blah. blah blah. blah.

Tim went to church this morning and then off to show an apartment he has for rent. I am killing time on the computer and Luke is lying on the floor watching Ninja Turtles.

I really need to figure the darn picture posting thing because Luke has taken to wearing his bright green Ninja Turtle costume with the shell on his back daily. His best friend and our neighbor, a boy named Keenan who is 5, wear their costumes and run around the neighborhood together after school. Keenan has a Spiderman suit. The costumes are both full body and zip up the back. Masks too. I will try to figure the photo thing out tonight.

I feel like crap. I know its just the nicotine thing probably plus hormones, add being slightly crazy and wallah.....you get me. It totally sucks. I do not feel together or normal. I am offended easily by loud noises and abrubt physical contact. All I want to do is shop. Yeah, I am the wife of the year...I know. But shopping totally relaxes me, I feel like I'm floating. totally focused. never mind.

So I may be coming apart until I find an activity that I can do on command to ease my mind or anxieties....something like smoking...but not smoking of course. I am thinking maybe........a nail file....so I can tweak with that....and maybe morphine....I don't know. I might be dying of some horrible brain disease.

You can probably see that I was not an easy child to raise.

Off to shop at the Goodwill. I will find a treasure that will change mankind. Someone accidentally threw out something totally awesome. I will find it. Thus, change the free world as we know it.

Today, I do not believe in Majik.

October 1991

Its late. I am trying to fall asleep before Tim gets home. Luke is sleeping on Tim's side of the bed. I lie on my left side, facing the screen doors and look at the shadows on the wall and the curtain blowing gently. The fan is humming on the corner nightstand behind me. I don't like the feel of it on my face. I can't sleep yet. I'm not that tired.

I wonder if I am having deja vu, if maybe I've seen the curtains blow this exact way with the temperature in the room the exact same temperature as some other time before. Maybe the shadows are the same and that is why I am thinking about this night from years ago. I can't think of any reason why bits and pieces of a night years ago would be flickering through my thoughts at this particular moment.

The twins were the younger sisters of my roomate. They lived with her off and on when she was able to support them. They were 15. I was 17. It was 1991 in October.

My roomate was glad I had made friends with her younger sisters. She had confided that her Grandpa had molested her as a child. She thought he might be molesting her sisters too.She was worried about them. She wanted me to check out their living situation. She thought I would pass as one of the twins friends from school.

The door of the trailer made a flimsy sound as it shut behind me. I had on black polkadot stretchpants and a white tee shirt that showed my stomach. It was getting really cold out and I had a weathered brown leather jacket I had borrowed with me.

I didn't want to be there.

I sat on this gold and orange floral couch in the living room and dialed my boyfriends phone number. The younger of the twins warned me to be quiet and whisper because their Grandpa had gone to bed and his room was less than 10ft away.

I waited at the window in the girls bedroom looking for headlights. I contemplated whether to use the window or the front door.

I wonder, every now and then, if he's dead of alive. Maybe its not even me wondering, its probably the girl who is forever 17, waiting for the headlights.

A Woman's Worth, Alcia Keys

I am getting back to normal. I can feel sanity returning to me. Yay sanity! The familiar calm contented feeling is coming back to me, and I am still smoke-free. Very excellently cool.

I am starting to notice the details of my life once more. The funny situations I find myself in, the way Luke pronounces something..ect...I take this as good news that I am emerging from my bad period and am able to see a little outside myself again. Thank God. How miserable it is to only be able to see your own irritable self.

Anyway, yesterday Tim called from Utah where he is visiting his middle daughter Remy. After speaking to Tim for awhile he passed the phone to Remy. She in hushed tones said she needed to speak to me and ask me something, but could we not tell her Dad. I was imediately afraid she was pregnant and braced myself for the news. Fortunately that wasn't it.

After my assurances she could tell me anything, she paused, and I waited for her to speak.

She says,"Do you think its okay to accept gifts from a guy that you don't like?"

That kind of surprised me. I quickly spanned my experience and gathered up what I remembered. I ask her, "What kind of gifts?" I'm thinking like flowers? or like furs?

She declines to answer. So of course I'm thinking its more along the line of furs. Yeah, thats hard. I ask who the guy is.

She says, "Oh, no one really......he's just 37 and likes to buy me stuff."

Now its my turn to pause. Hmmm. I get the feeling though she's waiting for me to advise.This is when something happens that I can only contribute to God's awesome timing and grace.

