Recent Reading & Summer Goals

Looking back on the long break I took from writing, I believe I was unknowingly doing much needed inner work to prepare me to start writing again from an entirely new place that I was not fully aware of.

I have read a few books in the last few months that seem to follow a similar direction. They each in their own subject have allowed me to become more aware of life at a deeper level. Each book managed to leave me thoughtful and surprised at how little I know.. and with a greater appreciation of the kind of unfolding my life has taken on.
The first book "The Omnivore's Delimma" introduced me to the complex dynamic of where our food comes from, what we eat and the reverberations that follow our most mundane food related descions. This book has brought an awareness of the way my daily food choices effect not only me but in the way they reverberate out from me, the rest of the world.
The second book, "A New Earth", directed my attention to subject of 'self' at it's deepest core. Unlike the previous book, this book seemed to bring my attention inside myself. This book facilitated many new awarenesses and consequently I grew more free to disentangle myself of limiting ideas I had previously thought to be an unquestionable part of my who I am. A new concept of being insignificant and paridoxically, ultimately sacred has pervaded me since finishing this book almost a year ago. This book encouraged me to consider what ultimately makes us who we are, and gave me the almost giddy permission not to know.

The most recent Book, "The Spiral Staircase' was an incredibly validating and encouraging book. I am still processing the ideas and will hopefully continue to do so for life. However, on a short note, I think it has given me more confidence to simply accept and be who I am, and to try to continue to offer this divine right to others as well. This book addressed head on the question of the existence of God and takes a global look at three major religion's-so called claim to a monopoly on truth.


The Summer has began and I feel like I am at a new starting place. I feel I am to write this year. To begin some kind of journey with words. I am not sure yet of the topics, although I have several ideas. With much trepidation I face the idea of actually sitting down to put words to into sentences that become paragraphs that become pages and chapters that convey for me somehow the way I have experienced the world in which we live, and hopefully it becomes something that is able to manifest my deepest humanity in a way that others recognize themselves as well.

Wish me luck.

It okay.

This morning has been semi-productive. Dishes, dusting, laundry, ect.
To make the chores more bearable I put on some music. Pretty soon I was flying through it like nothing. Right before I finished, a song came on, and there was a line in the lyrics that made me pause and think of my Dad.
In that moment I was grateful for our him and our relationship, and strangely I was also grateful for all the hardships that have blessed us.
On that line of thought, my brother also came to mind and he too was included in my gratitude for what we have.

The past three weeks have been full of saddness and anger as I struggled with my past. But today I came to a beautiful conclusion that made everything right.

I imagine when forgiveness is easy to exchange, my joy and freedom are equal to the effort required, but when I experience forgiveness for the unforgiveable..... I am allowed a glimpse of something closer to divine trancendence. Something much bigger than me, something to ponder and wonder at. Something that points me towards God, something that humbles me, something that heals my soul.......and I am silent and let it wash over me.

This morning, hands all soapy, doin' dishes, my life seemed to make perfect and wonderful sense. As I listened to the words in the song, the anger and saddness gently floated up and away and the holes in my heart filled with light and a profound thought came to me as tears rolled down my cheeks.

It's okay.
I mean it. All of it. It's okay.

Therapy Rocks.

After feeling bad for a few weeks, it dawned on me, in the form of a visual picture in my head the answer to my sadness. I imagined a box. The box was all my history. All things said and done to me or by me. All events to have ever have taken place. All labels, awards, failures, and thoughts. Everything. Then I saw the peaceful, silent and vast space around the box. I realized, of course I've been sad, I've been living in the damn box for a couple of weeks now, Instead of living outside the box where I belong. I gave myself a mental 'duh', and things steadily improved.

I know I am more back to my self because while driving with Luke today, he talked about the clown shoe. I imediately knew, he did not have to explain. He watches the clouds and so do I. He was finding beauty and having fun, and for the first time in awhile, I found beauty and had fun with him.

I had my purse stolen recently. It set off a whole week of violent and ugly mental dialogue between me and the imaginary perpetrator. Then out of the blue I noticed myself having these weird thoughts, and realized what a waste of energy, then I wondered what would happen if I did not respond this way. What if I did not fight or confront? After this last thought, I was overwhelmed with anxiety for a few minutes.

I am trying to let loose of this identification. This fighting thing. This tough thing. Maybe I don't need to be like that anymore.
It feels a lot lighter. Maybe whoever can just have my purse.

