Christmas Debriefing

Amazing. We are there. We're through. Guests gone home. Presents unwrapped. Parties attended. China washed and put away. I have today by myself to just breathe. Everyone had something to do, Luke is swimming with the neighbors, so I get to sit on my back porch smoking ciggies and wonder why we do all these things. The glitter, the gifts... and it reminds me of one of this one Christmas.

I was in Hawaii, my early 20s, aimless, broke. I had a boyfriend and we lived in a cramped studio apartment. We couldn't afford much. On Christmas we walked through Waikiki holding hands on our way to the beach. I remember us watching the families on vacation through the windows of these fancy restraunts as we passed by. We smiled at each other and at nothing. We got to the beach and smoothed out our towels. It was nice and warm with a cool breeze. We talked lightly of what we would give each other if we had any money and laughed. But when I looked at him, I knew I had more than anyone else in the world. I will never forget that physical sensation of my heart filling. I thought to myself this was the best Christmas I'd ever had. We gave each other nothing, but at the same time, everything.

Even though I am a mother and married I think we all have stories and some help us become who we are. I know mine do.

Which takes me back to the question why do we do these things? For me I realize that some of my actions I do for others.I decorate and go to parties. I go to more parties than I have the energy for then my smile becomes brittle, my laugh rough instead of joyful and I end up empty and angry.

Next year I will attend less parties and buy less presents. I will take the season slower. Maybe I will please fewer people. So the moments when I find myself silently marveling at the actual gift of Christmas and trying to get my head and heart around its full meaning with all of its connotations, are less rare.

Its probably just as simple as less parties.