I say, "You know, I know how you must feel. Its so nice to get gifts. Especially really cool ones..." She agrees heartly. Then I say, "But the thing is, looking back on my life when I was exactly where you are, I think I would do it differently if I had the choice to go back."

She sounds surprised. "Huh? Why?"

I am not totally clear why yet and stutter when I tell her, "I feel like by accepting gifts from someone you don't care for, you are using them. She agrees...with a," uh hmmm".

As if the words are being whispered in my ear, I say, " ....and when you use someone for your own purpose, somehow, you diminish yourself and them. You are setting a value for yourself that is too low..."

The word diminish rings in my ears and as I say this to her, I think of the times in my life that my behavior diminished the person God had made me to be. I realize God is telling me something at the same time I am speaking this to Remy.

Remy and I talk a little longer about the value you give yourself and others. After we hang up, however, I am left to contemplate our conversation alone.

I wonder how often we consider how valuable we are to God. What would happen to us if we knew how much we were loved? Would we be different?

I think so.

I quit smoking Oct. 12 and.....

On the way to my Dr.s appointment this morning I pulled into the parking garage. The person in the car infront of me was going suuuuuuper slooooow. I got super pissed. I had a thought pass through my mind that I should invest in a handgun. Then I was like, well...no....people in Hawaii...aren't really down with the whole hand gun scene...besides...I already have a taser.....yeah...I guess I already have a taser.

Anyway, I've been experiencing these little mini explosions of temper in my head for a couple days now. Its really weird, because, normally I am pretty chill, not in a hurry, no reason to stress. Just lately though, I've been completly keeee-raaaaa-zeeeeee!

I yelled at Tim to put his d@#%$ vitamens in the cupboard. They are an eyesore on my kitchen counter.....I freak at drivers...ect...ect.

My Doctor says, however, its all OKAY. It will be OKAY. I just gotta wait and not abuse caffine or small animals.

Soon I will be normal. I'll let you all know when.

Its paradise as usual

Earl and I are trying to plan a trip here for Kianna to visit Luke. Those two really are two peas-in-a-pod. Hopefully, we will get it all organized.

Nothing too exciting going on over here, except I am now recieving nasty text messages from some weirdo, who I believe it is a guy from the gym who asked me to join a squash team, after which I found there was no squash team, so I had signed up on this completely bogus form my phone number. Anyway, I don't know how to text so, I am leaving it to Tim to reply to his disgustingly rude text message tonight......there are more freaks in this world than I care to know. I think we have more than our share here in Hawaii. hmmmm.

Other than some nasty text messages, and that I've been grouchy for a few days and no fun to be around, because I got the riot act for not going to the Blue Angel thing, everything seems as usual in paradise.

Tomorrow I see my pyschiatrist.......Ha ha.

sorry. still can't figure how to upload photos. I'll be getting to that soon.

Lion King

The Broadway production for Lion King is here in Hawaii. We got tickets awhile back and went to see it Saturday afternoon with my in-laws, Luke, Tim and my niece Natalie. It was a fantasic show. The kids seemed mesmerized by all the fabulous costumes.
The singing was incredible. The only downside was that it was really loud and super crowded.

After the show, I was completely exhausted. Sometimes if I go too long racing around from thing to thing and event to event and don't get any privacy I experience a mini melt down.

Finally after all these years I can now recognize the pattern.

Anyway, Tim has a hard time understanding my need for complete alone time. He is such a social person by nature, I am too, I just have this little glitch in my system though. Gotta recharge regularly through solitary pursuits. If I don't, It seems like life begins to rush at me from all angles. I get sensory overload, a headache comes on, a slight anxiety feeling like clausterphobia...ect ect. Then I have to go to my room and sleep.

Well, Lion King was only the begining of the weekend. We were still supposed to go to dinner that night with everyone, then early next morning go to my in-laws, where an out-of-town guest was staying as well, and go to see the Blue Angels at the military base. Oh yeah, Luke was out of school for Thursday and Friday, so he and I were together for those 2 days 24-7. So yeah, after Lion King I was so tired. I had to bow out of the rest of the weekend.

I am feeling better after resting Saturday night and Sunday day. So by this morning I am completely recharged and ready to rock.

I wish the world would just understand though and slow down a bit.

Naked squirrels

This morning Luke and I were in the car on our way to run some errands. It was a quiet drive and the radio was playing softly when out of the blue Luke says to me, "Mom? What if I was outside naked fighting a squirrel?"

I said, "What?" Not sure if I heard him correctly.

So he repeats himself. "Moooom, I saaaaid, what if I was outside naked fighting a squirrel? I mean, that would be funny and tough?! Wouldn't it?

