By the Grace of God, there go I.

I finally figured out how to choose my own music for this site. It was so easy its embarrassing-oh well.
Let me introduce my current favorite musician: Marc Cohen.

I love his arrangements the guitar, piano, and lyrics are simple, true, and beautifully put. I think this particular song speaks well for me, and if it really is a great song, it will speak to a place in everyone.

I added a few more links to sites I liked. Geek-Betty is someone I accidentally came across, kinda bumped into her blog out in cyberspace. I'm very glad I did. I find reading it a strange experience, as if she is living the life I tried so hard to get away from. But somehow, when reading her blog, we seem the same. All our life trappings that supposedly tell us who we are: our zip code, our education, our cars, ect. ect. that were supposed to separate us...they really don't. Anyway, her life shows me that our wealth is on the inside.

and sometimes I'm proud, and sometimes I'm unsure if I should be ashamed of how hard I tried to climb up up up and out. And I have to think about it to remember, so I know, I wasn't climbing up for status but for freedom. Freedom from ignorance, hatred, bitterness, blame.
So I did climb. Yeah, so I'm a climber. I know it's been said about me. But I think you would have too if you were me. Who wants to live a life saturated with drugs, lies, and fear? It was poverty on every level and when I decided I wanted out, I stopped at nothing to get away from all of it. I can't seem to be sorry for that.

but sometimes I feel guilty about my life. I know I don't have everything in the world but it sure is more than most. I thought about this after posting the pictures of my new bedspread. As if thats the most important thing in the world or something. I don't know. I'm just glad I have a bed with sheets and the fact that they match...well thats the frosting. I'll not mention the thread count..ah hem...but seriously, I guess I felt weird for celebrating so openly my new stuff without qualifying how they came to be, and now I will qualify them.
"By the grace of God, there go I.."

I'm a real grown-up.

Okay, here is the new bed spread, I still need a few more pieces, but hey, Its an improvement.


Next photo proves that I am a full fledged grown-up. I now am the proud owner of stemware. YAH!

Last photo is the flowers I bought this week, they're kinda dying but I'm still hanging on to them.

She was bored!

My bff, Heidi, has met a dream guy and they are about to run off into the sunset. ah hem... Yah. No they really are. I am so happy for her. She is one of the most industrious women I know. Single mom, Business owner, and she's kept her hair gorgeous platinum blond through it all. She is my most fabulous friend. Loyal, loving, whimsical, and completely unique.

It seems like her life is changing as her new man pampers her to death. She called me and left this message, "Um....yah, Cathy, I was wondering...uh, What DO you Do all day, yah, call me back."

Now normally if someone asks me that, them are fighten words! Cause hey! I do important shit. Don't make me get into it.
But when Heidi left that message I totally had to laugh. She used to work too much, as far as I was concerned. It seems like she is getting a well deserved break. I called her back.

"Hey, I got your message....girl, you don't even know!"

Her, "Really? Well what do you do, because I'm kind of bored."

Me, "Okay, remember my bedspread? It was so gross. Anyway, Tim has hated it for so long. I got an awesome new set up. Its totally right out of a magazine. So hotel. But see, it wasn't easy, I bargained shopped, thats the thing see... I went to costco and bought a down comfortor, then Ross for this gorgeous duvet....I'm not even near finished...but you know.."

Her, "hmmmm, yeah.....decorate....that is so perf." (Perf: Perfect.)
Me, "For real, its totally fun. Oh, also, your kid, they will keep you busy, sign em up for all kinds of activities. You know you'll be carpooling for hours. Piano, gymnastics, japanese....yoga...and whatnot."

Her, "Yeah, Savannah is starting ballet, and we'll be moving soon and that will keep us seriously busy. I guess I was just bored for a bit today. Besides I gotta a million apps from nannys to read."

Me, "Oh, well, if you get bored again, call me. I'll tell you about my new magic bullet blender. Its the bomb. Anyway, I'm going back to bed, I have a blader infection."

Her, "ew. kay, bye."

I can not believe we are having this conversation........as we met 11 years ago in a night club we both go- goed at, our lockers were next to each others...and now we're moms and functioning members of society discussing house-wife stuff.......thank God.

Vocabulary Lesson for Tim

A couple days ago my truck was broken into. Not really 'broken into' persay because it wasn't locked in the first place. The only thing stolen that mattered was my phone. I replaced it yesterday and have the same phone number, however, the SIM card memory couldn't be replaced which means I have no ones phone numbers. If you all could be so kind and call me with your number I will start the reprogramming of my phone.

