Boring is, as Boring Does!

I finally bit the bullet. After hearing some great lectures on the effects of media on children and the incident at school where Luke was acting out some violent scene from a tv show.....I turned off the tube completely. Well for Luke, that is.

Lucas is visibly less aggressive. He is much more calmer but the best part is, he is so much more fun and creative!

The new pictures are of Luke flying a kite he made. Another picture is of him in his bed with some of my old cans that we made into a awesome rocking drum set. We love love love it! Especially me. No so much Tim. (I'd always wished I was a drummer in a rock band.....) Anyway, I picked up an old beat up surf board at a garage sale for 5 bucks! I told him he could decorate it, besides that I grabbed a book at the sale too. The title: 365 things to for kids besides watch tv. So, I know I'm on the right track! You know the little signs God gives and such...

So check out the new photos and the link of a very uninhibited Lukie doing his hip hop rap dancing!

So, now I have to go help my son find something to do besides tv....as he is driving me nuts.

I Throw Crackers When I'm Angry

It has been a long time since I've blogged, but I have an awesome reason/excuse.
Okay, here goes...in a nut shell.
February 7 I quit smoking. Yay alright! After 100's of failed attempts over the last 10 or so years, I randomly came across a show on smoking...okay..it was Oprah. But anyway it was a show on smoking cessation and it had some excellent information. Number one, I learned that there were different kinds of smoking addictions. Yah okay, I thought fine. I already know...I'm the 'hardcore' kind. For some reason I kept watching. They had been interviewing 3 women who had quit and showed how they were doing. For some reason that was really helpful. Near the end they gave a website to take a test to determine what kind of smoker you are. Fast forward I took the test. I was actually surprised to find out the result. Yah, I knew I'd rate the hardcore smoker but didn't know what all that entailed. So here are my dirty issue on a plate for all of blog world. Basically it said my kind of smoker smokes to possible medicate another problem. They smoke chain smoke...ect ect. The most alarming part was that the percentage of people in this category had a next to zero chance of ever quitting. Luckily for me, that made me mad and being the opositional type that my husband says I am, It actually motivated me! So I carefully read the quit plan, and this time I followed. I made an appointment with my beloved head shrinker. I told him what I heard about from Oppie. He surprisingly agreed. After I told him my experiences of trying to quit previously. I go REAL crazy. So he readjusted my medication I already take to just a bit higher. I was supposed to set my quit date a week into taking the new dosage. I was so gung-ho I quit a day early. Possibly before the new med took effect. I should have followed directions. That very evening as I was walking past Tim who was in the computer room I completely lost my mind! He said something to me with a tone of voice I usually ignore, but this time, I didn't keep walking. I backed up to the door of the room. I was eating crackers. 5 crackers to be exact, and I said slowly and softly, enunciating every word.."What did you say?". As he started to repeat with irritation about how he was hungry or something like that, I literally heard a snap inside my head. First I threw the 1 cracker as hard as I possibly could at him, hurting my arm. Then feeling that was not effective, crunched up the last four into tiny tiny pieces and threw them on his head and computer. Yelling all the while about how I work hard and such and such. He just looked at me. He didn't say a word. Later on down the road, I apologized and admitted that I had just quit smoking. He said then that it all made sense.
So the reason I haven't blogged is that my new medication makes me sssssoooooo chilled out, I am too lazy. No just kidding. I think it just numbs my creative drive some. I still think a lot about things I'd like to write about or do, I just haven't.
I'm getting better now. I haven't thrown any crackers since then.

All we need....and more.

