Almost Christmas!

I noticed the date of the last time I blogged and I am surprised at how fast time goes by. So much has happened since the 9th of December.....Happy Birthday, Joy!

We said goodbye to Tim's new found son and his family after a beautiful and fantastic visit. We could not have asked God to orchestrate a more loving and joyful reunion between father and son. I feel blessed just to have been a part of it.

Now I am living between our house and my in-laws, since my mom-in-law has been sick. She's having such a hard time recovering from her hip replacement and now today she went in for an emergency pace-maker.

I know how boring it seems to hear about other peoples health problems. But somehow now its much different. I think to myself how long these two people have been with me and how generous they've always been to me even when it was hard to be, and I think they are such a part of my life. This family has finally become my family. I don't know when it happened. Years just passed by, arguments, dinners, babies being born, holidays, and somewhere in there they've become a part of me.

So this Christmas amidst the health problems, never-ending lists of chores and mountains of laundry, I am joyful and thank God for the gift that Christmas is: reconciliation, peace, and love, and of these we abound.

For all my family and friends I pray this Christmas brings the same for you.

Merry Christmas Friends and Family!

This season is full of surprising gifts. One of the greatest is that Tim's son and his family are visiting us. Last night We stayed up late with Grandpa and Grandma Reed telling stories and getting to know each other. I was busy darting around the house preparing for a big feast to be held tonight in Tim Jr.s honor. We all were enjoying the evening filled with laughter and love.

The party is the biggest one I've been in charge of, but this one doesn't seem like a burden. I see the great importance of welcoming our newest found family members and each dish planned is aimed toward the goal of creating beauty.

Lately, that has been the theme in my life. Creating beauty. As I spent my time deep in chores and planning, it occurred to me how much I love to make things beautiful. To me, I am not simply cleaning my in-laws home, or creating a menu, but it has become an act of love, and to add to my happiness, I've discovered I have a gift for these details in life. It really is about the finished result creating atmosphere and ambience.

Yesterday morning, I gave my youngest step-daughter a lesson straight from my mother Linda. We went over her bedroom and I pointed out all the nooks and crannies that needed to be cleaned. I really could hear my mother's voice in my head telling me the same things years before! "Why do a job half-way? It will just have to be done again. No, you don't just swish a brush around the toliet and call it done. Look at the bottom....." The most amazing thing was that Kenna was actually recieptive and interested. She had become used to housekeepers in her childhood and had simply never learned what to do. I figured this would be a good time as any!

So the party is tonight and I am very excited to see the buffet ready. We have a long teak cabinent that was constructed especially for occasions like this. I've covered it with red burgandy velvet. I've dug out Grandma's antique crystal. The color theme of the platters and dishes is silver, white, and crystal. It will be so regal! I can't wait! The menu is: Ham, lemon chicken, roasted sweet potatoes made with molasses, green beans, rice pilaf, salad, and sweet Hawaiian rolls. a great selection of wines. I am expecting up to 30 people. I guess with that said, I realize I'd better get over there and start getting ready!

I hope all of you are having a blessed season and tonight I will think of all my friends and family that couldn't be here and hope you are all having a Merry Christmas.

My Christmas List: TIME.

It is the HOLIDAY TIME full on. I will be trying to keep up with my blog as it is a nice relaxing break for me....however, it is crazy time over here.

Last week was heavy, and I mean HEAVY cleaning week. then rush off to: Maui to meet newfound step-son and family.
We arrived home from Maui yesterday. Pretty soon I will tell all about meeting Tim's eldest son. (He is a very cool guy)
Now, I must reload my ebay store with things for sale as my virtual racks had to be left empty last week, which means stay broke.
Which also means I must ignore the mountain of laundry in my kitchen and chores screaming to be done! and party on the 9th that needs dire attention to the details...
Wish there were two of me.

I have a list a mile long of "To Do"shit.

OKAY. here is a sliver lining.(one of many)
I have had a wonderful week and have learned some amazing things in the most surprising ways. I do look forward to blogging about it. The title for it will be, "Love Does".

But right now, I must rush off to pick up Luke from school and make myself presentable. No time for shower this morning!

A Day in the 'Hood.