Yesterday Tim was going to take out his one man canoe. He had Luke helping him get it down from the racks. Tim said to him, "Be careful it's delicate."
Luke replies, " I know."
Tim looks at him and goes, "Do you know what 'delicate' means?"
Luke bored says, "Yes, it means fragile."
Tim now curious asks, "Do you know what fragile means?"
Luke says, "Yah Dad, it means something can be easily broken."

Tim came inside later to tell me the story how Luke patiently answered all of his questions, he was a bit surprised by his vocab. I just figured Luke thought Tim needed to know the definition. Its so nice of him to put up with his parents questions.

Om.

Lately I've been reading about meditation. I have been very interested in the suggestion of a quiet time of listening. The thought of stopping my mind for while has sounded good to me. However, it also made me very nervous. I have tried to slow my mind in the past and meditate and it did't turn out at all.

I have always had too many thoughts. It has taken me so many years to learn which ones to express. This is no joke as being finally diagnosed with some minor mental quirks. My doctor explained it well. He said that my mind is like a radio playing 5 to 10 channels...AT ONCE. I could identify with that imediately. It was the first time someone seemed to understand what its like in my head! Anyway, it is not always that loud in there and I can focus, it just may be a bit more difficult at times. Since then I've learned many different ways to cope with the incessant thinking and can report I have had great results.

Now that I think I have a good control on my internal radio stations I decided to try to meditate this afternoon. I sat down on a pillow and got geared up to start mediating. I was like, 'YAH! I'm DOING it! Cool.' But after a few minutes the chatter did slow and I found a really effective image to focus on.

I imagined I was floating in water. The further away my thoughts got, the lower I would sink under the surface. I could look up and see the light above the water which was my external world with all its noise and chaos. I continued to sink a bit lower so the light was further and further away. On the way down I imagined my cares, concerns, and static to float up and away to the surface, like bubbles. I noticed that after the most noticeable ones floated away I was left with this one thought that I seemed to have an abundance of. The last thoughts to float up all had one word in common. When I noticed the word I was surprised. The word was, "Want". For instance, it sounded like this, I want to scratch my nose, I want a drink of water, I want a blanket, I want to change my legs, I want....' You get the point.

At a certain point though, the wants got quieter so as I didn't notice them as much. When my leg fell asleep I thought whoa, I am way not yogi enough for that! So I opened my eyes and looked at my watch. I had no idea how long I'd been there.

I got 21 minutes. Somehow I don't think I'm supposed to be this proud of it, but I am. Yay me.

Being a parent or step-parent asks me to be more than I am. Lately I've noticed that. I wish to teach gentleness, humility, grace, and forgiveness, among many other things. However here is the catch, I'm supposed to possess these things first! Thinking on this yesterday, I had to go to God for an emergency fronted supply. Luckily for me, He always has it. Never runs out.

This weeks family drama has been excessively tiresome and painful. However with age comes perspective. Actually, I correct that, with age and praying desperately with your face on the floor comes perspective.

It went kind of like this: ME: "God, I am being treated unfairly and am enraged beyond measure, and oh yeah, no one understands me and why am I sooooo different? I live with a bunch of jerks and I'm supposed to be this mature bullet-proof mother and wife and...blah...blah..blah. Anyway, what do I do? Just tell me..just tellmewhattodo...!!

GOD: "Cathy, relax, you're okay. Besides think of those people in Kenya getting killed with machettes. Now what was your problem? Oh yeah, that. Okay, just remember, the actions of other people cannot define you. Only your actions do that, and yes, I do see you are a little short in the patience department, grace department, and...well, like I said, relax. I'm on it."

Since this prayer alot has changed. First of all I learned that in moments of doubt or extreme emotion of any kind, it can be best to do and say nothing. Just relax. Wait. So thats what I've done. I called time on the game of emotional family drama, and I must say, it feels foreign for me, so against my overly reactive nature that has taxed me most of my life, to be the one to say, "HEYEVERYBODY STOP! TIME. f---ing. OUT.!" I normally am the one to relentlessly chase phantom solutions in a crazed state. (FYI, it never worked.)

I guess I've come to the thought that, gee, I just don't know all the anwers all the time, and am embarrassed to say, this little tidbit surprised me much more than it should have. However, that knowledge lets me breathe and just writing it, I let out an huge exhale and rememeber, God knows whats going on, He's got my back. He's 'handlin' it'. All the tension dissapears from my neck and my shoulders drop down from where they were hiked up by my ears and in the middle of my chest a spark of sunny warmth that lets me know this storm is almost over.