A few days ago Luke asked me to go to the chapel service with him at his preschool. They have chapel every Thursday and the kids have a short service with the pastor. They sing, have a story from the bible and pray. I wasn't aware that parents also were welcome to attend.
So this morning I stayed for the morning chapel and it was one of those gifts that God gives of extreme beauty. So simple and so beautiful. The children sang with full hearts and they held nothing back. Their faces just radiated joy which then spread to everyone else in the chapel.
It's amazing to me how such a simple thing could be so intricate in design and meaning. The wonder and innocence of the children were contagious and I left the service with many things to consider and ponder.
The first thing I thought as I walked to my car is that God must hear my quietest thoughts and deepest questions even when I don't even mean him to, because yesterday, as I ran my errands and kept up my mindless busy pace I secretly wondered if there is more to life. I didn't wonder this in an ungrateful way but more in a curious way. When you have all you want and you need no more things then what do you do? How does life change when the struggle to survive disappears? The thought was so quiet and buried underneath my mental 'to do' lists that I quickly forgot about it.
Then this morning at chapel God reminded me about the question that had been whispering to me the day before. He seemed to be pointing to the children and in many different ways say that, what they are, how they are, that is exactly what He wants from me and everyone else too.
So this morning before I resume the rest of my day I am thinking about exactly what I saw in those children. I remember their shining faces smiling as they sang. Full of life and animation. Full hearts. Spontaneous joy. Completely in the moment of praise.
They seem to naturally know what was important. As I compare myself to them, I doubt they were worried about getting gas for the car or being late for an appointment. Nope they had all they needed right then and there....and I got to be there, and I felt I had all I needed and more too.

This song is for my Sweetheart, Tim. Happy Valentines!

Hey mf's...I'm Breathin' Freeeeeeeeeeee!

I haven't done anything with my life today. I'm a complete loser. Well, I did make the bed and pick up the house somewhat but thats because if I don't then I feel super uncomfortable, like itchy. Anyway, I am 'breathing free' that means I quit smoking but Oprah says not to say 'quit', you say, 'I'm f---ing breathing free'. Yah okay.

So the good news is I have been 'breathing free' since the 7th. Hoorah! The bad thing is, is that I had to go to my head shrinker doctor to readjust my medicine. I suggested to him to just cut to the chase and give me Vicodin. I don't know why we just mess around with other stuff. He didn't really see it that way though. So instead he ups my dosage of my anti-anxiety pill x3, and I really gotta tell you, its working. I am 'breathing free', I am also drooling, but no matter. I won't have cancer. Speaking of which, that is a new worry on my mind. I've had a bit of a sore back this morning, I was sure my spine was riddled with cancer but then again its probably because I slept till 11. Whatever. I am 'breathing free' okay? So I will sleep alot and its OKAY. Ha.
Now, I am going to go and accomplish something. What that will be I have no idea. Maybe organize my son's legos or repackage the dry cereal into tupperware. Hmmmmm....the choices are many...

The Dance Battle

Last night I took my 4 year old son, Luke and his 11 year old cousin to see Chris Brown in concert. It was quite the experience.
Now its not what your thinking. Chris Brown is not the typical rapper you'd think of right off. This guy is very cool and considered to be the best dancer currently for hip hop in the world. The concert totally rocked....from a kids point of view, that is.....no really..I actually loved it too. Besides Chris Brown joined this 'club' where the music artists pledge to use clean langauge. No nasty lyrics, no bitches, no ho's, and the like. Anyway, I felt his show was child friendly enough to bring my young ones to and apparantly so did many other parents. I was one of many out of place parents standing next to pre-teen kids going CRAZY. Yes it was quite the experience. I think it was great. Luke was completely mesmerized by the dancing and special effects.