My Neighbor

Her: So, do you compost?
Me: Eeew. No.Gross.Bugs.
Her:Well.You SHOULD, you know...blah, blah bla.
Me: Yah, well you know...we have a disposal and I'd hate to waste it.
Her: I see......Do you let your son eat Macaroni and Cheese?
Me: Yah.
Her:Well, I HOPE for his sake its ORGANIC.
Me: Oh, for sure. Definently organic!(lie)
Her: I see...so, do you go to Mommy and Me group?
Real Me:(Oh, no, I am so busy scrubbing with my organic soapsuds that I made from boiling my veggies that I grow in my own organic garden that I don't have time to hang out and do squats in a public park with a bunch of strollers and women who favor the art of breast feeding! Besides, when would I have time to listen to loud rock and roll and feed my kid Hersheys for lunch?)
Me: Ohmigosh! I would loooove to go to Mommy and Me workouts! YaY! What time is it? I will be there for sure!
Her:(weird look on face)5pm.
Me: smile serenly.
Real Me: (evil secret smile) Get thong spandex workout unitard in leopard. Bring along Marlbros.

Lukie the Philosopher.

Last night I was lying down with Lukie trying to get him to calm down and go to sleep. It was nice and quiet and I had finally threatened him enough I thought he was really going to sleep this time then he popped his head up and looks at me and says" Mom, you know what I'm finking about?"
I say, "No, what."
"I'm finking about brains." Then he smiles sleepily to himself and says,"My brains thinking about brains finking!" Then drops his head back down and falls asleep.
My son, the future philosopher, introspective genius.

Other funny sayings from the week:

We were driving to Grandpa and Grandma Reeds and from the back seat he says,"Mom, are there pirates on land?"(He's into Pirates of the Caribbean.)
I thought, Wow, good question. "Yes, acutually, they are called theives though."
He says,"OHhhhh.Cooooool." I still wonder if I said the wrong thing......I think I just messed him up.

We have our most profound conversations in the car.
Luke: Mom, do highways have families?
Me: Actually, yes they do. They are called roads.
Luke: But do they have kids too?
Me: Well, yes they do. They are called streets.
Luke:But do they have cousins?
Me: Shut up, I'm trying to hear my music.

A few Minutes Later.

Luke: Mom?
Me: What?
Luke:You know how much I love you?
Me:(smiling)How much?
Luke:Two hundred a hundred!
Me: Cool.

I'm Kooky. not Crazy.

My view on anger is that I will continue to blog even if I'm mad as long as it has a point or some lesson that can be learned. Otherwise, sometimes I think that when I'm in a bad spot for awhile its sometimes better to say nothing that spread negativity around needlessly. Anger can be destructive. Nowdays I am trying to learn to let things pass and just wait the feelings out. Anger usually burns out if you allow it to.

So if anyone has noticed my lack of blogging, its simply me putting this philosophy into practice. My temper can superscede reason and I figure anything that comes out of me may be toxic. Besides, I'd rather write about hard times in retrospect.

So..in retrospect, I have learned alot about the events of the past month and will share some of them with you now.

First, is I have much medical support in my life. For all you so called normies this might seem weird but I've come to notice as of late that this support is not only neccessary for me to live a sane and healthy life but one of the greatest blessing I've ever been given. The blessing of Insurance. yay!

I ran out of my meds mid month. It took a week to refill it. Which was a fiasco and not good for my mental state to say the least.
I've taken my pills for so long, the difference when I ran out was very noticable to me and the small community around me. The strangest thing was that the way I felt off my meds reminded me of my early teen year all the way to mid twenties when I started being treated by a good doctor. Its funny how I'd forgotton how difficult living was for me. I wonder how I did it at all. I sympathize with people for one reason or another cannot get good medical attention or are too crazy to know they need it.


Not everyone is born with the most functional desposition or chemical make up. To know this is key. Knowing your family history is also important. Lots of disorders can be genetic.

So Dad, guess you're off the hook sense I'm adopted. My kookiness is nothing to do with you making me eat my dang veggies! Whew. I bet you are so relieved!

Tahitian Dancing

I started taking Tahitian dance lessons last week Wednesday. It really is alot of fun and good exercise. I am quite the novice but enjoying myself nevertheless. Some of the girls are very good though and it is so mesmerizing to see them dance. They are very graceful. I think I'm going to keep up with it. Its okay to look like a goof for awhile. Maybe soon, I'll be shaking with the best of them....