Me and my Dad have been having a lot of conversations lately. Its just that he doesn't know about them, because they've been in my head. They were tough and complicated. I was really mad for awhile and wanted to send him my therapy bill, but then I found out he really loves me, just like the way I love Luke, and would never harm me on purpose. Just like I would never want to harm my child either. The common thread we have between us is love. It surpasses all. It forgives all. It heals all.
I actually think we are quite alike.

This is what I've been doing lately besides thinking too much: Hot Yoga, Gardening, Piano, alot of Reading, alot of house work. Oh, and I've been sleeping better.

Ants on Drugs

If anyone thinks the life of a stay-at-home-mom is boring, they obviously haven't hung out with me and my kid, and don't know about the sublime conversations that can happen at any given moment.

Luke and I went for a night Safeway run to pick a couple of things up. (We needed yeast for the bread we were making) On the way home a country song was playing called, "Drugs or Jesus", one of my favorites I must add.

Anyway, from the back seat Luke asks me, "Mom, are drugs bad and Jesus good?"
Me: Um, Yeah.
Luke: Oh....well don't people eat drugs?
Me: Well....yeah.
Luke: Oh..... how do people get the drugs in their bodies?
Me: Well, they take bad pills or powder......
(5 minutes silence.)
Luke: Mom?
Me: Yeah.
Luke: Do ants do drugs?
Me: No... they'd die......to small.....
Luke: But...if they did do drugs would they be bad ants?
Me: No.
Luke: Why not?
Me: Cause they don't have brains.
Luke: ( total outrage and shock) What?! NO BRAINS! Why!
Me: ...Well insects don't have brains like we do.
Luke: (after a few minutes of silence) Well, mom, do ants have BONES?
Me: Their bones are on the outside and they are soft on the inside.
After a moment of deep thought.
Luke: (with total delight.) Ahhh! You mean they are NAKED on the inside?
Me: Yup. Naked.

I could see another sublime conversation was about to begin.

Beauty for Ashes

I was reading a book recently about the ways human beings subconscously create their personal identity. A passage in this chapter really resonated with me. It suggested that if you had failed to create an self-image in the normal way (education,job,family,ect.) then you either create it's negative opposite (negative or anti-social behavior) or if you've done neither people just feel uncomfortable with you, not knowing how they relate to you and you them. It can be a painful feeling.
I really understood that, but the cool thing is, that it suggests the place of weak identity or a destroyed identity (tragedy, job loss, divorce ect.) is actually the optimum place for the spiritual realization of who you really are. Which, in fact, has nothing to do with your education or job or any other fleeting role we may play in life. Maybe because there is not as much as an entrenched identity to disidentify with or its one that would be happily discarded given the choice.

I have generally experienced a basic discomfort when socializing with new people. As I grew older I started to understand that I did not have the typical life experiences, in the typical orders, to communicate to someone a basic picture of who I was. You know, my "story" was either too weird or unacceptable to use as a lead in! So I have had much anxiety meeting new people, until the last few years. (Thank God for Tim!)

This year has been one of joy as I become comfortable embracing myself as larger than what is definable in words. I now have in the place of past shame and discomfort a pervading peace and surprisingly, a persistent and overwhelming joy.( God's love is so good, His concern so undeniable....)

Luke had started Kindergarten at a great public school near us. Two weeks into it though, I noticed him more and more angry and resistant to school. He was required to do almost daily homework. It was hard to pretend it was interesting. I tried to stay positve for him but in truth, we both knew the work to be drudgery. He is my son after all..... so cut and paste we did and did and did. Ugh.
I looked at his school ciriculum to see where I could help my son. He was not interested and I was worried because he seemed to fall behind the standards the system had created for his grade. I spoke to my husband about it several times. We searched for ways to help him. I even asked the teacher if I could assist in the classroom. (The answer was no.) I asked to observe the class. (Same answer.) Basically the public school teachers are exhausted, and rightly so, but I could not accept my son being just another score on a standardized test. I tried to talk to my husband again being completely frustrated. But this time he wasn't as understanding. He gently let me know I had to tow the line as a parent and support the system the best I could. I interpreted him as telling me to conform to a system I felt could not only not serve my child but potentially harm him. I stewed and prayed.
Gratefully God heard me......and I believe so fully His concern for my son's life is intimate and personal, so of course by the end of the week we had a phone call from Waldorf school that Luke was accepted because someone had dropped out and he could come imediately. This was Wednesday. By Monday I had all the forms filled and him withdrawn from the other school and together Tim and I took him to his first day at Waldorf, which by the way, I have found to be the most unbelieveably nurturing, peaceful, loving, respectful, aware, environment possible for a growing child, not to mention adults too!

