Therapy Rocks.

After feeling bad for a few weeks, it dawned on me, in the form of a visual picture in my head the answer to my sadness. I imagined a box. The box was all my history. All things said and done to me or by me. All events to have ever have taken place. All labels, awards, failures, and thoughts. Everything. Then I saw the peaceful, silent and vast space around the box. I realized, of course I've been sad, I've been living in the damn box for a couple of weeks now, Instead of living outside the box where I belong. I gave myself a mental 'duh', and things steadily improved.

I know I am more back to my self because while driving with Luke today, he talked about the clown shoe. I imediately knew, he did not have to explain. He watches the clouds and so do I. He was finding beauty and having fun, and for the first time in awhile, I found beauty and had fun with him.

I had my purse stolen recently. It set off a whole week of violent and ugly mental dialogue between me and the imaginary perpetrator. Then out of the blue I noticed myself having these weird thoughts, and realized what a waste of energy, then I wondered what would happen if I did not respond this way. What if I did not fight or confront? After this last thought, I was overwhelmed with anxiety for a few minutes.

I am trying to let loose of this identification. This fighting thing. This tough thing. Maybe I don't need to be like that anymore.
It feels a lot lighter. Maybe whoever can just have my purse.

Me and my Dad have been having a lot of conversations lately. Its just that he doesn't know about them, because they've been in my head. They were tough and complicated. I was really mad for awhile and wanted to send him my therapy bill, but then I found out he really loves me, just like the way I love Luke, and would never harm me on purpose. Just like I would never want to harm my child either. The common thread we have between us is love. It surpasses all. It forgives all. It heals all.
I actually think we are quite alike.

This is what I've been doing lately besides thinking too much: Hot Yoga, Gardening, Piano, alot of Reading, alot of house work. Oh, and I've been sleeping better.