Art is Life, or Life is Art?

So once in awhile I find a piece of music, a book, or piece of art that moves me beyond words and I hope to own it so I can spend my life with it. Strange but true.

This time my new artist crushes' name is Mathew Heller. I highly reccommend looking up his website online to view his word art. I particularly love "Homage to music" all four pieces. and "Your heart is the Sun"

I would love to hang the latter piece on my wall in the living room. I love words.

The Rules are Now in Effect.

Boundary #1

Guess what? If your married you DO NOT stay out all night without a word. Thats the damn rule. No exceptions.


Boundary #2

You NEVER call your mother the F-word. Ever. Unless you want to get heck.hell. whatnot.


Boundary#3

A wife cannot owe a husband money while they are actually MARRIED!

I'm a Damn Bleeder.....

One Safe Place-Mark Cohn

The day I lit my first cigarette I was thirteen. I sat in the grass under a huge sky at the grammar school I used to attend.
I can remember the feeling of getting dizzy as the smoke rose up around me. Everything got hazy and I felt safe.


This last month has been such a challenge.... Strange, no matter how old I get, I never stop growing up...and these last lessons wracked me. So I'be been cowered down grimacing at life, if anyone wondered where I've been lately.

.....Somehow I grew from child to woman with little knowlege of my value. I notice that even now, as a 33 year old mother and wife, my boundaries in some areas are undefined if not wholly non-existent. I am now in the midst of constructing some new boundaries for myself. These are lines I've drawn with great care, and they indicate the self-worth, dignity, and intristic value that God has been whispering in my ear for years. No more shades of gray.



So as I near November 12, it will mark one month smoke-free. I am continuing to live and breathe, but things are changing over here.

Thought for today, and hope for tomorrow.

I will not abuse myself by stuffing my face with my son's Halloween candy.
I will just eat a couple, not all of them.
I will hide them from myself so when I open the fridge they are not staring right at me.
I will not obsess about chocolate. or kitkats, or Reeses, or M&ms or Hersheys.
I have mind control.
I am in control!

He gimme one Kee-ra-zee Kine Stink Eye!

I passed the most difficult period of time in the quit smoking thing. Seems like every time I quit, Tim gets on my nerves so bad. I don't know why, but he acts up EVERY dang time I try to quit, he just does stuff to make me so crazy.

For the couple days previous, I was getting more and more irritated with him. I tried to hold it in. Well, finally it was Friday. We had a sitter for Luke and were going to dinner and a movie but during dinner, I just went totally beserk. He had made a weird look at me and I went completely agro.I don't even know what happend! I basically felt compelled to tell him all the stuff he does that annoys me. Then we left the restraunt and I said I didn't feel like going to the movie anymore. I was too mad. So he took me on a drive instead. After the drive I felt better.

Then Tim suggested that maybe I was just uptight because I'd quit smoking and that he didn't really do anything. I thought maybe thats true for a minute....but then....I was like no way. I know when someone looks at me all crazy kine stink eye.

Forget That!

Piano came today

I finally got my piano! Yaaaay! I got it from the Salvation Army, and my friend works there so he gave me a killer deal. $50! So I'm so happy about that. Luke and I both started lessons last week. It feels awesome to finally have a piano to play again after all these years. I'm going to get music for L.A, song by Beth Hart tomorrow.

Happy Halloween Peeps.

KInda like crack, but not.

I was reading this website the other day about a bunch of super cool stuff. Zen type stuff. I book marked the site so I could see what was up with trying to get more Zen in my life. They had so many great ideas about simplifying life. One of the ideas I liked the most was how to declutter. So today, I decluttered my linen closet and dangnagit, it looks GOOD! WhOOHOO! The joy. The sheer satisfaction. Its so extreme. I seriously recommend doing this. I mean seriously, its freakin EUPHORIC! I actually had to take photos of it.

Whew. So I am truly moving forward in my search for a zen-filled life according to the website.Yesssssssss!


Tim once told me about a business associate of his that was such a high-strung, creative type, that he told Tim that he HAD to meditate daily or go whack. So I'm thinking, yah, maybe me too. You know, if I'm not smoking I am a bit high strung....you know....energetic....like on crack, but not. Its just me completely natural. I guess I'm lucky.

blah. blah blah. blah.