This place is different. I noticed at once I was comfortable meeting the other parents and teachers. There was a similiar vibe in the way moved. There was no uncomfortable silences. Just comfortable ones. No one gave pedigrees upon meeting!

( Next blog I will share some of the beautiful philosophy behind the school. But basically it understands we are far more than the labels the world gives and we blindly accept.) In short, I feel I found people who care about what I do.....and this has been so rare in my life....

I truly cannot tell in words the joy I have to be able to offer my son something like this. (Thank you to my hard working husband!).. and I am happy to tell everyone I believe I have found a place where I/we feel at home...I've met kindred spirits!

By the way, Luke is loving school. and he has now 'gotten' his ABC's....know why?.......he did it through sign language.....hee hee!.....and me? I am making progress too.... I am getting to know the other moms, and actually LIKE them!....whoa. the world is shifting.....or maybe it's me.
Whatever it is......We will find our own way.

It is well with my soul

Life has been a continuous beautiful learning experience for me, so I have not have not had the inclination to write anything until today when I felt I could finally see the larger pictures and lessons.

I took a walk this morning but not until I dropped off Luke at Kindergarten. On the way to school we practiced his Alphabet flash cards. He is so excited to learn. Tim introduced a simple but creative method for him that each time he remembers the letter and corresponding sound he earns a penny, then at the end of the week we will take him to buy a small treat with his money! It is so wonderful for Tim and I to see Luke happily learning and growing.

Tim had been gone for about 10 days or so, saying goodbye to his youngest daughter Kenna who is spending her last year of highschool at a boarding school. It wasn't easy for him. The trip seemed long for us both but when he returned Luke and I were extremely happy to have him home.

Lately Luke seems to be overjoyed and he is like a cup spilling over with love.

While Tim was gone I finished reading a book. There was a part in the book that spoke about children and that what they want more than anything is to be recognized at the spirit level. Not only for what they do or do not do, or constantly pushing them to do this or that...to hurry up..ect. But they, like all human beings long to be seen for who they are beneath our physical and material selves. This resonated so deeply in me. I thought back on my childhood and the times my mom or dad were with me in a way that saw through my outer shell to the being God created. I have been becoming more aware of the time I spend with my child and the way that I do it...and not just Luke, but this awareness has effected the way I interact with people in general. After all we all long to be recognized in spirit.

One time my mom took me on a bike ride, just her and me. We packed a backpack and put twinkies in it. We stopped to rest under a tree and ate our twinkies and talked. She was fully present, I felt nothing was more important than what we were doing at that moment. She recognized me as an important human being that she loved. On the other hand my Dad, I remember doing the same thing in a different way. When the world was about to overwhelm me he would swoop in to remind me that I would never be alone. I was 17 and in some bad trouble, he simply looked at me without judgment and said there was nothing we could not handle together. The knowledge of his love that day would see me through many years of hardship and become a reminder to me of my true worth. Thank you.

Last night Luke made a comment to me. I was giving him a bath, his hair full of soap suds, and he cocks his head to the side and looks at me very seriously and asks, "Mom, were you a star?"
I wasn't sure I understood. "Huh? What do you mean?"
"Well, you know like on T.V. Were you the star of a show?"
I was so temped to lie! "well....noooo." Still not sure where this was going.
"Oh, but you dance so good and look like the girls on T.V. so I though you were a star, you know before me, when you were younger."
"Oh."
I am thoroughly enjoying this blessed place in life when children idealize their parents. For someday we will fall from the pedestal to be monsters and then mere human beings........but for today...my son thinks I'm a star!
Not to hog all the limelight, when Tim was saying goodnight to Luke he askes him, "Dad, are you a president?"
"Well, yes, of my company."
Luke is thoughtful for a moment. "Well, then how come you're not on the money?"
Oh the sweet sweet love of a child to his parents. One of God's best gifts that could be given to us mere mortals. The love of a child. What is more beautiful?