We'll count casualties later.

At times of struggle and sadness I tend to do the ostrich thing. So that during difficulty I can continue to function with the daily business of living. So on the surface if I was asked why I look tired or angry, or some other unseemly emotion, I can answer with bewilderment? What me? I am fine. You know, fine. But the truth inside me leaks. Sometimes to my dismay and
sometimes it takes me awhile to gather all the leaking clues of lethargy, vodka, and excessive daydreaming about what it'd be like if I was blind, to notice something might not be 'right'.

Luckily for me I have what I think is a special perk from God that has helps me in my life. I have always been a prolific dreamer. When I cannot look at something head on, it will first come at me sideways in the shape of a vivid, colorful, emotional big screen dream. Dreams that draw on all my senses of smell, taste, touch, besides just the sight and sound. Last night's dream was no different it was really an award winner!

In the dream I was wading through the ocean with an unseen friend, a woman whom I loved, but could not see her face, As we waded a fair distance from the shore she would reassure me we were not far from where we were going. As we neared shore I started having stomach pains and doubled over. I sank beneath the water and to my shock when I came up I was holding a newborn baby. He was perfect and I was happily surprised. Someone handed me a piece of paper that had his name on it. I read it and not finding any liking or connection to it, (the name was Eric) decided to name him David, like the David from David and Goliath and like my brother.

When I woke up, the first thought I had was 'Hey, I don't want more children!" But after the initial alarm wore off and I realized my dream was not some longing for another baby.....I snuggled back down under my new feather comforter and rolled the dream around in my thoughts considering all the beautiful little details that safely seemed right out of a movie.

No more Discovery Channel. Period.

My son asks profound questions. I was watching CSI and trying to relax and he goes, "Mom, how do the pictures get in the t.v.?" I sigh, and hope his Dad comes home soon because he loves to seriously answer these questions with him.
I say, " I don't know."
So he asks again, "Moooom, but hooooow do they get in there?"
I am so tired and I mumble threatenly,"Hey, you know its magic dammit now don't bother me. Dang."
I'm not letting him watch Discovery anymore.

More meds.

I had another dream. I was getting in the car with Tim and all the kids. My step-daughter was in the front seat. I then kicked her ass. Totally weird.

My son can play the piano...with his head.

We were at a New Year's Eve party with a bunch of super socially acceptable people and one of these s.s.a's comes sloshing up to me and Luke after seeing him dancing and says to, me kinda hunched over, "oooohhheeey, now that kidsssssgonnabeeeeeesumbudy!" I instinctively grabbed my son to my side and hissed, "NO, no he's not."

We were in at the hot tub at our hotel this last weekend and I was talking about how Lukey is in piano. I was real excited about it. I was just about to brag about how great his ear is and joke how he loves to play the piano....with his nose...and its soooo funny blah blah blah. Well, this stately older man who was in the hot tub too was listening and turns to us and says he was a piano teacher. We all turned to him interested and he goes on to tell us how his daughter is a Juliard graduate and was a child prodigy on magazine covers and a show called "Who in the World?" and how at 6 years old she was playing concerts....with an orchestra!!! ........... I was so glad I didn't brag about Luke playing the piano with his head. Phew!

The other day, I heard about a school that really interested me. Its called Assets. Its for kids who are gifted or dyslexic or both. So I called Tim to tell him that I was looking into it and he says to me, "Well, what makes you think Luke is gifted?" I was silent. I never thought about THAT. So I considered his question for the rest of the day.

When he got home I told him my answer. 1)First of all, everyone is gifted. See 1Cor.12:4. ALL people are born with certain gifts.....my job is to understand this and help my son find his.
2) I read a study done on a class room of children. The teacher was given fake test scores at the begining of the year. The fake scores were divided in two groups. One group they called "gifted". One group they called average. At the end of the year the children whom the teacher believed to be gifted had lived up to their label and had the new test scores to prove it. The other group similarly lived up to the teachers expectations and had average scores. I will try to find the actual study and post the link for it. So therefore reason number two is: We are who we believe we are. Go see Forest Gump.
3) Thirdly, I think this world uses the term gifted incorrectly. You are "gifted" if you happen to learn the way the majority of people learn and excel at it. Then you are recognized by the system as special. Maybe so, maybe not. Read the Davinci Method.
4)Back to the first reason.

