Life is just too crazy sometimes, but I try to remember that all things pass. Its been since Feb.7 since I became 'smoke free' and its been quite a journey for me and my family.
I figure that my habit was so important to me that I did it for 17 years. It filled quite a bit of time for me and unbeknowst to me it acted as an extremely strong buffer against life's anxieties. It was literally a cloud of smoke surrounding me that insulated me against unpleasant feelings and situations. You have to think that using that method of coping for all those years to stop it has been an enormous change. It has been more difficult I think for Tim than me. Without the ciggarette to take me outside to the back porch at any and every annoyance, I know instead stay put and say something. So of course not have much practice at negotiating irritating situations much I have swung to the far right in my responses and then to the far left. Eventually with some more practice maybe I will be able to handle life with more grace than I have in the past few months....and for the record, I do credit my husband with his patience and support and willingness to go the mile with me. Its probably been hellish and baffling for him.
On the subject of grace, which by the way, is my favorite subject, I bought a few copies of a sermon I heard at church a few weeks ago. It spoke to that secret place in my heart and has stayed with me since. I hope to be able to post it on my blog in a few days. It is an amazing message and has been a great comfort to me. I stay this with much emphasis, anyone who reads this blog can absolutely look forward to reading it. I just have to dictate it from an audio cd first. I know it will be worthwhile. If I can learn how to load it as it is in audio form I will.
My marriage has been difficult for all the above reasons and more. However, I am comforted in knowing that through suffering comes joy and understanding and compassion to the same degree. I have seen this strange thing occur again and again in my life, so I do speak from experience and am not quoting some 'feel good pop physcology book'! I believe we are in a time of growth and because we decided that we will stay married and ultimately want peace and all good things for ourselves and our children, I know we will weather this transition. (But it seems every time there is a hardship I once again have to decide whether your in or out.) Hopefully that will become less and less an occurance. Last thing on the subject of marriage. Its hard. It has asked me to be more than I am. It has forced me to rethink my behavior, habits, and priorities many times over. I guess it reminds me of becoming a parent, the way that it asks or demands you to grow......or die!
I have had a black rage of a temper since I quit smoking. I always knew it was there deep down, but now....honestly it has completely surprised me and now its something I need to manage. Last week I threw my beautiful porcelan egg from my mother out the window. It went through the screen in the living room and shattered in the street. Every time I look at the gaping hole in the screen I am sorry about it and wish it didn't happen. Not only does it make me look totally crazy and unstable but of course for this week I am sure I am the gossip of the neighborhood. We don't have much privacy the way our houses and windows are situated. So basically I used the most horrible language and threw stuff during an argument with my husband. I think I surprised him. Well I floored myself. Totally weird. However, the good thing about this incident is that when your actions are seen by everyone, I seem to have to face them. No hiding or pretending it wasn't so bad. So since my behavior has caused me much embarrassment I decided to change it. I seriously do not want to be know as that crazy lady neighbor.......
Anyway on to brighter subjects. This morning on the way to school Luke asked me, "Mom, how high is God?"
Me: Pretty high up there, you can't see him.
Luke: "Well could we see him with binoculars?"
Me: No.