So like I had started out saying, I had gone for a walk this morning. I rounded the corner and put on my ipod. I trodded up Diamond Head with no idea what was coming. I watched the ocean and felt the breeze as I neared the top. When I got to the lookout, I sat down mesmerized by the vastness of the ocean and as I sat there in silence two things happened, I remembered how small I am and at the same time I remembered how vast I am. As these two thoughts converged my joy, peace, and understanding grew, and an unexpected song came on clear and true through my headphones, that was perfectly timed by God. (It is like the one you should be hearing now.) After a while I got up and with a clear and grateful perspective and headed home.

Much Love to all.

Bridging Time & Company Bugs

Kianna's gone home. Luke is back to school. Life is once again has settled down to a slow hum and I enjoy it.

The kids were miraculous to be around. They are beautiful human beings and I was honored to be able to care for them and have them in my life for our yearly visit. Many times during our summer together it dawned on me that I am probably learning more from them than they from me.

I watched Luke and Kianna, play, fight, laugh, cry, struggle for control, and fall down exhausted at the end of the day asking for a back rub or a hug as they drifted off to sleep, and it felt like I was seeing the whole story of humanity played out before my eyes, and it gave me a greater perspective of my own sibling rivalries.

My niece is like my brother as a child...all playful innocence, wilyness, and exuberence. It was impossible not to love her, and somehow, I noticed the more Ioved my brother's child, the more I loved him. She became like a bridge over the oceans of times past, and her presence in my life has started to rewrite the story of my own childhood with a new and peaceful perspective.
****
Walking to the car the other day picking up Luke from Kindergarten he says to me, "MOM! You know what I WANT? A Sunday.....er no,....a sunday, no..oh maybe it's a monday. Yah! MOM! Can I have a Monday? You know from Macdonnals?

Today dropping him off at school he found a little beetle on the sidewalk and he got so excited. I reminded him it was a 'company' bug the same kind Grandma Joy says she finds at her house everytime they have company. Talking quietly as to not disturb his little friend, he gently held it in his hand as we walked to his classroom. I told him he could take it in to show his friends.
He said, "No, I want him to be free in nature......with his mom and dad."

"Wings Of Forgiveness"

I just want you to know
After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know
That I still love you
That I still love you:

Had to go
Across the water
Just to find
What was here in my heart all along
Spend so much time
Trying to be right
That I was dead wrong

If Nelson Mandela can forgive his oppressors
Surely I can forgive you for your passion

You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

Had to run
To the arms of curiosity
Just to find
What was here in my life all along
I had found that the art of simplicity
Simply means making peace of your complexity

If Gandhi can forgive persecution
Surely you can forgive me for being so petty

I'm only human
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

I've searched for romance
Flowers and affection
What I found is a lesson
Of what love really is
Found the game of love is
Not about how much you can take
In fact authentic love is about
How much you can give

After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know
That I still love you
I want you to know
That I forgive you
(thank you for teaching how to give)
And I wanna let you know how much you changed my life
I wanna let you know you taught me how to fly
And I wrote this song to tell you this
I'm better cuz you taught me how to give

I took a swim
In the sea of guilt and misery
To find myself in an island
In the middle of nowhere
In my solitude
I asked to know the highest truth
And what I was told
Is to let own self be true

If Jesus can forgive crucifixion
Surely we can survive and find resolution

Let's keep it moving
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high, and fly high
Let's keep it moving
Let's shake free this gravity of commitment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know
That I still love you
I want you to know
That I still love you
And I wanna let you know how much you changed my life
I wanna let you know you taught me how to fly
And I wrote this song to tell you this
I'm better cuz you taught me how to give

I still love you
I want you to know
I still love you
Want you to know
I still love you
(And I always will love you)
And I wanna let you know
I forgive you
I wanna let you know
That I still love you
Want you to know
I still love you
I just want you to know
I still love you
Want you to know
I still love you
Want you to know
I still love you
And I wanna let you know
I forgive you
I wanna let you know
I still love you

It's MINE!

Durning a family vacation, staying at my parents house, with my five year old son and 6 year old niece, we often hear the words "mine!" shouted through the house as the kids try claim ownership of a particular toy.

It prompted a childhood memory where I can remember myself loudly expressing to my Dad my ownership of some object as "MINE". His reply was a loud, "NO it's not YOURS, it's MINE." Then to add emphasis, he motioned with his arm around the room and said, "It's ALL MINE."

At the time, I was slightly dismayed and confused by this because something in what he said seemed to be true. Even at my young age I could concede that, yes, he did actually buy all of these items, but at the same time I felt a discomfort almost like an imcompleteness to the statement.