The List

My husband likes to get me very nice gifts. So this Christmas early in December, I started making my private Christmas list. I knew that what I would choose I most likely recieve so I spent quite a bit of thought on it. Near the top was a Hermes enamel bracelet, something interesting, valuable, and collectible. Then I thought of the different gems and stones and how I might want a piece of jewelry. My mind kept going around searching for that one thing I would really want. I considered each item and held it in my minds eye and looked at it from every angle. I imagined what it'd be like to own each thing and what I would do with it. I could see myself admire the thing and then walk to my jewelry box and put it inside. Slowly every item on my list dissapeared as I found that I really did not want any of them very much after all.
It would seem I would have trancended some spiritual mountain, but actually I felt a bit empty and dull.

Since then, I have felt like I am waiting. I have lost my crazy energetic drive and now have started questioning everything I do searching for motives. I have thought of possessions, incomes, the vacations, and have come up empty. These things suddenly are not enough to invest my full attention to anymore. I started to search for ideas of what would warrant me to break loose my energy. A few nights later I had a dream.

I was in a high-rise penthouse. I could hear the clinking of glasses and the light laughter and conversations of the people there. I was engaged in some mindless talk with someone when I saw a flash of fire in the reflection in the window. Still holding my glass I ran to the window and as the other guests crowded behind me we watched a building across town come crumbling down. As everyone stared out the window in shocked silence two more buildings came down. I thought, this is it, and set my drink down.

The next part of the dream I entered our old home. It was destroyed, glass shards, twisted steel were everywhere, the dust barely settled. There was no one there. I led Luke by the hand up the stairs. I walked over to a table where something shiny caught my eye. It was my jewelry. I gingerly picked up a beautiful necklace and put it down. Then I picked up a pair of Chanel earring that were my step-daughter's. I'd always been jealous of those earring. I realized they were mine now if I wanted them. I stood there gently fingering the double cc. I thought of the city torn apart the and destruction and realized they no longer have value. They have no context in this world. No one will ever care again about that logo. It means nothing now. I tipped my palm and let the earring slip back down to the table. Silently I took Luke's hand and turned and left that place.

Since I've had the dream I've turned it over and over in my mind, realizing it contains many questions and answers.

Last night lying in bed after turning the light out, I turned to my husband and told him I was waiting for something. Something I couldn't put my finger on....I told him of my apathy and wondered if I was too young for that mid-life thing. He laughed, but he understood.

He is going to join another mission in the summer. He asked me if I'd like to go to Africa with him.

The Doctor is- IN

My husband grew up in a family of 11 kids. He tells me of getting lost in the sea of kids or fighting his way through it. There was not alot of individual attention. More like group attention.

Thus, my pychoanalysis is: this is why he is a people person and loves constant interaction. Doesn't like to be alone. He is pesky.

I however had a small family with more attention than I wanted. Every move was watched. My mom regulated teeth brushing, dressing, and vitamins. Dad regulated the behavior and refereed conflict. If you were not around the parents would probably notice and an alarm would sound.

Thus, my pychoanalysis is: this is why I need solitude. I actually need to be alone regularly to maintain my balance. I can sometimes be anti-social.

(feel free to post questions to The Doctor) All answers will be 5$, payable by paypal.

Christmas Debriefing

Amazing. We are there. We're through. Guests gone home. Presents unwrapped. Parties attended. China washed and put away. I have today by myself to just breathe. Everyone had something to do, Luke is swimming with the neighbors, so I get to sit on my back porch smoking ciggies and wonder why we do all these things. The glitter, the gifts... and it reminds me of one of this one Christmas.

I was in Hawaii, my early 20s, aimless, broke. I had a boyfriend and we lived in a cramped studio apartment. We couldn't afford much. On Christmas we walked through Waikiki holding hands on our way to the beach. I remember us watching the families on vacation through the windows of these fancy restraunts as we passed by. We smiled at each other and at nothing. We got to the beach and smoothed out our towels. It was nice and warm with a cool breeze. We talked lightly of what we would give each other if we had any money and laughed. But when I looked at him, I knew I had more than anyone else in the world. I will never forget that physical sensation of my heart filling. I thought to myself this was the best Christmas I'd ever had. We gave each other nothing, but at the same time, everything.

Even though I am a mother and married I think we all have stories and some help us become who we are. I know mine do.

Which takes me back to the question why do we do these things? For me I realize that some of my actions I do for others.I decorate and go to parties. I go to more parties than I have the energy for then my smile becomes brittle, my laugh rough instead of joyful and I end up empty and angry.

