Beauty for Ashes

I was reading a book recently about the ways human beings subconscously create their personal identity. A passage in this chapter really resonated with me. It suggested that if you had failed to create an self-image in the normal way (education,job,family,ect.) then you either create it's negative opposite (negative or anti-social behavior) or if you've done neither people just feel uncomfortable with you, not knowing how they relate to you and you them. It can be a painful feeling.
I really understood that, but the cool thing is, that it suggests the place of weak identity or a destroyed identity (tragedy, job loss, divorce ect.) is actually the optimum place for the spiritual realization of who you really are. Which, in fact, has nothing to do with your education or job or any other fleeting role we may play in life. Maybe because there is not as much as an entrenched identity to disidentify with or its one that would be happily discarded given the choice.

I have generally experienced a basic discomfort when socializing with new people. As I grew older I started to understand that I did not have the typical life experiences, in the typical orders, to communicate to someone a basic picture of who I was. You know, my "story" was either too weird or unacceptable to use as a lead in! So I have had much anxiety meeting new people, until the last few years. (Thank God for Tim!)

This year has been one of joy as I become comfortable embracing myself as larger than what is definable in words. I now have in the place of past shame and discomfort a pervading peace and surprisingly, a persistent and overwhelming joy.( God's love is so good, His concern so undeniable....)

Luke had started Kindergarten at a great public school near us. Two weeks into it though, I noticed him more and more angry and resistant to school. He was required to do almost daily homework. It was hard to pretend it was interesting. I tried to stay positve for him but in truth, we both knew the work to be drudgery. He is my son after all..... so cut and paste we did and did and did. Ugh.
I looked at his school ciriculum to see where I could help my son. He was not interested and I was worried because he seemed to fall behind the standards the system had created for his grade. I spoke to my husband about it several times. We searched for ways to help him. I even asked the teacher if I could assist in the classroom. (The answer was no.) I asked to observe the class. (Same answer.) Basically the public school teachers are exhausted, and rightly so, but I could not accept my son being just another score on a standardized test. I tried to talk to my husband again being completely frustrated. But this time he wasn't as understanding. He gently let me know I had to tow the line as a parent and support the system the best I could. I interpreted him as telling me to conform to a system I felt could not only not serve my child but potentially harm him. I stewed and prayed.
Gratefully God heard me......and I believe so fully His concern for my son's life is intimate and personal, so of course by the end of the week we had a phone call from Waldorf school that Luke was accepted because someone had dropped out and he could come imediately. This was Wednesday. By Monday I had all the forms filled and him withdrawn from the other school and together Tim and I took him to his first day at Waldorf, which by the way, I have found to be the most unbelieveably nurturing, peaceful, loving, respectful, aware, environment possible for a growing child, not to mention adults too!

This place is different. I noticed at once I was comfortable meeting the other parents and teachers. There was a similiar vibe in the way moved. There was no uncomfortable silences. Just comfortable ones. No one gave pedigrees upon meeting!

( Next blog I will share some of the beautiful philosophy behind the school. But basically it understands we are far more than the labels the world gives and we blindly accept.) In short, I feel I found people who care about what I do.....and this has been so rare in my life....

I truly cannot tell in words the joy I have to be able to offer my son something like this. (Thank you to my hard working husband!).. and I am happy to tell everyone I believe I have found a place where I/we feel at home...I've met kindred spirits!

By the way, Luke is loving school. and he has now 'gotten' his ABC's....know why?.......he did it through sign language.....hee hee!.....and me? I am making progress too.... I am getting to know the other moms, and actually LIKE them!....whoa. the world is shifting.....or maybe it's me.
Whatever it is......We will find our own way.