Recently, I decided I would just be attatched to one thing. Just my mother's ring, because, I figured, how hard can it be to protect it? It would be safe to get really attached to this one thing. I thought of all the ways to take care of it.

A few months later someone stole it. Strange thing. The theif only took the ring. It did not have much monetary value, I figured a theif would overlook it and take the jewels worth more money, but they went straight for my mother's ring. They actually had to dig around for it. Anyway, at least they had good taste.

Ocassionally, I remember my Dad's words and the same feeling of curiousity will arise as if I was still trying to understand a part of the conversation I still suspected was missing.

Maybe 30 years have passed and while sitting quietly drinking a cup of coffee this morning I realized I finally have the other part of the conversational equation that my five year old self suspected was there but missing it's expression.

Me at 5: "It's MINE!"
Dad: No!" It's MINE!"
Me at 5: "Hmmm. Maybe it's not mine...he did buy it...but...."
Me at 34: Finally solving the equation. "You are right. It's not mine. But neither is it yours."

Faith gives you wings..

I asked Luke what kind of super-powers he prayed for. He said, "Hmmm, well, super speed, x-ray vision, oh and flying. Yeah, I want wings."
Gotta love that kind of faith.

Kooky

It was the perfect storm, ran out of medication, insominia, thyroid low, cousin dies, step-daughter gets sent off. I really should have seen it coming.

The last month has been gruelling. I held things together well when Tim left for the East coast to bring Kenna to her 'girl's camp' and then to vacation in San Fran. My middle step-daughter stayed with me and Luke. She is doing very well in her life and was a great help to me. I was a bit stressed but still functioning. The night Tim came home I put a lot of effort into preparing for his return; dinner, lei, laundry ect. So when we sat on the couch before dinner and he complained there was not enough salsa for his chips in a disgusted tone, I believe you could've heard the audible snap of my mind cracking.

It was a quick downward spiral. Depression is no joke. It happened in the typical fashion. Luckily for me, I am schooled in this event and knew what to do. After doing the rounds of physical check ups to rule out something like brain rot, I called my shrink. He's a wonderful man, by the way.

What I realized as there is such a thing as 'too much'. Basically, I had 'too much'. He imediately increased my meds and made me another appointment for two weeks later.

Well, it's been about 2 weeks and I am feeling much better and gaining perspective. I've realized I've not only been grieving for Josh, my cousin, but also for Kenna.

Last night I wrote her an 'impact letter'. It was a hard task to do. I was supposed to cite all the reasons she is out of control. However, deep down, I feel it is because it is from an enormous lack of parenting.

As the step-mom, no one will admit, but I am the primary care-giver for her. I see her and interact the most. However, I have not been allowed to give consequences to her for her actions. Only Tim can do that. So basically, I can set up great structure but cannot enforce it in anyway. Nice.

Here is a picure of Kenna's daily life. Go out at night after we are asleep. come home, skip school, get kicked out of school. Sleep most of the day or talk obsessively on Myspace. Get showered and made up, go to Outrigger for lunch on her parents account, because she doesn't 'like' our food in the house. Do absolutely no chores I give her......(Dad. you better not be snickering...)and smoke weed.

Anyway, Tims solutions have been to tell her if she does not quit locking herself in her room, which by the way is a full studio with kitchen, he will remove the door. I swear we have all hear the threat hundreds of times. Never happened. So now she has been sent off to a camp where she is supposed to learn how to keep her word. Hmmmm. It seems real F-up if you ask me.

The one positive thing that came of all this so far is that I am learning by observing. So for Luke, I am practicing boundaries and doing what I say so he can expect and anticipate consequences for his actions. I signed him up for Karate and they gave me a chart of the 'karate' ways. Its a check list we go through together once a day to reward him for doing the right things. Respect for others, cleanliness, chores, ect.......and you know what?!!!! He LOVES it. He can measure and choose his own behavior. I think its extremely freeing for him. He is learning early that he is in charge of his choices. The rewards are time together doing what he picks. We go on a bike ride or play Operation....we are having lots of fun!

So far so good. I know he's not 17, and there is no comparison, but give me a break, I gotta have some highlight to all this, and it's Luke, he's awesome.

The other day, we were on a bike ride and he says to me, "Mom, your shadow is beautiful!!!!" He was noticing the different shades of blue in the shadows. Cool.

Lukisms

Luke turned his head to look up at me and says, "Mom, do you know what I prayed for just now?"
"No, what?"
He smiled wide at me and said, " I asked God for super-powers!"