Tim went to church this morning and then off to show an apartment he has for rent. I am killing time on the computer and Luke is lying on the floor watching Ninja Turtles.

I really need to figure the darn picture posting thing because Luke has taken to wearing his bright green Ninja Turtle costume with the shell on his back daily. His best friend and our neighbor, a boy named Keenan who is 5, wear their costumes and run around the neighborhood together after school. Keenan has a Spiderman suit. The costumes are both full body and zip up the back. Masks too. I will try to figure the photo thing out tonight.

I feel like crap. I know its just the nicotine thing probably plus hormones, add being slightly crazy and wallah.....you get me. It totally sucks. I do not feel together or normal. I am offended easily by loud noises and abrubt physical contact. All I want to do is shop. Yeah, I am the wife of the year...I know. But shopping totally relaxes me, I feel like I'm floating. totally focused. never mind.

So I may be coming apart until I find an activity that I can do on command to ease my mind or anxieties....something like smoking...but not smoking of course. I am thinking maybe........a nail file....so I can tweak with that....and maybe morphine....I don't know. I might be dying of some horrible brain disease.

You can probably see that I was not an easy child to raise.

Off to shop at the Goodwill. I will find a treasure that will change mankind. Someone accidentally threw out something totally awesome. I will find it. Thus, change the free world as we know it.

Today, I do not believe in Majik.

October 1991

Its late. I am trying to fall asleep before Tim gets home. Luke is sleeping on Tim's side of the bed. I lie on my left side, facing the screen doors and look at the shadows on the wall and the curtain blowing gently. The fan is humming on the corner nightstand behind me. I don't like the feel of it on my face. I can't sleep yet. I'm not that tired.

I wonder if I am having deja vu, if maybe I've seen the curtains blow this exact way with the temperature in the room the exact same temperature as some other time before. Maybe the shadows are the same and that is why I am thinking about this night from years ago. I can't think of any reason why bits and pieces of a night years ago would be flickering through my thoughts at this particular moment.

The twins were the younger sisters of my roomate. They lived with her off and on when she was able to support them. They were 15. I was 17. It was 1991 in October.

My roomate was glad I had made friends with her younger sisters. She had confided that her Grandpa had molested her as a child. She thought he might be molesting her sisters too.She was worried about them. She wanted me to check out their living situation. She thought I would pass as one of the twins friends from school.

The door of the trailer made a flimsy sound as it shut behind me. I had on black polkadot stretchpants and a white tee shirt that showed my stomach. It was getting really cold out and I had a weathered brown leather jacket I had borrowed with me.

I didn't want to be there.

I sat on this gold and orange floral couch in the living room and dialed my boyfriends phone number. The younger of the twins warned me to be quiet and whisper because their Grandpa had gone to bed and his room was less than 10ft away.

I waited at the window in the girls bedroom looking for headlights. I contemplated whether to use the window or the front door.

I wonder, every now and then, if he's dead of alive. Maybe its not even me wondering, its probably the girl who is forever 17, waiting for the headlights.

A Woman's Worth, Alcia Keys

I am getting back to normal. I can feel sanity returning to me. Yay sanity! The familiar calm contented feeling is coming back to me, and I am still smoke-free. Very excellently cool.

I am starting to notice the details of my life once more. The funny situations I find myself in, the way Luke pronounces something..ect...I take this as good news that I am emerging from my bad period and am able to see a little outside myself again. Thank God. How miserable it is to only be able to see your own irritable self.

Anyway, yesterday Tim called from Utah where he is visiting his middle daughter Remy. After speaking to Tim for awhile he passed the phone to Remy. She in hushed tones said she needed to speak to me and ask me something, but could we not tell her Dad. I was imediately afraid she was pregnant and braced myself for the news. Fortunately that wasn't it.

After my assurances she could tell me anything, she paused, and I waited for her to speak.

She says,"Do you think its okay to accept gifts from a guy that you don't like?"

That kind of surprised me. I quickly spanned my experience and gathered up what I remembered. I ask her, "What kind of gifts?" I'm thinking like flowers? or like furs?

She declines to answer. So of course I'm thinking its more along the line of furs. Yeah, thats hard. I ask who the guy is.

She says, "Oh, no one really......he's just 37 and likes to buy me stuff."

Now its my turn to pause. Hmmm. I get the feeling though she's waiting for me to advise.This is when something happens that I can only contribute to God's awesome timing and grace.