My thinking on this is that I'd like to expose Luke to as much diverse talent as possible, kind of to show him what is possible in the world, to give him things to dream about and strive towards.
I know as a child my family lived in a smaller community and I wasn't exposed much to any kinds of talent unless it was highschool sports or singing in church. My artistic dreams never matured to personal possibility simply because I never met anyone who spoke the language of creative arts until I was much much older. If Luke has any of my leanings Tim and I are ready! We both noticed its highly likely from what Luke has shown so far!
He loves to perform and is very physical. For instance, this morning Luke and I did 'battle.'( I may be able to load the video later....) You ask, what is battle? Okay, its a dance off. His middle sister Remy made him a cd of his favorite rap songs. So I put it on and we take turns trying to out do each other breakdancing, popping, roboting, and other awesome dance moves. Its so fun, his sister Kenna, joined in and Tim too. Everyone doing the 'pop lock and drop' and 'getting low' and what not. Way fun. Luke's oldest sister Mariko was there too but she is a bit more 'Japanese' then her sister Kenna and too dignified to do the robot but she did get some good laughs though! Hopefully I can share the video because as you will see, Luke takes himself very seriously with his hip hop!
I guess the way I see is, that even if Luke does not end up mastering any particular art, the point is to understand the necessity of being able to express yourself from your heart joyously and spontaneously. In the world we live in its too often we do what we think we 'should' and end up forgetting the importance of child-like joy. There is so much regurgitated knowlegde and rules we need to learn to survive and while that is good....I just want to stress the other side. The side of honoring your dreams and living from the heart.
So I'm curious. What are your dreams? The thing you always wished you could do? The thing that when you're driving in the car you imagine yourself doing. You are flamenco dancing? Bravo. Go do it. You are a poet? Fabulous. Go make some poems. Who cares if they're crappy. I dance tahitian. I am terrible. But so what. There are enough experts in the world.
I you have the time I'd love to know....please comment and tell me what you would secretly love to do.

Super bored.

OKay, I'm a bit bored tonight and I happen to be a wicked list maker. Everyday you know, I make a list. Sometimes they're weird, but I swear they help me.

List of stuff I like.

• Roberto Cavalli dresses
• Leonard de Paris clothes
  

1. Thrift stores
2. piano
3. 3' heels
4. suede
5. awesome leather handbags
   
6. reading
   
7. cooking by the seat of my pants. (meaning; making it up as you go)
8. painting
9. shock value
10. taking photos of random stuff
11. Fresh flowers
12. silence
13. pedicures

By the Grace of God, there go I.

I finally figured out how to choose my own music for this site. It was so easy its embarrassing-oh well.
Let me introduce my current favorite musician: Marc Cohen.

I love his arrangements the guitar, piano, and lyrics are simple, true, and beautifully put. I think this particular song speaks well for me, and if it really is a great song, it will speak to a place in everyone.

I added a few more links to sites I liked. Geek-Betty is someone I accidentally came across, kinda bumped into her blog out in cyberspace. I'm very glad I did. I find reading it a strange experience, as if she is living the life I tried so hard to get away from. But somehow, when reading her blog, we seem the same. All our life trappings that supposedly tell us who we are: our zip code, our education, our cars, ect. ect. that were supposed to separate us...they really don't. Anyway, her life shows me that our wealth is on the inside.

and sometimes I'm proud, and sometimes I'm unsure if I should be ashamed of how hard I tried to climb up up up and out. And I have to think about it to remember, so I know, I wasn't climbing up for status but for freedom. Freedom from ignorance, hatred, bitterness, blame.
So I did climb. Yeah, so I'm a climber. I know it's been said about me. But I think you would have too if you were me. Who wants to live a life saturated with drugs, lies, and fear? It was poverty on every level and when I decided I wanted out, I stopped at nothing to get away from all of it. I can't seem to be sorry for that.

but sometimes I feel guilty about my life. I know I don't have everything in the world but it sure is more than most. I thought about this after posting the pictures of my new bedspread. As if thats the most important thing in the world or something. I don't know. I'm just glad I have a bed with sheets and the fact that they match...well thats the frosting. I'll not mention the thread count..ah hem...but seriously, I guess I felt weird for celebrating so openly my new stuff without qualifying how they came to be, and now I will qualify them.
"By the grace of God, there go I.."

I'm a real grown-up.

Okay, here is the new bed spread, I still need a few more pieces, but hey, Its an improvement.


Next photo proves that I am a full fledged grown-up. I now am the proud owner of stemware. YAH!

Last photo is the flowers I bought this week, they're kinda dying but I'm still hanging on to them.

She was bored!