I am confused but its starting to register and the mental picture of what he is saying makes me try hard to keep a straight face, because he is completely serious.So I say, "Yeah, that'd be pretty tough to do."

Luke goes," Yeah! and they'd scratch you with their long nails if you were naked!"

I look in the review mirror to see him reveling in the thought of it and say, "Yeah, I guess so," and I think to myself,nothing in my life is boring. Not even a routine drive to the drycleaners. Proudly, I assume he gets this creative thought process from me.

Fruedian Slips are funny!

I joined the gym the other day. Actually I rejoined the gym that Tim goes to that I used to work out at like 7 years ago, when I was 25 and had nothing better to do with my life. Anyway, I found that saying to the membership guy at the gym that I was "re-joining" was a very important thing. He imediately gave me better treatment...and whipped through my paperwork for me! Afterward he profused thanked me and said, "Welcome, baaaack, Mrrrssss. Reeeeed." He had a weird way of drawing out his words.

Anyways, I go into the locker room, which is totally the bomb, steam room, towel service, robes, and tons of Japanese women who have no problem with nudity and I throw my stuff into a locker and head downstairs to work out in my old yucky stretch pants and ripped t-shirt that reads, Hey! Nobodys perfect.

When I get to my favorite place where all the glutieus maximus machines are, there are a couple of ladies on the thigh master machines. So I sit down on the machine near them and get to working out, but I couldn't help but notice though, how underdressed I was. The ladies were probably over 70 and had on Gold lame' workout pants, head bands, matching wristbands, full set nails, and jewelry. They had some European accents or something. Note to self: Get new workout outfit.

Later on I went to the gym's main room. There were more people in there and the machines were all new to me. So I walked over to the courtesy desk to get someone to show me the machines.

This young guy volunteers and afer showing me a couple of machines we walk over to this tricep machine. So I'm working out with it. You stand up straight with your elbows to your sides and then move this bar up infront of you up and down. So the guy, is talking away, you know, making sure the 2lbs I'm lifting isn't too heavy for me, and has a what you would call a freudian slip. As I lift the bar up he goes, "Do you usually have your lips like that? OH, I mean Your WRISTS. uh, yeah, your wrists...I meant your wrists....
Yah right. Heelloo! Anyway. I was kinda embarrassed and just pretended I didn't really hear him. But when I got home I couldn't wait to tell Tim how much I looooved the gym!!!!

Anyway, Tim says he is my new work out partner. He's going to show me the machines next time. Hee heeeeeeee!

The Harvard of all Kindergartens.

I want my kid to go to the Harvard of Kindergartens.

Almost time for the addmissions fair for private schools.
I heard today from a friend that she got up at 2am to stand in line to be sure to get her kids application in within the deadline last year. She said there were tons of parents waiting with lawn chairs and hot coffee for this!

I smiled politely and laughed a little bit, like I was totally not one of those nuts...... but secretly I was thinking, "lady! you don't even KNOW! I am crazy! I'll stay up ALL night to get my kids app in! You don't even KNOW! Sleep depravation means NOTHING to me! I've gone FOR DAYS without sleeping! Don't even mess! Sheeeeet!

Anyway, I'm thinking about all this school stuff and I gotta wonder if I want Luke to go to that school just to obliterate my own lack of formal education. or the memory of it....or

Maybe I just want my son to have the best opportunities.....

or Maybe I just want to sling the name of my kid's school around in conversations to make myself look cool.

Probably the last one.

Pre-School Parents Night

Well, I guess I've hit another life milestone. ahem...my first pre-school parents night.

I was nerve-wracked, but survived and was quite happy with the whole thing. All the parents met in the chapel, and as usual Tim and I were late. The last ones in the door, which happened to be the wrong door. It led to the front stage where the Dean was busy talking...oh well, at least we made it. We tried to nonchalanly get off the stage and find seats in the packed room. This stuff always happens to me.
Anyway, the talk we got was so dang long. I tried hard to pay attention but had had coffee before leaving the house.
"Hi, thanks for coming..blah blah blah........pick my sweater....and the room moms are so and so.....need manicure..blah blah....ect." Seriously, it was long. The bits that I did get were nice though.

The good part was when we got out of chapel and got to go the kid's classrooms to see all their art work. Now, that was cool. So cute! All the parents milled around totally thrilled with the macaroni their kids glued to their paper plates. Personally, I thought they were a bit elementary. I mean come on, can't they make something useful?......um....like jewelry? (Although I must admit that Luke's macaroni plate was totally awesome.....)