At times life goes too fast for me to stop and write and I miss it. Its seems, I know if I am living and not just existing if I write. If I notice all the details, all the moments like....the light on his face.....at that angle, it seems beautiful, the wind on my face....

When things are good I notice my life and I love all the small things that mean I am so alive and so grateful to be here on this planet. Beloved. Child of God. Many times I find myself here. I feel lucky because I am not sure most people feel the same way, but because I came up from the depths of pain and confusion and all the years of darkness...and then......light, I feel blessed beyond measure.

So, I notice things maybe others take for granted because it's only by the grace of God that I experience them. The opening my fridge...and it's full. My bed and the privacy and feeling of cleanliness and calm it gives me. Having my husband hold my hand when we walk somewhere....There are so many small moments I notice and smile inside to know, they're mine, and I feel so rich.

But life has its ups and downs and I struggle with them like everyone else. I miss my cousin and think of him almost daily. I try to be glad and know that he has peace and that God's grace is his in full now...but even though I believe this, I am still sad in the unspeakable place where I store things that cannot be expressed because there are no words for them. The place where thoughts of unborn children, missing a mother and a cousin reside. A place I let God manage for me because I cannot.

Now I worry about my youngest step-daughter. She was not asked back to her highschool for her senior year. Essentially she was nicely kicked out of the most difficult school to be kicked out of. She has steadily been in decline and none of us know for how long. It has been decided she will go to a 'camp' for the summer. Its theraputic and meant to help teens through difficult periods in their lives. It's just so hard for all of us to go through this again with another daughter. It makes me wonder about all the mistakes I've made as her step-mom. It also makes me remember my own dark period I went through in my teens. It's just so much pain to think about....her.....Tim...Joyce...her sisters...and me. I just hope we get through it and come out for the better. She is not aware of the plans being made for her but she will be leaving us next Tuesday. It's alot to think about right now.

In light of the recent events my next entry will be for my Dad.

I LOVE LUKEY!

Tim and I got these photo keychains as a little souviners from his highschool reunion. They were selling them as keepsakes. Two for $10. For whatever reason we bought the corny plasitc momentos. I joked with Tim that I would make sure he carried his on his keychain

When we got home Luke noticed the keychain. He imediately grabbed it and excitedly exclaimed, "This is MINE! I want this for ME!"

It was so cute how much he liked it. I mean after all it was just a picture of his parents. Our heads all squished together, cheek to cheek with corny grins on our faces. But he liked it. He demanded I hook it on the handle of his school bag.

So now each day he proudly carries our picture to school with him.

Children are so beautiful. They just eminate love. It's hard to believe.... I guess you'd have to have been there to see his delight and enthusiasm wtih the keychain, and his fierce pride when he got to school and showed his friends the momento, "HEY! You guys! LOOK! This is my PARENTS! SEEEEEEE!!!!"

(I'll probably have to read this over and over when he becomes a teenager but for now I can revel in the fact our son actually wants people to know we are related.)

A Cool Message From My Mom

A few days ago I decided to reorganize Lukes room. I bought these cool canvas pop-up storage boxes to put all of his toys in. Today Luke and I opened up the package and popped open the boxes. He loved them. They are in bright red and bright blue and they stack in two towers of three. So we dumped his toys out all over the floor and started to organize according to size.
Thinking what a great concept these boxes were, I bought myself a few as well. I have a stack photo albums and journals and other random stuff on the top of my closet. I hate looking at it because it's such an eyesore. Finally I have these chic new boxes to give it a nice clean look up there. My boxes, by the way, are black and tan, very cool.

After finishing with Luke's stuff I started on mine. Half way through the project I came across a letter. I recognized my name on the envelope written in my mother's hand-writing. I realized it was the letter she wrote from her death bed to say goodbye to me. I read it in a half frozen stupor, still not willing to let the grief fully surface.

Nearing the end of the letter, she said that if God was willing she would watch over me like a guardian angel. She wrote that she would enjoy seeing me raise my children and added that it would be a challenge as well as a joy. I put the letter away and finished my organizing task.

A bit later in the evening I started to do dishes but that last words in the letter kept popping into my head. The words about her being a guardian angel. As I washed dishes in the warm soapy water it suddenly dawned on me, and I pulled my hands abruptly from the water, that today was her birthday. May 13.

Happy Birthday Mama!

Hey Everybodeeeee!!!!