My bff, Heidi, has met a dream guy and they are about to run off into the sunset. ah hem... Yah. No they really are. I am so happy for her. She is one of the most industrious women I know. Single mom, Business owner, and she's kept her hair gorgeous platinum blond through it all. She is my most fabulous friend. Loyal, loving, whimsical, and completely unique.

It seems like her life is changing as her new man pampers her to death. She called me and left this message, "Um....yah, Cathy, I was wondering...uh, What DO you Do all day, yah, call me back."

Now normally if someone asks me that, them are fighten words! Cause hey! I do important shit. Don't make me get into it.
But when Heidi left that message I totally had to laugh. She used to work too much, as far as I was concerned. It seems like she is getting a well deserved break. I called her back.

"Hey, I got your message....girl, you don't even know!"

Her, "Really? Well what do you do, because I'm kind of bored."

Me, "Okay, remember my bedspread? It was so gross. Anyway, Tim has hated it for so long. I got an awesome new set up. Its totally right out of a magazine. So hotel. But see, it wasn't easy, I bargained shopped, thats the thing see... I went to costco and bought a down comfortor, then Ross for this gorgeous duvet....I'm not even near finished...but you know.."

Her, "hmmmm, yeah.....decorate....that is so perf." (Perf: Perfect.)
Me, "For real, its totally fun. Oh, also, your kid, they will keep you busy, sign em up for all kinds of activities. You know you'll be carpooling for hours. Piano, gymnastics, japanese....yoga...and whatnot."

Her, "Yeah, Savannah is starting ballet, and we'll be moving soon and that will keep us seriously busy. I guess I was just bored for a bit today. Besides I gotta a million apps from nannys to read."

Me, "Oh, well, if you get bored again, call me. I'll tell you about my new magic bullet blender. Its the bomb. Anyway, I'm going back to bed, I have a blader infection."

Her, "ew. kay, bye."

I can not believe we are having this conversation........as we met 11 years ago in a night club we both go- goed at, our lockers were next to each others...and now we're moms and functioning members of society discussing house-wife stuff.......thank God.

Vocabulary Lesson for Tim

A couple days ago my truck was broken into. Not really 'broken into' persay because it wasn't locked in the first place. The only thing stolen that mattered was my phone. I replaced it yesterday and have the same phone number, however, the SIM card memory couldn't be replaced which means I have no ones phone numbers. If you all could be so kind and call me with your number I will start the reprogramming of my phone.

Yesterday Tim was going to take out his one man canoe. He had Luke helping him get it down from the racks. Tim said to him, "Be careful it's delicate."
Luke replies, " I know."
Tim looks at him and goes, "Do you know what 'delicate' means?"
Luke bored says, "Yes, it means fragile."
Tim now curious asks, "Do you know what fragile means?"
Luke says, "Yah Dad, it means something can be easily broken."

Tim came inside later to tell me the story how Luke patiently answered all of his questions, he was a bit surprised by his vocab. I just figured Luke thought Tim needed to know the definition. Its so nice of him to put up with his parents questions.

Om.

Lately I've been reading about meditation. I have been very interested in the suggestion of a quiet time of listening. The thought of stopping my mind for while has sounded good to me. However, it also made me very nervous. I have tried to slow my mind in the past and meditate and it did't turn out at all.

I have always had too many thoughts. It has taken me so many years to learn which ones to express. This is no joke as being finally diagnosed with some minor mental quirks. My doctor explained it well. He said that my mind is like a radio playing 5 to 10 channels...AT ONCE. I could identify with that imediately. It was the first time someone seemed to understand what its like in my head! Anyway, it is not always that loud in there and I can focus, it just may be a bit more difficult at times. Since then I've learned many different ways to cope with the incessant thinking and can report I have had great results.

Now that I think I have a good control on my internal radio stations I decided to try to meditate this afternoon. I sat down on a pillow and got geared up to start mediating. I was like, 'YAH! I'm DOING it! Cool.' But after a few minutes the chatter did slow and I found a really effective image to focus on.