Anyway, I regress. So moving on, there were all these sign up sheets for parents to take part in different activities. I forced Tim to sign up for "Talk-about-your-job-day. So in a few months he will take his hard hat to the pre-school class and talk about how to do change orders! Ha ha. Just joking. Anyway, I seriously considered signing up as well and having a talk to the class about fashion. Like how to make your bath towel into an amazing gown, and in so many different ways! I don't know though, I wasn't sure about it so I just signed up to be a clown for the school Halloween party and pass out candy. I think I'll be a good clown.

Jake

Wonderful weekend at my in-laws, Dale and Marie's. I thought to myself. these people are the best thing that came with marrying Tim. I love the Reeds. All of em, even the dang nuts. Because I'm sure some consider me one of the "dang nuts!"

The latest news is about my nephew Jake. He is 12 and is having a terrible time at home in California. (Backstory: child protective services knows Jake's family and has been involved before.) His Dad and step mom were planning to send him to the Grandparents.


When Tim heard of this plan, he was outraged. He promptly called his sister and ex-brother-in-law and said there is no way in hell the Grandparents are capable of raising their 12 year old son.

However Grandpa Reed is heartbroken to hear the troubles that Jake is going through. Jake and Grandpa and Grandma are very close and he calls them frequently. Grandpa really wants to take Jake in. He would have if Tim hadn't stepped in.

So here it is. Tim is protecting his parents life, and its true, the activity a 12 year old wouldl bring with him would probably shorten their lives. But Dale made a comment that really resonated with me and for some reason I haven't been able to get it out of my head. He said, "If I can't even help a great kid that needs helpin', well, what good am I?"

There is something about that comment that has been bothering me so much. I can't put my finger on it.

On one hand, Tim is right, They are too old for someone to pass their kids off on. But why are they the only ones offering? Tim won't let him come to us, and everyone has some great reason why they can't do it. Why? No money. No room. blah blah blah. But I can't help feeling that, once I was just like Jake and what if everyone who helped me said, sorry no room, sorry no time, ect?

I don't know, I wish I knew what to do. Tim says we can't save the world and he is Done Done Done with raising kids.

hmmm. Anyone want a 12 year old boy?

Midnight Express

Midnight Express is not a movie I would readily reccomend to anyone. A friend of Tim's from church loaned it to him. I had never heard of it before and so sat down to watch.

What followed was two sleepless nights and nightmares. Eventually the movie faded to a place in the back of my mind where I was happy for it to stay there.

Next scene. Tim was loaned another book from a different friend at church, and I remember it had to be back to the owner asap. So I figured I'd give it a read. It was highly reccomended to Tim to read before he went to the Thailand prison with the church group. That probably should have warned me.

I finished it last night in a few hours. Its not very long. Its hard to put down even though you want to. The book is called 4000 days. Its the true life story of a Australian man who was imprisoned in Thailand for 11 years.

More nightmares and now complete disturbia.

Actually more seriously, the movie, then the book, put me in a very contemplative state. It really is shocking to come to understand the horrors in this world are real and going on this very minute.

Its a hard thing to get my mind around. I have doubts anyone at all could explain the hideous behavior of human beings.

It makes me wonder what exactly is God seeing when he looks at our planet.

All I know is that I have started praying for people in prison in the US and in other countries.

It's beautiful

Since he found his son, he has slowly been softening before my eyes. It is a beautiful thing and seeing it take place, I feel blessed and I've given it much thought.

The other day Tim wanted to show some of the music he downloaded. He was so excited. He keep naming off all these different singers. Moody Blues, Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, really I wasn't interested. But later on I realized that is a huge change for Tim to go back and talk about the music he used to like. Then I realized he is remembering things and he is opening up, what more is he very rarely used be interested in music....too busy.

He listens to music now. The other night I heard him in the backyard. He was sitting under the leaves with his new ipod singing along to his music. I crooked my head to the side and smiled to myself and wandered back to bed. Let him sing under the stars.

.....and today his son called just to say hi, and called him Dad for the first time. He told me about it excitedly.

It's like watching a scar fade, or a tree with a broken branch show buds.
Something like that. Whatever it is, its beautiful.

I saw the future.