Next year I will attend less parties and buy less presents. I will take the season slower. Maybe I will please fewer people. So the moments when I find myself silently marveling at the actual gift of Christmas and trying to get my head and heart around its full meaning with all of its connotations, are less rare.

Its probably just as simple as less parties.

Almost Christmas!

I noticed the date of the last time I blogged and I am surprised at how fast time goes by. So much has happened since the 9th of December.....Happy Birthday, Joy!

We said goodbye to Tim's new found son and his family after a beautiful and fantastic visit. We could not have asked God to orchestrate a more loving and joyful reunion between father and son. I feel blessed just to have been a part of it.

Now I am living between our house and my in-laws, since my mom-in-law has been sick. She's having such a hard time recovering from her hip replacement and now today she went in for an emergency pace-maker.

I know how boring it seems to hear about other peoples health problems. But somehow now its much different. I think to myself how long these two people have been with me and how generous they've always been to me even when it was hard to be, and I think they are such a part of my life. This family has finally become my family. I don't know when it happened. Years just passed by, arguments, dinners, babies being born, holidays, and somewhere in there they've become a part of me.

So this Christmas amidst the health problems, never-ending lists of chores and mountains of laundry, I am joyful and thank God for the gift that Christmas is: reconciliation, peace, and love, and of these we abound.

For all my family and friends I pray this Christmas brings the same for you.

Merry Christmas Friends and Family!

This season is full of surprising gifts. One of the greatest is that Tim's son and his family are visiting us. Last night We stayed up late with Grandpa and Grandma Reed telling stories and getting to know each other. I was busy darting around the house preparing for a big feast to be held tonight in Tim Jr.s honor. We all were enjoying the evening filled with laughter and love.

The party is the biggest one I've been in charge of, but this one doesn't seem like a burden. I see the great importance of welcoming our newest found family members and each dish planned is aimed toward the goal of creating beauty.

Lately, that has been the theme in my life. Creating beauty. As I spent my time deep in chores and planning, it occurred to me how much I love to make things beautiful. To me, I am not simply cleaning my in-laws home, or creating a menu, but it has become an act of love, and to add to my happiness, I've discovered I have a gift for these details in life. It really is about the finished result creating atmosphere and ambience.

Yesterday morning, I gave my youngest step-daughter a lesson straight from my mother Linda. We went over her bedroom and I pointed out all the nooks and crannies that needed to be cleaned. I really could hear my mother's voice in my head telling me the same things years before! "Why do a job half-way? It will just have to be done again. No, you don't just swish a brush around the toliet and call it done. Look at the bottom....." The most amazing thing was that Kenna was actually recieptive and interested. She had become used to housekeepers in her childhood and had simply never learned what to do. I figured this would be a good time as any!

So the party is tonight and I am very excited to see the buffet ready. We have a long teak cabinent that was constructed especially for occasions like this. I've covered it with red burgandy velvet. I've dug out Grandma's antique crystal. The color theme of the platters and dishes is silver, white, and crystal. It will be so regal! I can't wait! The menu is: Ham, lemon chicken, roasted sweet potatoes made with molasses, green beans, rice pilaf, salad, and sweet Hawaiian rolls. a great selection of wines. I am expecting up to 30 people. I guess with that said, I realize I'd better get over there and start getting ready!

I hope all of you are having a blessed season and tonight I will think of all my friends and family that couldn't be here and hope you are all having a Merry Christmas.

My Christmas List: TIME.

It is the HOLIDAY TIME full on. I will be trying to keep up with my blog as it is a nice relaxing break for me....however, it is crazy time over here.

Last week was heavy, and I mean HEAVY cleaning week. then rush off to: Maui to meet newfound step-son and family.
We arrived home from Maui yesterday. Pretty soon I will tell all about meeting Tim's eldest son. (He is a very cool guy)
Now, I must reload my ebay store with things for sale as my virtual racks had to be left empty last week, which means stay broke.
Which also means I must ignore the mountain of laundry in my kitchen and chores screaming to be done! and party on the 9th that needs dire attention to the details...
Wish there were two of me.

I have a list a mile long of "To Do"shit.

OKAY. here is a sliver lining.(one of many)
I have had a wonderful week and have learned some amazing things in the most surprising ways. I do look forward to blogging about it. The title for it will be, "Love Does".

But right now, I must rush off to pick up Luke from school and make myself presentable. No time for shower this morning!