I imagined I was floating in water. The further away my thoughts got, the lower I would sink under the surface. I could look up and see the light above the water which was my external world with all its noise and chaos. I continued to sink a bit lower so the light was further and further away. On the way down I imagined my cares, concerns, and static to float up and away to the surface, like bubbles. I noticed that after the most noticeable ones floated away I was left with this one thought that I seemed to have an abundance of. The last thoughts to float up all had one word in common. When I noticed the word I was surprised. The word was, "Want". For instance, it sounded like this, I want to scratch my nose, I want a drink of water, I want a blanket, I want to change my legs, I want....' You get the point.

At a certain point though, the wants got quieter so as I didn't notice them as much. When my leg fell asleep I thought whoa, I am way not yogi enough for that! So I opened my eyes and looked at my watch. I had no idea how long I'd been there.

I got 21 minutes. Somehow I don't think I'm supposed to be this proud of it, but I am. Yay me.

Being a parent or step-parent asks me to be more than I am. Lately I've noticed that. I wish to teach gentleness, humility, grace, and forgiveness, among many other things. However here is the catch, I'm supposed to possess these things first! Thinking on this yesterday, I had to go to God for an emergency fronted supply. Luckily for me, He always has it. Never runs out.

This weeks family drama has been excessively tiresome and painful. However with age comes perspective. Actually, I correct that, with age and praying desperately with your face on the floor comes perspective.

It went kind of like this: ME: "God, I am being treated unfairly and am enraged beyond measure, and oh yeah, no one understands me and why am I sooooo different? I live with a bunch of jerks and I'm supposed to be this mature bullet-proof mother and wife and...blah...blah..blah. Anyway, what do I do? Just tell me..just tellmewhattodo...!!

GOD: "Cathy, relax, you're okay. Besides think of those people in Kenya getting killed with machettes. Now what was your problem? Oh yeah, that. Okay, just remember, the actions of other people cannot define you. Only your actions do that, and yes, I do see you are a little short in the patience department, grace department, and...well, like I said, relax. I'm on it."

Since this prayer alot has changed. First of all I learned that in moments of doubt or extreme emotion of any kind, it can be best to do and say nothing. Just relax. Wait. So thats what I've done. I called time on the game of emotional family drama, and I must say, it feels foreign for me, so against my overly reactive nature that has taxed me most of my life, to be the one to say, "HEYEVERYBODY STOP! TIME. f---ing. OUT.!" I normally am the one to relentlessly chase phantom solutions in a crazed state. (FYI, it never worked.)

I guess I've come to the thought that, gee, I just don't know all the anwers all the time, and am embarrassed to say, this little tidbit surprised me much more than it should have. However, that knowledge lets me breathe and just writing it, I let out an huge exhale and rememeber, God knows whats going on, He's got my back. He's 'handlin' it'. All the tension dissapears from my neck and my shoulders drop down from where they were hiked up by my ears and in the middle of my chest a spark of sunny warmth that lets me know this storm is almost over.

We'll count casualties later.

At times of struggle and sadness I tend to do the ostrich thing. So that during difficulty I can continue to function with the daily business of living. So on the surface if I was asked why I look tired or angry, or some other unseemly emotion, I can answer with bewilderment? What me? I am fine. You know, fine. But the truth inside me leaks. Sometimes to my dismay and
sometimes it takes me awhile to gather all the leaking clues of lethargy, vodka, and excessive daydreaming about what it'd be like if I was blind, to notice something might not be 'right'.

Luckily for me I have what I think is a special perk from God that has helps me in my life. I have always been a prolific dreamer. When I cannot look at something head on, it will first come at me sideways in the shape of a vivid, colorful, emotional big screen dream. Dreams that draw on all my senses of smell, taste, touch, besides just the sight and sound. Last night's dream was no different it was really an award winner!

In the dream I was wading through the ocean with an unseen friend, a woman whom I loved, but could not see her face, As we waded a fair distance from the shore she would reassure me we were not far from where we were going. As we neared shore I started having stomach pains and doubled over. I sank beneath the water and to my shock when I came up I was holding a newborn baby. He was perfect and I was happily surprised. Someone handed me a piece of paper that had his name on it. I read it and not finding any liking or connection to it, (the name was Eric) decided to name him David, like the David from David and Goliath and like my brother.