I was at Longs drugstore yesterday picking up presriptions with Luke. We had a long line. Luckily there are a few seats to wait in. . Fortunately for all of us bored adults Luke entertained us by louding doing the "robot" dance. He was pretty good actually....he sang along with arm motions, "I-am-a-robot!" Over and over and over. yeah. So eventually he tired of that and sat down.
I was sitting next to him reading the back of package of ear wax remover and I noticed the woman who standing in line near us kinda staring. I followed her gaze and it landed right on Luke just about to wipe a booger on the chair he was sitting in. Of course I quickly pretended to be horrified and gave a lecture on the sanitary desposal of boogers. The lady looked satisfied and gave me a tight lipped smile. Then I whispered to Luke she was a weirdo.

Around this time the line started to move and now in front of us was a mother with her pimply teenage son. The mother had the strangest look on her face and when I looked at her son, that overgrown puppy, he was waving a package of Trojans at her. His mother and I briefly exchanged eye contact and then she wistfully looked at Luke then back at me. Her look told me she wished her son was still doing the "robot" instead of waving condoms around trying to embarrass her.

Oh the joys to come raising a son...

Kindergarten Interviews coming up.

Luke is currently enrolled in pre-4, we switched him to a fantastic school from the one he attended last year.

His last school was very traditonal. Class time, large undirected group play, ect. Luke did not do well at all. He would kick and scream most mornings in order not to go to school. At recess he would act up and then go put himself in 'time-out' several times during free play. When the school called me to describe this behavior I was heartbroken and wondered what he was learning there. Obviously not conflict-resolution!

The new school we've choosen is extremely creative. The children play in groups of three and switch to different play tasks on a circuit.This is done so the child gains strong social skills. Each task is specifically designed to be creative and engaging to the child. They water plants, wash toys, play dress up with costumes, ect. They do not sit at desks. They don't even have desks! The class room has all these little areas for different kinds of play. They have very frequent excursions. Today the class is going to walk to Barnes and Noble for a story and project. Last week they went to the Kahala Mandrin for the dolphin experience. The school does not emphasize acedemics in the traditional sense. Its all done through play.

I can't tell you the joy and relief I feel in that my son wakes up excited to go to this school. He is jumping up and down to get there. A complete turn around from last year. Now without prompting he is experiementing with letters and numbers.

Last year frightened me and really woke me up to paying attention to the Luke's specific learning style. Tim and I are open to the possibilities of all the different styles that people learn and are attentive to the idea that the traditional school systems leave some kids by the wayside for one reason or another.

It's time to interview for applications to Kindergarten, we weren't going to go private for grade school because our district has the only good grade school on the Island, but the more we thought about it, realized that its difficult to get your kid in at that awkward pre-teen phase when they usually interview after 6th grade. It'd be much easier it is if your child already attends.

So we begin the search for Luke's school. Tim says Iolani, I say Waldorf or Punahou. We will see what Luke says. He will get the final call!

I know for most people sending their kid to kindergarten is an exciting thing, but for me I am just beside myself with joy. Knowing that my son has a better chance of avoiding the problems that I had is a relief that I cannot describe. In a strange way I feel he is escaping. But what exactly I cannot pin point. I just feel this is true...and I am so grateful.


May our children grow into all that God has planned for them.

Finally started the book

I dont' think I'm a great writer compared to most. But I do think I have a great story and unique perspective. So I have finally gotten up the courage to start writing about Annie. Each day I write for about an hour. I try to relax and remember not just all the twists and turns of the search process but about how I felt while doing it. That is a bit uncomfortable. But I think thats what makes a story compelling is the human side to it. Thats what people understand.
So I'm thinking of buying Pages iwork today to make this process easier. Thank God for spell check!

Dad, if you have anything you remember about this subject give me an email.

no pics

Dangit.

better later than never

So I am finally posting the darling pictures from Luke and my vacation to WA. Or one picture at least if I can figure it out.

Here is Luke presenting Kianna with a flower.

Tim's son Tim Jr.

I am happy to report there is nothing new going on here... except that Tim got in touch finally, after 39 years with his long lost son. To make a long story long, here is the gist of it.

It is 1967, Tim has girlfriend in highschool. She gets pregnant. She has a baby boy. Tim sees his son at the hospital and for a couple of visits in his first few months. Then Tim signs a document releasing the baby to be adopted. Tim and Lori(the mother)broke up before the baby was born for reasons I'm sworn to keep secret under threat of divorce. The girl had a boyfriend who wanted to marry her. So the future husband would be able to adopt the baby.
The baby was named Timothy Brian. We never knew his last name because Lori was married.
Obviously though, we found out his last name while searching online and bingo...reunion will be at Christmas.

New family photos including Tim Jr. to follow soon.

Oh, by the way, his last name is Reed! The son that is.