in a crazed state. (FYI, it never worked.)

I guess I've come to the thought that, gee, I just don't know all the anwers all the time, and am embarrassed to say, this little tidbit surprised me much more than it should have. However, that knowledge lets me breathe and just writing it, I let out an huge exhale and rememeber, God knows whats going on, He's got my back. He's 'handlin' it'. All the tension dissapears from my neck and my shoulders drop down from where they were hiked up by my ears and in the middle of my chest a spark of sunny warmth that lets me know this storm is almost over.

We'll count casualties later.