Kooky

It was the perfect storm, ran out of medication, insominia, thyroid low, cousin dies, step-daughter gets sent off. I really should have seen it coming.

The last month has been gruelling. I held things together well when Tim left for the East coast to bring Kenna to her 'girl's camp' and then to vacation in San Fran. My middle step-daughter stayed with me and Luke. She is doing very well in her life and was a great help to me. I was a bit stressed but still functioning. The night Tim came home I put a lot of effort into preparing for his return; dinner, lei, laundry ect. So when we sat on the couch before dinner and he complained there was not enough salsa for his chips in a disgusted tone, I believe you could've heard the audible snap of my mind cracking.

It was a quick downward spiral. Depression is no joke. It happened in the typical fashion. Luckily for me, I am schooled in this event and knew what to do. After doing the rounds of physical check ups to rule out something like brain rot, I called my shrink. He's a wonderful man, by the way.

What I realized as there is such a thing as 'too much'. Basically, I had 'too much'. He imediately increased my meds and made me another appointment for two weeks later.

Well, it's been about 2 weeks and I am feeling much better and gaining perspective. I've realized I've not only been grieving for Josh, my cousin, but also for Kenna.

Last night I wrote her an 'impact letter'. It was a hard task to do. I was supposed to cite all the reasons she is out of control. However, deep down, I feel it is because it is from an enormous lack of parenting.

As the step-mom, no one will admit, but I am the primary care-giver for her. I see her and interact the most. However, I have not been allowed to give consequences to her for her actions. Only Tim can do that. So basically, I can set up great structure but cannot enforce it in anyway. Nice.

Here is a picure of Kenna's daily life. Go out at night after we are asleep. come home, skip school, get kicked out of school. Sleep most of the day or talk obsessively on Myspace. Get showered and made up, go to Outrigger for lunch on her parents account, because she doesn't 'like' our food in the house. Do absolutely no chores I give her......(Dad. you better not be snickering...)and smoke weed.

Anyway, Tims solutions have been to tell her if she does not quit locking herself in her room, which by the way is a full studio with kitchen, he will remove the door. I swear we have all hear the threat hundreds of times. Never happened. So now she has been sent off to a camp where she is supposed to learn how to keep her word. Hmmmm. It seems real F-up if you ask me.

The one positive thing that came of all this so far is that I am learning by observing. So for Luke, I am practicing boundaries and doing what I say so he can expect and anticipate consequences for his actions. I signed him up for Karate and they gave me a chart of the 'karate' ways. Its a check list we go through together once a day to reward him for doing the right things. Respect for others, cleanliness, chores, ect.......and you know what?!!!! He LOVES it. He can measure and choose his own behavior. I think its extremely freeing for him. He is learning early that he is in charge of his choices. The rewards are time together doing what he picks. We go on a bike ride or play Operation....we are having lots of fun!

So far so good. I know he's not 17, and there is no comparison, but give me a break, I gotta have some highlight to all this, and it's Luke, he's awesome.

The other day, we were on a bike ride and he says to me, "Mom, your shadow is beautiful!!!!" He was noticing the different shades of blue in the shadows. Cool.