When I woke up, the first thought I had was 'Hey, I don't want more children!" But after the initial alarm wore off and I realized my dream was not some longing for another baby.....I snuggled back down under my new feather comforter and rolled the dream around in my thoughts considering all the beautiful little details that safely seemed right out of a movie.

No more Discovery Channel. Period.

My son asks profound questions. I was watching CSI and trying to relax and he goes, "Mom, how do the pictures get in the t.v.?" I sigh, and hope his Dad comes home soon because he loves to seriously answer these questions with him.
I say, " I don't know."
So he asks again, "Moooom, but hooooow do they get in there?"
I am so tired and I mumble threatenly,"Hey, you know its magic dammit now don't bother me. Dang."
I'm not letting him watch Discovery anymore.

More meds.

I had another dream. I was getting in the car with Tim and all the kids. My step-daughter was in the front seat. I then kicked her ass. Totally weird.

My son can play the piano...with his head.

We were at a New Year's Eve party with a bunch of super socially acceptable people and one of these s.s.a's comes sloshing up to me and Luke after seeing him dancing and says to, me kinda hunched over, "oooohhheeey, now that kidsssssgonnabeeeeeesumbudy!" I instinctively grabbed my son to my side and hissed, "NO, no he's not."

We were in at the hot tub at our hotel this last weekend and I was talking about how Lukey is in piano. I was real excited about it. I was just about to brag about how great his ear is and joke how he loves to play the piano....with his nose...and its soooo funny blah blah blah. Well, this stately older man who was in the hot tub too was listening and turns to us and says he was a piano teacher. We all turned to him interested and he goes on to tell us how his daughter is a Juliard graduate and was a child prodigy on magazine covers and a show called "Who in the World?" and how at 6 years old she was playing concerts....with an orchestra!!! ........... I was so glad I didn't brag about Luke playing the piano with his head. Phew!

The other day, I heard about a school that really interested me. Its called Assets. Its for kids who are gifted or dyslexic or both. So I called Tim to tell him that I was looking into it and he says to me, "Well, what makes you think Luke is gifted?" I was silent. I never thought about THAT. So I considered his question for the rest of the day.

When he got home I told him my answer. 1)First of all, everyone is gifted. See 1Cor.12:4. ALL people are born with certain gifts.....my job is to understand this and help my son find his.
2) I read a study done on a class room of children. The teacher was given fake test scores at the begining of the year. The fake scores were divided in two groups. One group they called "gifted". One group they called average. At the end of the year the children whom the teacher believed to be gifted had lived up to their label and had the new test scores to prove it. The other group similarly lived up to the teachers expectations and had average scores. I will try to find the actual study and post the link for it. So therefore reason number two is: We are who we believe we are. Go see Forest Gump.
3) Thirdly, I think this world uses the term gifted incorrectly. You are "gifted" if you happen to learn the way the majority of people learn and excel at it. Then you are recognized by the system as special. Maybe so, maybe not. Read the Davinci Method.
4)Back to the first reason.

The List

My husband likes to get me very nice gifts. So this Christmas early in December, I started making my private Christmas list. I knew that what I would choose I most likely recieve so I spent quite a bit of thought on it. Near the top was a Hermes enamel bracelet, something interesting, valuable, and collectible. Then I thought of the different gems and stones and how I might want a piece of jewelry. My mind kept going around searching for that one thing I would really want. I considered each item and held it in my minds eye and looked at it from every angle. I imagined what it'd be like to own each thing and what I would do with it. I could see myself admire the thing and then walk to my jewelry box and put it inside. Slowly every item on my list dissapeared as I found that I really did not want any of them very much after all.
It would seem I would have trancended some spiritual mountain, but actually I felt a bit empty and dull.