A Day in the 'Hood.

My Neighbor

Her: So, do you compost?
Me: Eeew. No.Gross.Bugs.
Her:Well.You SHOULD, you know...blah, blah bla.
Me: Yah, well you know...we have a disposal and I'd hate to waste it.
Her: I see......Do you let your son eat Macaroni and Cheese?
Me: Yah.
Her:Well, I HOPE for his sake its ORGANIC.
Me: Oh, for sure. Definently organic!(lie)
Her: I see...so, do you go to Mommy and Me group?
Real Me:(Oh, no, I am so busy scrubbing with my organic soapsuds that I made from boiling my veggies that I grow in my own organic garden that I don't have time to hang out and do squats in a public park with a bunch of strollers and women who favor the art of breast feeding! Besides, when would I have time to listen to loud rock and roll and feed my kid Hersheys for lunch?)
Me: Ohmigosh! I would loooove to go to Mommy and Me workouts! YaY! What time is it? I will be there for sure!
Her:(weird look on face)5pm.
Me: smile serenly.
Real Me: (evil secret smile) Get thong spandex workout unitard in leopard. Bring along Marlbros.

Lukie the Philosopher.

Last night I was lying down with Lukie trying to get him to calm down and go to sleep. It was nice and quiet and I had finally threatened him enough I thought he was really going to sleep this time then he popped his head up and looks at me and says" Mom, you know what I'm finking about?"
I say, "No, what."
"I'm finking about brains." Then he smiles sleepily to himself and says,"My brains thinking about brains finking!" Then drops his head back down and falls asleep.
My son, the future philosopher, introspective genius.

Other funny sayings from the week:

We were driving to Grandpa and Grandma Reeds and from the back seat he says,"Mom, are there pirates on land?"(He's into Pirates of the Caribbean.)
I thought, Wow, good question. "Yes, acutually, they are called theives though."
He says,"OHhhhh.Cooooool." I still wonder if I said the wrong thing......I think I just messed him up.

We have our most profound conversations in the car.
Luke: Mom, do highways have families?
Me: Actually, yes they do. They are called roads.
Luke: But do they have kids too?
Me: Well, yes they do. They are called streets.
Luke:But do they have cousins?
Me: Shut up, I'm trying to hear my music.

A few Minutes Later.

Luke: Mom?
Me: What?
Luke:You know how much I love you?
Me:(smiling)How much?
Luke:Two hundred a hundred!
Me: Cool.

I'm Kooky. not Crazy.

My view on anger is that I will continue to blog even if I'm mad as long as it has a point or some lesson that can be learned. Otherwise, sometimes I think that when I'm in a bad spot for awhile its sometimes better to say nothing that spread negativity around needlessly. Anger can be destructive. Nowdays I am trying to learn to let things pass and just wait the feelings out. Anger usually burns out if you allow it to.

So if anyone has noticed my lack of blogging, its simply me putting this philosophy into practice. My temper can superscede reason and I figure anything that comes out of me may be toxic. Besides, I'd rather write about hard times in retrospect.

So..in retrospect, I have learned alot about the events of the past month and will share some of them with you now.

First, is I have much medical support in my life. For all you so called normies this might seem weird but I've come to notice as of late that this support is not only neccessary for me to live a sane and healthy life but one of the greatest blessing I've ever been given. The blessing of Insurance. yay!

I ran out of my meds mid month. It took a week to refill it. Which was a fiasco and not good for my mental state to say the least.
I've taken my pills for so long, the difference when I ran out was very noticable to me and the small community around me. The strangest thing was that the way I felt off my meds reminded me of my early teen year all the way to mid twenties when I started being treated by a good doctor. Its funny how I'd forgotton how difficult living was for me. I wonder how I did it at all. I sympathize with people for one reason or another cannot get good medical attention or are too crazy to know they need it.


Not everyone is born with the most functional desposition or chemical make up. To know this is key. Knowing your family history is also important. Lots of disorders can be genetic.

So Dad, guess you're off the hook sense I'm adopted. My kookiness is nothing to do with you making me eat my dang veggies! Whew. I bet you are so relieved!

Tahitian Dancing

I started taking Tahitian dance lessons last week Wednesday. It really is alot of fun and good exercise. I am quite the novice but enjoying myself nevertheless. Some of the girls are very good though and it is so mesmerizing to see them dance. They are very graceful. I think I'm going to keep up with it. Its okay to look like a goof for awhile. Maybe soon, I'll be shaking with the best of them....