Yesterday Luke, Tim, and I went on a walk. Luke brought along his new skateboard he got for his birthday. It took quite awhile to get him all ready. First the long pants,(play pants not his good pants, long sleeves...)then all the gear, the elbow pads the knee pads, the wrist guards...on and on...FINALLY, we get out the door.

We are almost to the corner, yah! its a beautiful day in Hawaii! I'm excited! Tim and I are holding hands too. Then, I hear Luke yell at the top of his lungs,"HEY EVERYBODY, I POOPED IN MY PANTS ON ACCIDENT!!!!!!)

Luke is standing there with big round bewildered eyes. We turn around and I am about to laugh out loud and Tim gives me a dirty look warning me not to laugh. I hide my mouth behind my hand and look down while Tim heads back towards Luke. After I gain control of myself I catch up with them and explain to Luke and Tim that when Luke eats a half sheet of Birthday cake and 6 chocolate cupcakes and 2 pop tarts....well, he gets the runs. Thats just what happens. No big deal. So Tim gets him all cleaned up and we go through the whole dressing routine again and start over.

The walk was worth it though.

Disjointed

It has been so long since I last wrote, but life has been moving too fast for me to stop to record my observations.....too much craziness..
I swear, I see my life, well the whole world actually, in vivid living color. I find it exciting/exhausting and some people find it manic..but whatever.
First of all the whole quit smoking thing is entering it's 4th month. I finally feel confident enough to say I quit and not 'I'm quitting.' It feels good and now I also feel far enough away from the beginning of the journey to comment on it with some perspective.
Letting go of smoking has been one of the major struggles of my life. It had filled in so many moments and gaps...it was my absolute best card for coping with life. Unfortunately my best card was bad for mine and everyone else's health. So here I am and now I'm naked, at least that is how it feels. Raw. Its been raw. Life has become so much louder and brighter than before. That is something I am learning how to live and deal with. It will be okay though...actually it will be great....moving along...
Luke had his birthday party. The big 5. It was so much fun at least thats what it looked like from where I was inside my head.
I've been a bit detatched since I found out my cousin Josh died. I have so much to say about him and to him but right now nothing will come. Its frustrating because I want so much to tell how beautiful he was and all the things I saw in him...but not today I guess. I'm too disjointed. I'm going to go and work on my ebay store instead.

Life is just too crazy sometimes, but I try to remember that all things pass. Its been since Feb.7 since I became 'smoke free' and its been quite a journey for me and my family.
I figure that my habit was so important to me that I did it for 17 years. It filled quite a bit of time for me and unbeknowst to me it acted as an extremely strong buffer against life's anxieties. It was literally a cloud of smoke surrounding me that insulated me against unpleasant feelings and situations. You have to think that using that method of coping for all those years to stop it has been an enormous change. It has been more difficult I think for Tim than me. Without the ciggarette to take me outside to the back porch at any and every annoyance, I know instead stay put and say something. So of course not have much practice at negotiating irritating situations much I have swung to the far right in my responses and then to the far left. Eventually with some more practice maybe I will be able to handle life with more grace than I have in the past few months....and for the record, I do credit my husband with his patience and support and willingness to go the mile with me. Its probably been hellish and baffling for him.
On the subject of grace, which by the way, is my favorite subject, I bought a few copies of a sermon I heard at church a few weeks ago. It spoke to that secret place in my heart and has stayed with me since. I hope to be able to post it on my blog in a few days. It is an amazing message and has been a great comfort to me. I stay this with much emphasis, anyone who reads this blog can absolutely look forward to reading it. I just have to dictate it from an audio cd first. I know it will be worthwhile. If I can learn how to load it as it is in audio form I will.
My marriage has been difficult for all the above reasons and more. However, I am comforted in knowing that through suffering comes joy and understanding and compassion to the same degree. I have seen this strange thing occur again and again in my life, so I do speak from experience and am not quoting some 'feel good pop physcology book'! I believe we are in a time of growth and because we decided that we will stay married and ultimately want peace and all good things for ourselves and our children, I know we will weather this transition. (But it seems every time there is a hardship I once again have to decide whether your in or out.) Hopefully that will become less and less an occurance. Last thing on the subject of marriage. Its hard. It has asked me to be more than I am. It has forced me to rethink my behavior, habits, and priorities many times over. I guess it reminds me of becoming a parent, the way that it asks or demands you to grow......or die!
I have had a black rage of a temper since I quit smoking. I always knew it was there deep down, but now....honestly it has completely surprised me and now its something I need to manage. Last week I threw my beautiful porcelan egg from my mother out the window. It went through the screen in the living room and shattered in the street. Every time I look at the gaping hole in the screen I am sorry about it and wish it didn't happen. Not only does it make me look totally crazy and unstable but of course for this week I am sure I am the gossip of the neighborhood. We don't have much privacy the way our houses and windows are situated. So basically I used the most horrible language and threw stuff during an argument with my husband. I think I surprised him. Well I floored myself. Totally weird. However, the good thing about this incident is that when your actions are seen by everyone, I seem to have to face them. No hiding or pretending it wasn't so bad. So since my behavior has caused me much embarrassment I decided to change it. I seriously do not want to be know as that crazy lady neighbor.......
Anyway on to brighter subjects. This morning on the way to school Luke asked me, "Mom, how high is God?"
Me: Pretty high up there, you can't see him.
Luke: "Well could we see him with binoculars?"
Me: No.