I say, "You know, I know how you must feel. Its so nice to get gifts. Especially really cool ones..." She agrees heartly. Then I say, "But the thing is, looking back on my life when I was exactly where you are, I think I would do it differently if I had the choice to go back."

She sounds surprised. "Huh? Why?"

I am not totally clear why yet and stutter when I tell her, "I feel like by accepting gifts from someone you don't care for, you are using them. She agrees...with a," uh hmmm".

As if the words are being whispered in my ear, I say, " ....and when you use someone for your own purpose, somehow, you diminish yourself and them. You are setting a value for yourself that is too low..."

The word diminish rings in my ears and as I say this to her, I think of the times in my life that my behavior diminished the person God had made me to be. I realize God is telling me something at the same time I am speaking this to Remy.

Remy and I talk a little longer about the value you give yourself and others. After we hang up, however, I am left to contemplate our conversation alone.

I wonder how often we consider how valuable we are to God. What would happen to us if we knew how much we were loved? Would we be different?

I think so.

I quit smoking Oct. 12 and.....

On the way to my Dr.s appointment this morning I pulled into the parking garage. The person in the car infront of me was going suuuuuuper slooooow. I got super pissed. I had a thought pass through my mind that I should invest in a handgun. Then I was like, well...no....people in Hawaii...aren't really down with the whole hand gun scene...besides...I already have a taser.....yeah...I guess I already have a taser.

Anyway, I've been experiencing these little mini explosions of temper in my head for a couple days now. Its really weird, because, normally I am pretty chill, not in a hurry, no reason to stress. Just lately though, I've been completly keeee-raaaaa-zeeeeee!

I yelled at Tim to put his d@#%$ vitamens in the cupboard. They are an eyesore on my kitchen counter.....I freak at drivers...ect...ect.

My Doctor says, however, its all OKAY. It will be OKAY. I just gotta wait and not abuse caffine or small animals.

Soon I will be normal. I'll let you all know when.

Its paradise as usual

Earl and I are trying to plan a trip here for Kianna to visit Luke. Those two really are two peas-in-a-pod. Hopefully, we will get it all organized.

Nothing too exciting going on over here, except I am now recieving nasty text messages from some weirdo, who I believe it is a guy from the gym who asked me to join a squash team, after which I found there was no squash team, so I had signed up on this completely bogus form my phone number. Anyway, I don't know how to text so, I am leaving it to Tim to reply to his disgustingly rude text message tonight......there are more freaks in this world than I care to know. I think we have more than our share here in Hawaii. hmmmm.

Other than some nasty text messages, and that I've been grouchy for a few days and no fun to be around, because I got the riot act for not going to the Blue Angel thing, everything seems as usual in paradise.

Tomorrow I see my pyschiatrist.......Ha ha.

sorry. still can't figure how to upload photos. I'll be getting to that soon.

Lion King

The Broadway production for Lion King is here in Hawaii. We got tickets awhile back and went to see it Saturday afternoon with my in-laws, Luke, Tim and my niece Natalie. It was a fantasic show. The kids seemed mesmerized by all the fabulous costumes.
The singing was incredible. The only downside was that it was really loud and super crowded.

After the show, I was completely exhausted. Sometimes if I go too long racing around from thing to thing and event to event and don't get any privacy I experience a mini melt down.

Finally after all these years I can now recognize the pattern.

Anyway, Tim has a hard time understanding my need for complete alone time. He is such a social person by nature, I am too, I just have this little glitch in my system though. Gotta recharge regularly through solitary pursuits. If I don't, It seems like life begins to rush at me from all angles. I get sensory overload, a headache comes on, a slight anxiety feeling like clausterphobia...ect ect. Then I have to go to my room and sleep.

Well, Lion King was only the begining of the weekend. We were still supposed to go to dinner that night with everyone, then early next morning go to my in-laws, where an out-of-town guest was staying as well, and go to see the Blue Angels at the military base. Oh yeah, Luke was out of school for Thursday and Friday, so he and I were together for those 2 days 24-7. So yeah, after Lion King I was so tired. I had to bow out of the rest of the weekend.

I am feeling better after resting Saturday night and Sunday day. So by this morning I am completely recharged and ready to rock.

I wish the world would just understand though and slow down a bit.