Since then, I have felt like I am waiting. I have lost my crazy energetic drive and now have started questioning everything I do searching for motives. I have thought of possessions, incomes, the vacations, and have come up empty. These things suddenly are not enough to invest my full attention to anymore. I started to search for ideas of what would warrant me to break loose my energy. A few nights later I had a dream.

I was in a high-rise penthouse. I could hear the clinking of glasses and the light laughter and conversations of the people there. I was engaged in some mindless talk with someone when I saw a flash of fire in the reflection in the window. Still holding my glass I ran to the window and as the other guests crowded behind me we watched a building across town come crumbling down. As everyone stared out the window in shocked silence two more buildings came down. I thought, this is it, and set my drink down.

The next part of the dream I entered our old home. It was destroyed, glass shards, twisted steel were everywhere, the dust barely settled. There was no one there. I led Luke by the hand up the stairs. I walked over to a table where something shiny caught my eye. It was my jewelry. I gingerly picked up a beautiful necklace and put it down. Then I picked up a pair of Chanel earring that were my step-daughter's. I'd always been jealous of those earring. I realized they were mine now if I wanted them. I stood there gently fingering the double cc. I thought of the city torn apart the and destruction and realized they no longer have value. They have no context in this world. No one will ever care again about that logo. It means nothing now. I tipped my palm and let the earring slip back down to the table. Silently I took Luke's hand and turned and left that place.

Since I've had the dream I've turned it over and over in my mind, realizing it contains many questions and answers.

Last night lying in bed after turning the light out, I turned to my husband and told him I was waiting for something. Something I couldn't put my finger on....I told him of my apathy and wondered if I was too young for that mid-life thing. He laughed, but he understood.

He is going to join another mission in the summer. He asked me if I'd like to go to Africa with him.

The Doctor is- IN

My husband grew up in a family of 11 kids. He tells me of getting lost in the sea of kids or fighting his way through it. There was not alot of individual attention. More like group attention.

Thus, my pychoanalysis is: this is why he is a people person and loves constant interaction. Doesn't like to be alone. He is pesky.

I however had a small family with more attention than I wanted. Every move was watched. My mom regulated teeth brushing, dressing, and vitamins. Dad regulated the behavior and refereed conflict. If you were not around the parents would probably notice and an alarm would sound.

Thus, my pychoanalysis is: this is why I need solitude. I actually need to be alone regularly to maintain my balance. I can sometimes be anti-social.

(feel free to post questions to The Doctor) All answers will be 5$, payable by paypal.

Christmas Debriefing

Amazing. We are there. We're through. Guests gone home. Presents unwrapped. Parties attended. China washed and put away. I have today by myself to just breathe. Everyone had something to do, Luke is swimming with the neighbors, so I get to sit on my back porch smoking ciggies and wonder why we do all these things. The glitter, the gifts... and it reminds me of one of this one Christmas.

I was in Hawaii, my early 20s, aimless, broke. I had a boyfriend and we lived in a cramped studio apartment. We couldn't afford much. On Christmas we walked through Waikiki holding hands on our way to the beach. I remember us watching the families on vacation through the windows of these fancy restraunts as we passed by. We smiled at each other and at nothing. We got to the beach and smoothed out our towels. It was nice and warm with a cool breeze. We talked lightly of what we would give each other if we had any money and laughed. But when I looked at him, I knew I had more than anyone else in the world. I will never forget that physical sensation of my heart filling. I thought to myself this was the best Christmas I'd ever had. We gave each other nothing, but at the same time, everything.

Even though I am a mother and married I think we all have stories and some help us become who we are. I know mine do.

Which takes me back to the question why do we do these things? For me I realize that some of my actions I do for others.I decorate and go to parties. I go to more parties than I have the energy for then my smile becomes brittle, my laugh rough instead of joyful and I end up empty and angry.

Next year I will attend less parties and buy less presents. I will take the season slower. Maybe I will please fewer people. So the moments when I find myself silently marveling at the actual gift of Christmas and trying to get my head and heart around its full meaning with all of its connotations, are less rare.

Its probably just as simple as less parties.