Sunday at Grandpa's & Grandma

This is a story told to me by Tim. I stayed home with sore throat and bad cold and thoroughly enjoyed having the house to myself to putter around in and 'do stuff'.


Tim took the trainer wheels off Luke's bicycle in the garage while Luke helped with his own wrench. Afterwards, he stood back and with complete exuberance announced, "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!"
He mastered the two wheels instantly.....and rode off full blast down Grandma and Grandpa's lane in Kailua. He even rode side saddle and tried to come to skidding stops.
Later in the evening he took Dad aside and in his 'man-to-man' voice said, "Dad, I need to talk to you."
"Okay, whuts up?"
"Now that my trainer wheels are off my bicycle are we going to take the trainer wheels off my motorcycle? Because YOU said I could take my trainer wheels off my motorcycle when I learned to ride my big bicycles with no trainer wheels!"
He then looked at Dad and there was a long pause while Dad tried to figure out how to stall taking the trainer wheels off the motorcycle. Tim quickly developed a answer.
"Lukie, I said we would take off the trainers on the motorcycle AFTER you learned to ride your bicycle with no trainer wheels VERY VERY VERY good.
"Well, I rode really good today!"
"I know son but I want you to be able to ride your bike with no mistakes."
"Okay, is that when I'm 5 years old?"

Geeze. Sheesh. Dangnagit.

These are the words I am trying to use now that I am trying to be a better, example to my son in the cussing department. I would like to chill on the bad language and what not. I am into this. I guess I say 'crap' alot or something.

Question for the Day: Why is my husband smug? I don't know and nor do I want to know.

Last randomness. For so long I could not get my photos to stretch out on the slide show like I just did with no problemo. What's that about? I wracked my brain forever then gave up trying and let my blog look all a mess like I'm a total computer tard. Which I am, but there are directions on how to do it. So it should have worked. Anyway, guess its working now. I guess I can't be all happy about it
because
I am in a total funk. My son did not get into the school I was totally heart- set on for him. (BTW, at this school they interview Parents not Kids) So its not like it was something about him. It was me! Ahhg. I am so on fire over this. I don't show well. But I told his Dad he needed to call and talk to them and what not...since he is our 'showface' of the family! What I mean is, he is .a...you know..socially acceptable, No mohawk, no facial hair, no accent of any kind,suit,tie,guy... the perfect, Front! Not that I have that much facial hair or mohawk....but you know what I mean. Wax.

Anyway, I think more could have been done instead of just me going down there to the interview and the second interview and the third ect, paperwork, ect. phone calls....from all me. Yay.Team. That would really freak him out....I could tell him I have a whole system set up for Luke called "Operation Free Bird". Hahaaa. Thats right minimal rules. No lids on toothpaste, ect. Lots of painting, singing, dance ect. I say its better for a child to learn something when they are passionate about it. In fact, I quote.......myself. I said,"Listen, I really don't think its a big deal he's not into his xyzs567's yet. Besides, he'll get that in due time. Its not a contest whose kid can regurgitate the most cra....stuff!
I couldn't believe I said that. It just came out. Didn't really sound like me. I mean it did sound like me, the way I think but it came out better than usual.
Have I mentioned I haven't been able to sleep in a long time? I'm getting so kooky.
So friends if anyone has read this far. Don't blame me if I list some crime against fashion thing up for auction...like I said, I haven't had enough sleep lately. No not really. I'd Never do that. Bad fashion.
Hi Dad.

Why God Made Moms...

"Why God made Moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms works at work & works at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.